


Under the Waves

by mssdare



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-30
Updated: 2012-05-30
Packaged: 2017-11-06 08:33:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 44,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/416841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mssdare/pseuds/mssdare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jasper is a haunted soul who hates his vampire instincts and gets off by inducing emotions in the humans that he hunts. One day he meets a young, desperate man and everything changes. Angst, slash. Mature content.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. PART 1 of Under the Waves

**Author's Note:**

> This story contains slash, death, violence, explicit sex scenes, self-loathing, despair and some other adult themes. You've been warned.
> 
> I'd like to thank my amazing beta – Fr333bird for straightening this up for me. Any mistakes left are my own – please note English is not my mother language. Also thanks to Im_not_a_lizard for pre-reading, hand-holding and encouragement.
> 
> Banner for this story (by Buraczana) bit.ly/vk1ZfS
> 
> You can find picspirations for chapters and parts of this story on my Tumblr under the "UTW" tag: http://mssdare.tumblr.com/tagged/utw
> 
> I do not own anything Twilight.

**1\. The hunt**

**  
**

Jasper stands by the wall, leaning on it a little, and scans the crowd with his black eyes. His gaze only appears to be lazy and absent-minded. In fact he is utterly focused and nothing can go unnoticed by him. He's searching. He's on a hunt today.

Nothing,  _nothing_. Jasper sighs, exasperated, but a little relieved too and averts his gaze for a while, scrutinizing the dirty walls and worn interior. He winces a bit when the loud banging music reaches unbearable levels and focuses back on the dance floor. And he's finally rewarded with his prize.

The boy is pretty - with gorgeous full lips, dirty blond hair and big brown eyes. He dances all the time, his lean, young body moving effortlessly to the rhythm – turning around, hopping up and down, wriggling his ass, throwing his arms up in the air. And he's laughing and grinning – with a perfect boy-next door smile. He seems to be  _life_  personified and this is all that Jasper wants and fears at the same time. But Jasper can already pick up the vibe of the darkness and  _yes_  - he knows now he's chosen well. The boy will not live no matter what Jasper does tonight. Jasper nods to himself and reluctantly leaves his spot by the wall.

"Hi there, doll," Jasper says, leaning over the bar counter and smiling a little smile – just enough to flash his dimples but not too broad to make the boy uneasy with the sight of his unnaturally sharp teeth.

"Oh hi, Blondie," says the boy, grinning, already hooked.

"What can I buy you to drink?" There's no time for small talk. No one really expects it.

"Red Bull with vodka. And I already like you." The boy wiggles his hips to the rhythm of the song.

Jasper places the order and steps closer to the boy.

"You got a name, Darlin'?"

"Rile. You?"

"I'm your Death. My name is irrelevant." Jasper says, wondering why he even bothers coming up with this shit.

"Fuck, you're hot." The boy licks his lips and leans closer to Jasper. "And you smell good."

"I know." Jasper smirks, grabbing Rile's hips to bring him closer. He inhales the boy's scent deeply and hums in appreciation. He's really done well tonight. "You," he whispers in the boy's ear. "You, my doll, smell _delicious_ …"

Rile chuckles and writhes his hips, grinding himself into Jasper a little. He swallows his drink fast, making Jasper look at his bobbing Adam's apple, and asks, "Wanna go somewhere more private?"

Jasper doesn't answer for a moment. He considers if maybe, just maybe, he could give the boy a few more hours. But then he decides against it, as there is no point in that really. So he squeezes the boy's ass and gently directs him toward the exit. Just as they are about to step into the freezing November air he gives the boy one last chance. "How old are you?"

Rile chuckles, wriggles his eyebrows and answers, "I'm old enough for you to fuck me. Don't worry  _dad_."

"You've just signed your death sentence," Jasper murmurs, knowing full well that the boy can't hear it.

They walk side by side, Rile clutching his jacket to him to keep himself warm against the wind, Jasper with his shirt opened carelessly.

"Aren't you cold, man?" Rile says, trying to wrap himself tighter in the jacket.

Jasper just glances at him. "I'm never cold."

They reach a hotel at the end of the street that rents rooms by the hour. Jasper pays the receptionist and they go up the stairs. Rile clings to Jasper's arm while he's opening the door but Jasper shrugs him off. Once inside he flicks the lights on, tosses the key on the bedside table and sits in the chair opposite the bed. The room is dingy and smells of feet and spunk, and the flower-patterned bed cover is stained and torn. But Jasper doesn't give a shit about the surroundings.

Rile takes his jacket off and steps closer, placing his hands on the armrests, leaning towards Jasper's face, clearly intent on kissing him.

"No touching," Jasper says coldly. "Undress and lie down on the bed."

"What? But I want you," Rile whines.

"And you'll have me. Now do as I say." Jasper looks at boy's pout and adds more gently, in spite of himself, "You'll see, it's going to be worth it."

Rile is still pouting but he complies, getting undressed and positioning himself on the bed. Jasper watches him with appreciation, his gaze gliding over boy's lean but toned body – long legs, well defined chest, a detailed tattoo on Rile's side. Jasper thinks that if he could, he'd get ink just like that and this makes the whole thing even harder. But he tells the boy to relax as he gathers the emotions inside of him and slowly, tentatively, pushes the arousal towards Rile.

"Touch yourself for me," Jasper demands, and this time the boy doesn't complain anymore as he grabs his already half-erect cock and starts pumping his fist on it.

Jasper leans down, his elbows on his knees, and watches this private show for a moment, still pushing the waves of lust towards the boy. He feels his own erection too and is a bit surprised. That doesn't usually happen when he's just hunting. But the boy is so pretty and responsive to Jasper's gift as he lies, squirming on the bed and moaning.

Against his better judgment Jasper stands up and approaches the bed to have a closer look at Rile – his parted lips, which Jasper finds kind of perfect; his long eyelashes casting shadows underneath the boy's closed eyes; his elegant, long fingers with dirt under the fingernails, which makes Jasper smile a little. He reaches with his hand and keeps it close to Rile's thigh, sending more bliss towards him. From the way Rile pants, he knows that the boy can feel the strange electric current coming from Jasper's hand - inches above his skin.

"Oh fuck, what are you doing to me?" Rile cries, and opens his eyes to see Jasper leaning over him, like he's about to kiss him.

"Bringing you pleasure. The way you like it," Jasper answers, already feeling the hint of future despair, but burying it down.  _Later_ ,  _later,_ he thinks, and allows himself to inhale Rile's scent again and the hunger takes over. His eyes blacken even more and just when Rile is screaming from the pleasure, his cum spilling all over his stomach, Jasper leans down and sinks his teeth into the exposed skin on his neck and drinks all the boy has to offer, keeping Rile's body still with a tight grip.

"***"

Jasper feels the world crushing in on him, the walls of it closing, clamping on him like poker cards in  _Alice in Wonderland_ , making him just a dot in space. He feels like he's going to implode right now, so he flees from the room quickly, recklessly leaving the already cooling body behind him - just as it was on the bed - and he runs and runs until he reaches the Ocean. He dives into the water and swims down, deeper and deeper until only darkness surrounds him – no light, no sounds, no smells. Nothingness in the depths of the Ocean.

He lies down on the bottom, welcoming the feeling of pressure pushing on his body. He wants to feel the physical pain, he relishes it, even if it is just a light touch really. He wishes he could just inhale the water and feel the burn in his lungs. But then he'd only have to spit out the salt liquid later on, so he just shuts his eyes, covers his ears and pretends he's gone.

After what feels like ages, but may be just minutes, Jasper slowly rises and swims towards the surface. He walks out of the water and sits down for a while on the sand, clenching and unclenching his fists, just to feel them again. It's dark and the light drizzle coming from the sky is freezing cold. He walks home - his clothes dripping wet and his hair muddy and smelling like the sea.

He climbs up the stairs of an old factory building, fumbles with his keys for a moment and enters the lofty space. He strips and tosses his wet clothes aside and sits down, naked, on the mattress on the floor, leaning his head against the wall. It's not like he really needs it, he could just stand still in the middle of the room without getting tired, but small things like the mattress allow him to remember what it was like to be alive. He muses whether he should stand up and do something, like read or clean up, but there is no point in that. He's read it all and he doesn't really care if the room is dusty or dirty as long as it doesn't smell too bad.

So Jasper closes his eyes and waits, and waits, and waits; silently counting the numbers of the days passing, by the changing quality of the light that filters through his eyelids. Day, night, day, night, day. Just when he thinks he's counted well he remembers he hasn't checked the date when he came back from the sea.

 _Fuck_ , he thinks. He wants to cheat and forget about the lost days, but he can't, as he knows that prolonging it will only make things worse. And what he really doesn't need is another slip like with Rile. As far as he knows they may already be searching for him, but Jasper's pretty confident that the receptionist at the hotel won't tell a thing.

Jasper slowly gets up and walks through the empty space towards the shower. He stands under the cold stream of water, his eyes shut, and scrubs himself meticulously. He digs through the pile of clothes by the wall, trying to find anything that isn't totally worn and dirty and settles on a "Go Bears!" blue T-shirt and faded jeans with just one oil stain on the backside pocket. He finds some boots but no laces and curses again, trying to lace them with a piece of rope. It looks stupid so he just leaves them as they are.

He stands, then, by the window, looking through the dimmed, cracked windows and tries to brace himself to go through it all once more. Hating himself for what he's going to do, hating the future kill for being the victim, hating the world for making him what he is, and allowing it to continue. He digs his fingernails in his palms, knowing full well that the marks will fade as soon as he releases his fists.

When the last rays of light fade he takes the keys and walks out of the door, resigned and bitter, but already feeling the rush of the hunt.

 

 

**2\. A victim**

**  
**

Jasper doesn't feel like going far from his place, so he slides inside the nearest club with live rock music. He doesn't even have to scan the crowd because he sees and feels him right away. He can always feel people who are suicidal or self-destructive and wonders whether this is an emotional pattern he's searching for to justify his killings, or if there's just a similarity between him and his victims.

Jasper quickly approaches the copper-haired boy in torn jeans and black T-shirt who stands by the wall with his hands in his pockets, looking down at the floor. Everything about this boy screams to Jasper.

"You look like you want to die," Jasper says.

"What?" the boy asks, stunned, raising his shockingly green eyes to Jasper.

"Nothing," Jasper answers. "Do you want to get off?"

"What?" the boys asks again. He's clearly either dumb or totally wasted. Judging from the smell of him, Jasper bets on the latter.

"I'll make you feel better for a moment," Jasper promises, reaching for the boy's hand to lead him outside and behind the club. He pushes him against the wall and quickly sends a wave of arousal towards him. He wants to be done with it as soon as he can. To quicken the process Jasper grinds his thigh against the boy's groin, emitting even more lust on the way. He obviously overdoes it, because the boy suddenly jerks and Jasper smells the thick scent of cum in the air.

"Fuck," the boy says, panting, then leans over and throws up just next to Jasper's boots.

Jasper curses, jumping back to avoid the puke. He could end the boy right now, but he convinces himself that his unwillingness to do it is because he can't stand the stench of vomit and all the human fluids. So he just pushes the boy once more against the wall with desperation, before leaving him. The truth is that Jasper doesn't want this boy to die.

 _Not him, not like this,_  he thinks. He walks away quickly so that he won't be tempted. And he leaves the boy still doubled over with his hands on his knees. Confused and with jizz in his pants – but alive.

Jasper goes two more streets down and lingers in the alley for a moment, watching some kind of pimp or dealer doing his business.  _It may as well be that one._  Jasper nods to himself and approaches the man soundlessly, grabbing him from behind and pulling him into the darkness of the alley. He turns the man around while taking out the knife from the man's pocket and pressing it to his throat. The man doesn't even have time to scream before Jasper slides the blade in quickly, cutting the skin and the artery while restraining the grunting man in a tight grip. The blood flows in a rushed stream and Jasper laps at it and drinks, not touching the man's skin with his teeth. It's violent, it's messy and the man keeps struggling, making the whole thing so much worse.

 _I'm so, so sorry_ , Jasper repeats in his mind like a mantra, silently asking the man for forgiveness – not for killing him because Jasper believes that this particular human is scum and deserves to be dead anyway – but for doing it this way, for inflicting unnecessary pain, for creating that whole mess. But Jasper can't risk arousing suspicion, especially so close to his hiding place. This way the authorities will just think it was just a typical murder, for money.

Jasper can feel the fear and hatred coming from the man but he welcomes it. He would gladly accept physical punches right now. He thinks he deserves it and in some way he even enjoys it, bathing in it, embracing it, because he believes he should be punished like that. But this punishment also allows him to take some weight of what he's done from his shoulders.

The man gags and stills and Jasper feels the burn in his chest like he's about to cry. He thinks that if he were still human, tears would stream down his face. On the other hand if he were still human he wouldn't be in this position right now. He throws the man's limp body on the ground and slowly sinks to his knees next to the man, patting his pockets and taking out the money he finds in his wallet. Jasper hates himself even more for doing that, but he really needs some money and it's not like he can get a job.

Jasper leaves the man in a pool of blood in the alley and walks slowly back to his place, almost dragging his feet behind him. He enters the loft and lies down on the floor. He feels so tired, even though he knows it is not possible - not for a vampire. It's like his body weight a thousand tons. He literally can't move his limbs, so he exhales and lets himself rest for a while, lying flat on the floor.

"***"

It's a cloudy day when Jasper decides to stand up and wash the dried blood off himself. There is almost nothing clean he can dress into, so he gathers some clothes and decides to go and do some laundry. He finds some shades and puts them on to hide his red eyes, stuffs the randomly chosen clothes in a backpack and exits.

Jasper pushes the clothes into the washing machine, buys the detergent and pushes the 'on' button. He sits on the bench, placing his feet on it, wraps his arms around his knees and puts his chin on them. He stares at the swirling clothes in the washing machine, musing idly about what it would be like to be a cat and get off on watching that circling shit. Then he wonders if he could  _get_  a cat, but realizes he can't – one because the animal would hate him, and two – because he'd never remember to feed it. He doesn't like cats anyway.

"Are you finished?" a woman in hideous flowered shirt asks him.

"Excuse me?" he asks, confused.

"The laundry? Can you move it to the dryer so I can use this machine?" The woman sounds nasty and impatient.

"Sorry, ma'am," Jasper says, not really knowing what he's apologizing for and wanting to tell the flowered monster to fuck off. But he moves his laundry and waits for it to dry. He watches the people passing by the window and tries to guess whether any of them will die from his hands, or the hands of others like him.

When the clothes are dry he stuffs them back into his bag, earning a disapproving glance from the witch in the flowered shirt. For a moment Jasper fights the urge to comply and take all the stuff out to fold neatly, but then he remembers that he doesn't care. He walks out of the laundry place, inhaling the breeze and the smells of the city evening.

Suddenly he's drawn by the scent of fresh blood. He can't help himself and follows the trace leading to the back of the shop where he finds a crouched figure on the stairs to the cellar. He moves to retreat as the smell of blood intensifies - he really doesn't need it right now. But then he catches a glimpse of the face in the lights of a car passing by and he recognizes the boy from the club - the one with gorgeous green eyes who threw up.

Jasper slowly approaches the boy and kneels next to him, trying hard not to breathe in the scent of blood.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"Yes," the boy answers, not even looking up. But he's clearly not. He must have been in a fight, as he's kind of disheveled and his knuckles are all bruised and bloody. Jasper can see that once again, the boy is totally wasted and looks like he's going to pass out any second now.

Jasper doesn't think when he leans down, places the boy's arm over his head and pulls him up, dragging him alongside. Jasper must be out of his mind because he takes the boy to his place and throws him down by the wall and then sits then on the ground opposite the boy, kicking himself internally.  _What the hell he was thinking_   _when he brought this boy up here?_

Hours pass, and Jasper slowly allows himself to inhale a bit of the air. He smells the unpleasant stench of urine and glances at the boy's crotch to see a dark stain there.

"Humans," Jasper murmurs aloud, surprised that he's said it as an insult. He's thought he didn't really despise humans.

The boy stirs, groaning, and opens his eyes, taking in the surroundings. His gaze stops at Jasper.

"Do you need anything?" Jasper asks.

"A cigarette?" the boy asks in a small voice and rubs his face.

"I don't have cigarettes, but I can get them for you if you want," Jasper says gently. There's something about this boy that makes him want to do this. "Anything else?"

"Advil? And some band-aids," the boy says, examining his bloody hands and wincing.

Jasper nods, takes the money he's gathered from the scum he's killed, and rushes to a nearby pharmacy. When he returns a few minutes later, he finds the boy in the same position against the wall. He throws the bag with the items to him and after a moment of consideration he takes a plastic cup that was lying somewhere on the floor, fills it with water from the shower tap and hands it to the boy.

"Thanks," the boy says, wincing again. He pops four pills onto his hand and swallows them down while Jasper watches him curiously. The boy then extracts the band aids and wraps them around his fingers where the tissue is damaged the most. Then he opens the packet of cigarettes awkwardly, with stiff fingers, and lights one with the lighter Jasper provided. The boy takes a long drag of the smoke and then leaves it to burn until the ash gets long and falls on the ground.

"I remember you…" the boy finally breaks the silence.

"Are you all right?" Jasper asks, because he can feel the waves of despair coming from the boy again.

"What's it to you?" the boy asks defensively, picking at the band aids. His cigarette has burned right down but he doesn't seem to notice it.

Jasper shrugs and they sit like that, without talking. Jasper wonders if the boy's asleep again as his eyes are closed and his breath has evened up, but after a while the boy opens his eyes.

"Can I shower here?"

Jasper nods towards the other side of the space, while the boy raises his brows in question. Jasper frowns, stands up and walks towards the window with his back to the boy. He doesn't mind that his shower is just a piece of pipe in the corner, as long as there's water in it.

He hears some rattling and mumbled curses and then the sound of water flowing and more curses as the cold stream hits the boy's skin. Jasper digs a towel and some fresh clothes out of his bag and hands them to the boy who nods in acknowledgment, clearly grateful. Jasper watches him as he dresses in Jasper's clothes. They fit pretty well – the boy's a bit shorter than Jasper but they've got a similar build.

"So, what do you want from me?" the boy asks.

"What?"

"You brought me here for a reason, didn't you?" He stares pointedly at Jasper.

"No." Jasper still can't find an explanation for why he's brought this boy here.

"So I can go now?"

Jasper is silent for a long moment. He's turning the question over in his head, and no matter what kind of scenario he comes up with, it all leads to one end. So he finally answers, "No... No, you can't go now… or ever," he adds and closes the distance between him and the boy, grabbing his wrist in his hand and squeezing so tightly that the boy's eyes widen.

"If you ever try to walk away from me, I'll find you. And then you  _will_  die. Just like you wish for."

 

 

**3\. The Hostage**

**  
**

The boy is frightened, Jasper can feel it clearly, but he's trying to turn it into a joke. He smirks and says, "Yeah, right," but it's whispered in a small voice.

Jasper releases the boy's arm and steps back.

"If I'm to stay here, can you at least tell me your name and turn the heating in this place on? Because it's freezing here." Jasper can see that the boy is in fact shivering.

"I am Jasper. And sorry, no. I have no heating here."

"Edward." The boy extends his hand to Jasper, but Jasper doesn't move to shake it so Edward lowers his arm after a while and says in much less sure voice, "Maybe you have a blanket or something like that? I'm so cold."

Jasper motions towards the bundle of clothes with his hand and Edward moves to search for some warmer layers of clothing.

"Do you need anything else?" Jasper asks, then wants to bite himself in the tongue for that question because he really doesn't give a shit what the boy – Edward – needs. And Jasper's got no idea what to do with him, which aggravates him no end.

"I…" Edward hesitates while putting a third sweater on himself, "I'm really hungry…"

Jasper closes his eyes and sighs. He really doesn't know why he's doing this.

"I'll get you something. Just… You just wait here."

Jasper goes down the stairs thinking how pissed off he is with Edward for making him go to buy food, and even more with himself for offering to do this in the first place. He feels like he's doing chores for Edward now, but he can't say anything because it was him who asked. However, he's irrationally angry and wants it to be done with as soon as possible. He realizes that he even doesn't really know  _where_  to go, but luckily, at the end of the street he spots a grocery store and enters.

Jasper stands by the shelf in the shop, frowning. He has no fucking idea what people eat. Everything looks so repulsive and it's all the same to him – all the labels are full of colors and descriptions that are incomprehensible. Jasper takes some packages off the shelf and turns them curiously in his hands, trying to work out what they are.

"May I help you, sir?" asks a young girl wearing a shop-uniform with a tag: "Sarah".

"Um," Jasper tries to think what to say. "My… girlfriend has gone out of town and I have no idea how to cook, but I need something for… lunch?" He finishes it like a question because he's not even sure what meal is eaten at what time of day. He smiles at the girl apologetically.

"Oh, okay, let me see." The girl takes whatever it was out of Jasper's hands and places it back on the shelf. "Follow me."

She leads Jasper to a counter with built-in freezer and takes out some vegetable stuff in plastic container and another one triangle-shaped container with a piece of bread inside.

"Does chicken salad and a ham sandwich sound okay?" she asks.

"Oh, yes, perfect," Jasper answers, not really knowing what she's talking about.

"Something else?" the girl asks. "Beer, potato chips?"

"Yes, beer would be good." At least when it comes to drinks Jasper knows all about it from the clubs. "And I'll grab a coke too." He looks around and smiles apologetically when he can't spot any cans.

"Wow, you know nothing about grocery shopping, do you?" The girl giggles.

"Not really," Jasper grins his perfect smile, enjoying the girl's attention. It would be so easy to lure her out of this shop or wait for her shift to end, and take her somewhere where he could undress her and make her squirm with desire before biting into her milky skin and drinking her up. Jasper licks his lips and tries to focus on the task.

"You were sayin'?" he asks the girl.

"Oh, you're funny." The girls chuckles again, placing playfully her hand on Jasper's arm. Jasper follows her gesture with his hungry gaze and suddenly the air around them shifts and Jasper can feel the girl's fear. She swallows hard and makes a quick escape behind the counter.

"That'll be sixteen forty-five," she says, not looking up at Jasper as he hands her the money.

"Thank you," Jasper responds gently and takes the bag with the food.

"***"

When he enters the room the boy is sitting by the wall again covered with a jacket he must have found in the pile of clothes. Jasper winces as he recalls the events leading to him coming into the possession of this particular jacket. He would really love to have the human ability to forget things. He places the paper bag containing the food next to Edward and goes back to the window.

"Thank you," Edward says and digs for the food.

Jasper watches him while he eats with growing disgust. He's repulsed by the smell of the thing Edward pushes into his mouth, the consistency of it, the slurping sounds that Edward makes while eating it, the swallows - all of it. Just when he's about to command Edward to hurry the fuck up with that meal and stop torturing him, Edward wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and asks with his mouth still full of food, "I'm sorry, did you want any?" He motions to Jasper waving the half of the sandwich.

"No," Jasper says with a scowl on his face. He catches the boy's surprise and quickly adds, "I'll… eat later… out."

Edward nods and goes back to the food really quickly, like he hasn't eaten for days. This time Jasper tries to look past his disgust for the feeding thing, and understand what it is about this boy that stops him from putting it all to an end.

He tries to distract himself with a conversation.

"So, what's your story?" he asks Edward.

"Huh?" the boy responds.

"I mean," Jasper elaborates, already wishing he hadn't started this. "Are you a college drop out or something?"

Edward chews for a moment and then nods reluctantly. "Yeah, you could say that."

Jasper feels like he's beating his head against a brick wall. "My, aren't we talkative…" He sighs.

"Yeah, sorry," Edward responds and then laughs unexpectedly.

 _This is fucking perfect,_ Jasper thinks.  _I've clearly brought a maniac into my house. Just what I fucking needed._  But he composes himself quickly and risks one more question that's actually quite important to him. "Isn't anybody going to look for you?"

"No," Edward says it really quietly, but Jasper heard it. He could also detect the sadness behind it.

Then Edward asks – all wide eyed and wistful like some little animal from a cartoon. "So, can I really stay here for a while?" And Jasper almost jumps out of his skin - because –  _what?_

"***"

Jasper isn't sure he hasn't lost it himself as he watches the boy sleeping curled up in a ball on Jasper's mattress under the pile of clothes. Jasper's made it clear that he's dangerous, that he has every intention to kill Edward and that he's – kind of – keeping Edward hostage. But then the boy pulled out the "can I stay here" question and made it all blurry and twisted and now it looks like Jasper's actually doing him  _a favor_.

 _Think of it as a game,_ Jasper tries to convince himself, but it's fruitless.

The boy is distracting – he smells heavenly to Jasper and the blood in his veins pulses  _so loud_  and the scratches on his hands are practically calling out to Jasper "lick, taste, suck!" Edward stirs in his sleep, making his smell stronger and Jasper tries to think hard about the disgusting human stuff Edward does - like that time when he pissed in the toilet and came back to Jasper asking him if he knew his flush didn't work.

But mostly Edward just sleeps and sleeps and Jasper wonders if he's forgotten that maybe he slept like that too when he was human? Or is not normal to sleep all the time?

When Edward's not sleeping he's sitting by the wall – his legs bent and arms on his knees – sometimes smoking but mostly staring into the wall ahead. But even though he's pretty motionless most of the time he still annoys Jasper. All Edward's little movements, sounds, swallowing of saliva, coughing, biting his nails are infuriating! It takes all Jasper has in him to contain himself from launching himself across the room to smack Edward in the head, or at least telling him to "fucking keep quiet!" It's gotten to the point when Jasper feels trapped in his own place – like it's  _Edward_  who keeps  _him_  hostage with all of his 'humanness'.

Jasper diverts his eyes from the boy, focusing on counting in his head how many days he's gone without feeding. As usual he's not able to keep track. He's frustrated and a bit pissed with himself because - how can he remember each and every thing happening, each expression on the face of his victims, each smell of their dying bodies, each fucking sound of them pleading with him, but not be able to pay attention to something so ordinary and easy as the number of days passing by?

Finally Jasper resorts to checking his eyes in the mirror, sighing when he sees that they're almost totally black. So he must have counted wrong. He casts one more glance at the sleeping boy and goes out, closing the door quietly behind him.

" *****"**

Jasper doesn't want to leave Edward alone for too long so he just grabs the first human that comes in his hands. The girl is drugged and Jasper hates the taste of it in her blood - he can't even tell what kind of shit she's taken. She's also sick and if Jasper wasn't hungry and desperate he wouldn't touch her. He wishes he's had that grocery girl's sweet blood flowing under her milky flesh instead. But it's easier like this. No one will see the bite, no one will ask any questions, no one will weep for this girl. Jasper wipes his face and goes back, feeling nauseated and dizzy.

He knows right away that Edward isn't there, so he turns around towards the stairs to see the boy slowly climbing up.

"Why did you leave?" Jasper snarls at him, angry, wanting to punch him. He  _told_  him he would fucking  _kill_  him if Edward tried to escape.

"I was hungry." Edward says calmly, motioning toward the half eaten sandwich in his hand.

"But I brought you food," Jasper snaps.

Edward's eyes widen in surprise. "That was  _two_  days ago," he explains and Jasper feels stupid for forgetting how often humans need sustenance for their bodies. He waves for Edward to get inside and follows him. Edward sits in his previous spot unwrapping the sandwich and taking a bite. Jasper just stands there watching him, trying to judge from Edward's emotions where all this is going. He feels some determination and knows the question that's coming before Edward even phrases it.

"So," Edward says, looking Jasper straight in the eyes, "What are you?"

"What am I?"

"Yes," Edward nods. "I mean – you're clearly not human. I've observed you. You don't sleep, you don't eat, you don't mind that it's freezing cold in here. You even don't use the toilet! And I bet those aren't contact lenses are they?  _What_  are you then? Are you a cyborg, or an alien or something? A vampire? An angel?"

"Yes," Jasper confirms.

"What? You're an alien?"

"No."

The boy looks at Jasper, licks his lips and repeats in a low voice, "A vampire…"

Jasper doesn't say a word after that.

"Will you kill me?" Edward finally asks calmly.

"Do you want me to?" Jasper tries to probe the feelings of the boy but they are very guarded right now. Again with the silence.

"I don't know," Edward finally admits.

"***"

After that little reveal they don't talk much more. Edward remains silent on his spot, getting up only to use the bathroom and mostly sleeping again while Jasper abandons all the false pretenses, allowing himself to stay still without all the unnecessary fidgeting. He watches Edward. All the time. He's curious about this boy, tries to decipher him and realizes that he's not been interested in anything for a very long time now.

During one of his "awake" periods Edward asks, "What did you do to me?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, outside that club? When I jizzed in my pants?"

"Ah, that…" Jasper considers whether he should tell the truth, but then he thinks it doesn't really matter so he continues, "I can feel your emotions. But more importantly I can make  _you_  feel anything  _I_   _want_  you to feel."

Suddenly there is this meaningful silence between them. They stare at each other and Jasper feels like this is a challenge. The air around them is dense and thick and buzzing.

"Show me," Edward whispers and for a while nothing happens, whilst Jasper considers what he could do. And then Jasper slowly, very slowly pushes toward Edward the things that he usually feels when he's done with the hunt.

But apparently Jasper hasn't thought that through enough, forgetting that Edward isn't happy himself, because soon enough the feeling of despair and depression mixed with anger and suffocating pain is intensified by Edward's own emotions. The whole thing is spiraling and circling around them. And then Edward falls to his hands and knees, sobbing, tears streaming down his face and snot coming out of his nose. He's dry heaving until he collapses flat on the ground, unable to breathe, or move – just his fingers scratching slowly at the floor - and Jasper is brought to the ground as well.

"Are you doing this?" Edward manages to pant. "Because if you are, please, please, stop."

However Jasper finds himself unable to stop this. It has gotten out of hand. But he  _is_  trying hard,  _damn it_! Slowly he finds some threads of sanity and pushes the waves of calm back towards Edward. When it settles just a bit Jasper crawls to Edward and reaches out with his fingertips, uncertain, wanting to touch Edward. Edward lies on the ground in a puddle of snot, tears and saliva, with his eyes closed and arms wrapped around himself. Jasper gently pushes the hair out of Edward's face.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes to almost unconscious boy. "I didn't know. I'd forgotten why you were here in the first place."

Jasper feels a bit stronger after a while and allows even more calmness and peace to flow toward Edward, until the boy's breath has evened and Edward falls asleep on the floor, shattered.

Jasper exhales and lies down on the floor next to Edward, staring at the broken ceiling above them. He tries to calm himself down as well to rethink what the fuck has just happened. Hours pass without much movement before Jasper feels Edward waking up and sits up to look at the boy.

"What  _was_  that?" Edward still sounds exhausted and is clearly unable to stand up.

"I'm sorry," Jasper says, wrapping his arms around his knees and looking up at Edward. "It seems like I've overdone it with you  _again_."

"It felt like dying. Were you trying to kill me?"

"No." Jasper smiles. " _That_  would feel very different. I'd put you in such a blissful state you wouldn't even know when death came."

Edward's eyes shot up with acknowledgment at Jasper.

"So, when you were with me outside that club…?"

"Yes." Jasper nods.

"Well, why didn't you then?"

Jasper shrugs. "I don't know." He shrugs again. "You reeked."

They look at each other for a moment and then Edward starts laughing. "Yes, I did."

Jasper finds himself laughing too and tries to remember when was the last time he laughed aloud.  _Oh, yes, on that movie about American rock'n'roll singer in Germany during the war…_

And then Jasper thinks that maybe bringing Edward here wasn't such a bad idea after all.

 

 

**4\. The Cold**

 

Over the next few days Jasper observes in awe and with growing disgust as his place is more and more "possessed" by Edward. Clothes that smell of Edward are lying around, along with empty food containers, plastic forks and squeezed coffee cups. Bits of cigarettes lie on the floor next to piles of ash. It's as if more and more of his space is being captured, won over, and Jasper feels like he's suffocating. He finds himself going out of the place more and more just to wander around in the neighborhood or sit by the harbor. Each time when he comes back he's assaulted with new evidence of Edward being  _very_  alive and fucking messy.

"Would you mind picking up a bit after yourself?" Jasper scolds Edward, thinking that he sounds like a parent. He glances at the boy who's curled up under some clothes again. "You all right?" Jasper asks, against his better judgment – he doesn't really care if Edward's okay or not.

"Yeah," Edward replies. "Cold."

Jasper thinks that he'd like to feel cold. Fuck, he'd like to have a runny nose. Or a sore throat.  _Oh no_ , he catches himself – his throat  _is always_ burning. Which reminds him that it's probably time.  _Again._ He slumps down, hiding his face on his knees, covering his head with his arms.

"I don't want to." He doesn't realize he says it out loud.

"What?" Edward asks.

"Nothing," Jasper mutters, threading his fingers in his hair. He stands up. "I have to go." He rushes out of the door deciding where he should go this time.

"***"

He finds a gay club in the center of the city and sits there, with an opened bottle of beer, trying to find someone.  _Anyone_. But he can't spot a person yearning for death. He thinks of Edward back at his place and wonders if Edward's still cold. Maybe he could find a space heater or something for him, he muses.

He watches a confrontation between two guys at the back of the bar absent-mindedly. The bulky one is pushing a young skinny man – almost a boy – against the wall. Jasper takes a closer look and decides he doesn't like the attitude of the bigger guy. The decision is immediate.

Jasper jumps off his stool and approaches the men.

"Hi there," he says in a low voice. "I couldn't help notice that there was a slight disagreement here. Perhaps I could be of help?" he drawls a bit.

"Fuck off," the bulky man says.

"Well, I can do that, but…" Jasper pauses for a moment leaning down to the man. "I bet, we could find a better, more… enjoyable meaning for the word 'fuck.' That is, if you're interested?"

The guy turns around to scrutinize Jasper and his mouth widens in ugly smile. "Blondie. You have it coming."

"Counting on it," Jasper replies with a smirk and starts walking towards the bathroom, sure that the guy will follow.

The guy doesn't stall, he's in the toilet the moment Jasper closes the door. He grabs Jasper's hips from behind and says in his ear, his breath smelling of alcohol and fries, "Wanna fuck?"

"Yes," Jasper answers, pushing the man into the cubicle.

"You are one impatient whore," the guy chuckles making Jasper wince.

He's got a tight grey t-shirt on with huge wet spots underneath his armpits and Jaspers isn't sure if he can really do it. But he can't go back to Edward hungry if he wants to keep the boy alive. The guy shoves Jasper inside and kicks the door closed behind him while grabbing Jasper's jeans and tugging on them. Jasper lets him do this but when the man tries to push Jasper to the wall, he quickly spins around and grabs the man's throat tightly.

"I don't get fucked," he says, looking the man straight into the eyes, feeding on his lust, excitement, anger, fear and his urge to hurt people. For a moment Jasper considers whether he's just like this jerk while he holds the guy's head firmly in his hands. Then he bangs it hard on the wall, and another time on the edge of the toilet. The scent of blood fills the place and Jasper loses it, pressing the man hard to the floor while he sinks his teeth into the flesh, letting the blood overflow in his mouth, almost choking on it, gulping and groaning. He closes his eyes and allows the hot rush to spread through his whole body, making him feel alive and invincible, making him want to howl to the moon like a wolf, jump over the rivers, destroy everything that comes into his way.

The man stops struggling quickly while Jasper continues to drain him until he hears the man's heart stopping. Jasper pushes the body roughly on the floor, wanting to shred it into pieces. He doesn't even know where this anger mixed with kind of elation is coming from. Maybe it's him losing his mind, but Jasper hopes it's the aftermath of the guy's feelings. He pats the pockets of the man's jeans, takes the money he finds there and with all he has in him, he resists the urge to crush this body. He'd like to crack the bones, bite the flesh, scratch it with his nails till it's one bloody mess on the floor.

 _Oh my God_ , Jasper thinks, trying to snap out of it. He stands up, breathing in and out, which isn't helping at all because the man's scent - the mixture of the smell of cooling blood, adrenaline laced sweat and other bodily fluids – is filling his lungs, making his head swirl. It takes some time and a lot of effort before Jasper composes himself enough to slowly leave the cubicle, closing the door carefully behind him.

The bathroom is empty, ugly fluorescent light enhancing the crimson in Jasper's eyes when he takes a glance into the mirror. He washes his hands and face but it's not enough. He feels strange, contaminated. For a second time he wonders if he's lost his mind this time. He hastily walks out of the club, takes off and speeds up to run as fast as he can towards the ocean. He hopes the waves will calm him down as usual, extinguish the fire in him, lull him into a feeling of non-existence and stop the rush of thoughts in his head.

Jasper dives deep down into the water, places himself at the bottom and waits. But he can't find peace as he tosses and turns on the sand. He swims a bit further and comes back and then swims again. The water is dark, no light is pouring inside, the depths of the ocean are menacing and uninviting, the waves moving in strange synchronization. Jasper rarely fears anything, but today he feels unwanted here, like the whole ocean has turned against him. He shudders, turning around and speeds up, fleeing away from whatever is chasing him.

"***"

"You're soaking wet." Edward points out the obvious to Jasper when he enters the apartment. Jasper just shrugs; he's calmed down a bit on the way, but he still feels odd and not in a mood to talk. He strips off his clothes, discarding them right there where he stands. He walks around naked, digging through the clothes before he puts some dry ones on. Edward watches him curiously and Jasper can feel a hint of arousal coming from the boy. After all the events of this evening – or yesterday's evening as Jasper realizes, astounded, noticing the daylight – he considers it kind of fun and smiles slightly, not turning back just yet.

"I've been underwater," he replies, surprised to find that he suddenly feels like talking now.

"What for?"

"Um, it's hard to explain," Jasper approaches Edward and sits in front of him on the floor, crossing his legs.

"Try," Edward smiles and Jasper stills for a moment, enjoying the view.  _This boy is really beautiful_ , Jasper thinks and grins too.

"Okay… So, you know I kill." Jasper stops for a while and continues when he sees Edward nodding. "I kill, but I'm not a psycho, or at least I'd like to think I'm not. I don't want people to die… or suffer for that matter. So, even though I try to make it 'good' for them when I murder someone, I'm not all sunshine and roses, if you know what I mean."

Edward nods again, clearly listening intently, his face serious, making Jasper feel… different. Like someone cares about him – this is new and Jasper doesn't quite know what to do with this feeling.

"And that's why I dive into the water. To calm down, that is." Jasper looks down at his hands and scratches the skin next to his nail, wishing he could bite at the skin like humans do. He deliberates some more, wanting to explain it to Edward, because somehow it feels important to him that Edward understands what he means.

"When I'm there, at first it's because I want to hide. And I like the pressure of water – when it's really, really deep I can feel it – just a bit, but still. I feel like my body has some weight even if I'm floating? I don't know how to explain it," he huffs, getting annoyed.

"No, go on, I want to know," Edward encourages him and Jasper takes a long breath and tries once more.

"It is mostly dark there, sounds are muffled or non-existent and it's like, I don't know, like being in your body, but outside it? Fuck, I don't know." Jasper takes an empty plastic container from the floor and absentmindedly shreds it into pieces, one by one.

"Yeah, like a deprivation chamber," Edward provides.

"What?"

"Isolation tank? I don't know what they call them really. It is something like a soundproof container – or a coffin if you like - filled with salty warm water. You lie there and are deprived of most of your senses – sight, hearing, smell, the feeling of your body weight."

"Yes, it's exactly that!" Jasper confirms, elated that Edward understands it. He smiles broadly at the boy. "Have you tried that?"

"Yes, once," Edward admits.

"And?"

"Well," Edward frowns, "I neither liked it nor didn't like it. It was just a part of an experiment anyway, doesn't matter. But I guess I get what you're saying. So, how long do you stay underwater?"

"I don't have to breathe so… as long as I'm… I don't know. It depends. Sometimes I come out and it's been days not hours." Jasper folds the pieces of plastic into little rolls and places one next to another in a straight row. "I'm not so good with keeping up with the time thing," he adds sheepishly and so quietly that he's not sure Edward has heard it.

Edward doesn't respond at first but then he smiles, saying, "No worries, me neither."

Jasper watches Edward rub his hands and breathe on them.

"You still cold?"

"Yeah."

"Can you come with me? I don't know what to get," Jasper asks, already turning to leave.

"Huh?"

"You know. A space heater or something?"

"You don't have electricity here," Edward observes.

"Does it matter?" Jasper asks, confused. He's never needed electricity before. He doesn't usually mind the darkness, to be honest it's never really dark in the city. He doesn't use a toaster or microwave or an electric kettle and he never felt the urge to own a TV.

"Well, it would be easier, but I guess we could try to find a gas operated one," Edward shrugs following Jasper outside.

"***"

"Fuck, I had no idea those things could be so expensive," Jasper says apologetically as they walk back from the shop with nothing, because Jasper didn't have over a thousand bucks to spend. He thinks he's never had that much money. "But I'll figure something out," he promises Edward.

"That's okay," Edward says. "I shouldn't expect you to buy something like that for _me._ I've never thanked you for leaving me the money for the food anyway."

"I don't need it," Jasper dismisses it.

They walk slowly towards the building and climb up the stairs. Edward crashes around the place for a while, doing some human stuff Jasper doesn't really want to know about. Then he resumes his usual spot at the corner of the mattress, covered with all the warm clothes he could find. He reminds Jasper of a homeless person and he decides he can't leave him like that. So when Edward falls asleep Jasper sneaks out of the room and goes back to the shop.

Next morning when Edward wakes up, the heater is standing next to the mattress.

"How?" Edward asks and then his eyes widen when the realization downs on him, "You  _stole_  it?"

Jasper just grins.

"You stole it." Edward chuckles.

"Yeah, I did. Have no idea how to turn it on though."

"I'll do it." Edward stands up and fumbles with the heater for a while. "Matches?"

"Here!" Jasper tosses them to Edward and soon enough a blue flame shoots up with a hiss and Edward's face lightens up with a big smile.

"Thank you!" Edward looks up at Jasper with his clear green eyes, and Jasper thinks that  _yes_ , he feels warmer too.

 

 

**5\. The Curse**

 

The heater seems to do wonders for Edward who finally abandons his corner and moves around the place a bit, even cleaning up after himself.

"So, how did you become one?" he asks, trying to repair the toilet flush while Jasper watches him in growing awe and disbelief, because plumbing is a form of magic for him.

"A vampire?" Jasper tries to clarify.

"Yes. Or were you born like this?"

"No." Jasper laughs bitterly. "You don't get born into it, you die to become like this."

"How come?" Edward is looking expectantly at Jasper, his eyes clear and shining, his interest genuine. The look Jasper to feel like he's melting inside just a bit, making him uncomfortable and irritated but flattered and kind of _important_  at the same time.

That's how Jasper finds himself drawn into the longest conversation he's ever had since he's become what he is now.  _It should feel like an inquisition_ , Jasper thinks, but it doesn't. And in the middle of this Jasper is surprised to find that it's evening again and they've spent the whole day talking about why he doesn't go out when it is sunny –  _no, I won't burn,_ or if he can turn into a bat –  _are you serious?_ Or if he's immortal -  _yes, it's possible that he's more than 150 years old_. Or whether there are others like him, or if it's true that young virgin's blood tastes better…

"Can I see?" Edward asks suddenly, sitting back on his spot and lighting a cigarette.

"See what?"

"You know, how you…  _hunt_?" He makes a stabbing move with his cigarette.

"You want to see how I  _kill_  people?" Jasper asks horrified.

"Yes."

Jasper stands up and then sits again. There is no way he'll ever be able to understand humans.

"Okay," he agrees and immediately regrets it. "I'll take you next time I go."

"When?" Edward lies down and looks in the ceiling. He takes another drag of his cigarette, making the red circle glow in the falling darkness.

"I don't know. In a few days I guess." Jasper shrugs and lies down next to Edward on the floor, listening to the boy's breath deepening and smoothing while he falls asleep. Jasper finds it comforting – just like the tides of the ocean he's used to – the slow rhythm of intakes and outtakes of breath marking the time intervals, and the little movements of Edward's body giving him the reassurance of something alive next to him.

"***"

Jasper's still unsure whether this is the best idea when he and Edward march down the street together. He has no clue how Edward will react, or how  _he_ will react to Edward's presence for that matter. Will he be able to do this with Edward next to him? Will he be able to control his urges enough to not turn against Edward, to kill him and drain him along with the victim? However, Jasper tries not to think about it - he's come to the point where he doesn't care much anymore. Plus, he's a bit curious about it, the thought of having a companion in this is intriguing, even if it's also dreadful.

"Just keep quiet and don't get in my way," Jasper orders when they enter the club.

It is a pretty dull place, definitely not a stylish club, more like a second chance one for those who are too lame or not rich enough to get into the more fancy places.

"What now?" Edward asks when they've ordered their drinks.

"Basically what I do is just wait. I pick at their feelings and choose the one who is angry, or lonely, or unhappy, or just, you know, not a nice person. Like… this girl there," Jasper points to a girl sitting at a table in the corner. She's clearly bored or resigned, playing with ice in her empty glass. She's got round face, curly chin-length brown hair, sweet lips and big brown eyes and she reminds Jasper of a sweet chocolate muffin – or at least he thinks that should be the smell and image of a muffin, as he's never had one.

"What's wrong with her?" Edward inquires quietly.

"Nothing. She's just… not wanted," Jasper makes a movement with his hand that is supposed to describe the unhappiness of the girl and fails. "And she smells nice."

"She does? How can you tell from that distance?"

"Oh, believe me, I do smell her. Stay here," Jasper says as he goes toward the girl. He smiles at her, asking for a permission to sit, pays her some innocent compliments and works her up with his gift – just a bit at the beginning and then some more, until she's ready to leave with him. The whole thing doesn't take more than ten minutes. Jasper motions to Edward in the corner and the girl shakes her head laughing, but Jasper insists, "Come on, this will be fun, we'll worship you, make you feel really good, come on," and the girl laughs again, her eyes shining, cheeks red as she nods and follows Jasper to where Edward stands.

Normally Jasper wouldn't take anyone home, but he's not sure Edward would be able to get out of some hotel quick enough after they're done. So he leads the girl to his place, constantly molding her emotions, so by the time they enter the room she's practically rubbing herself over him. She doesn't notice the lack of proper lighting, the mess, the dirty mattress. Jasper helps her to take off her shirt, careful to not touch her skin just yet.

"Do you want…?" he trails off looking at Edward, not sure what is he really asking Edward about – if he wants to fuck the girl, undress her, kiss her, help him kill her?

"No," Edward says like he's reading Jasper's mind. "I'll just… watch." He sits by the wall, opposite the mattress and looks at the girl who's now taking off her boots, her eyes half closed, lips parted. Jasper keeps her wound up in desire while she grabs his shirt, pulling him closer, trying to kiss him. He evades her lips easily, placing his hand on her leg on the way and the girl shivers.

"God," she says. "Please, please…"

"What do you want?" Jasper asks gently, trying not to think about how it'll end for her, or about Edward who's still by the wall, wide-eyed and if Jasper is reading him well, aroused too. This makes Jasper feel both disappointed and elated.

"I don't know," the girl responds. "Just… Whatever you want, please."

Jasper takes another glance at Edward, who's staring at him now and suddenly Jasper can't contain himself any longer, so he pushes the girl to the mattress, grabbing her wrists tightly and pinning them to the ground. He straddles the girl's hips, his jeans rubbing against her white cotton panties with  _Do you want to eat me?_  printed on them. Jasper notices the sentence and can't help but chuckle before he catches himself, wanting to slap himself in the face for his dark sense of humor. He grinds into the girl, making her squirm, while he emits more and more desire. He's caught up in it too, full aware of Edward watching them. He thinks that maybe he's more perverted than he thought he was, because he's clearly getting off on being watched by this boy.

He tries to get his attention back to the girl, still keeping her tightly pressed to the mattress, while her whole body is arching, and she's pushing up her breasts covered in the girly, gray bra with pink lace. The girl is a bit plump and Jasper likes it - he thinks she looks really, really delicious - with her creamy, soft skin and small dark dot right above her breast. He knows he shouldn't, but he leans down and almost,  _almost_  presses his lips to it. He catches sight of Edward and gets the boy's feelings – the strange mixture of fear, excitement, disgust and lust. Jasper leans even more, opens his mouth, scratching his teeth over the girl's skin, not cutting it yet, but making her gasp and tremble. And when he grinds once more into her, a bit harder, sending yet another rush of arousal towards her, she whimpers, making funny shrieking noises and she comes hard, her cheeks and chest flushed.

At the sight of it Jasper is  _done_  – he isn't able to hold it anymore. He almost crushes the girl's wrists in his hands while his teeth dig into her flesh, blood flowing dark, thick and excruciatingly sweet. She doesn't notice it at first, she's still gasping for breath, legs shaking, fingers curled tight, but then she feels that something isn't right and opens her eyes wide in horror. Jasper keeps her still with more force while she cries and kicks her legs, trying in vain to free her hands. At this point Jasper isn't able to control her emotions anymore, so he welcomes her pain and fear, closing his eyes, letting go of the girl's hands when she stops struggling.

After that all is quiet. Jasper sits back, staring at the wall in front of him - anywhere to avoid the girl's empty gaze right now. He swallows the last drops of blood in his mouth and hangs his head, his hair falling on his face and he stills, wishing the world to still with him and vanish.

"***"

Time passes and Jasper feels some movement behind him and then a warm hand is placed on his shoulder blades. He turns around in a swirl and before Edward can realize what's going on Jasper has him crashed and pinned to the wall with his hand on Edward's throat.

"Don't. Fuck. With me," Jasper hisses through gritted teeth and pushes Edward harder against the wall. Edward's eyes dilate in fear but he says nothing. And then Jasper smells it. The rusty and deliciously sweet scent of Edward's blood. Apparently he pushed Edward too hard and he must have banged his head against the wall and cut the skin.

Jasper grips Edward's throat harder and leans over close,  _so close_  to Edward's neck. One more inch and he'll be in ultimate paradise, or hell, depending on how you see this. But then he feels Edward's hands on his wrists and he looks up to see the calmness in the green eyes and he focuses on that warm feeling before releasing Edward from his grip.

"You really have a death wish. Get yourself cleaned up," Jasper says coldly, not looking at Edward and trying not to breathe in any more of the scent of Edward's blood. He grabs the girl's limp body and rushes out.

No one sees him while he drags the girl to the pier, dumps her into the water and walks back to the town. He's so angry – with himself, with Edward, with the girl - that his hands are shaking. He wants to destroy everything that's around him and beat Edward until he's just a pile of smashed flesh and blood wiped into the floor. But he knows he'd regret that, so instead he's directing all the anger inside him while he's walking down the streets, not registering where he's going. He thinks bitterly that if he talked aloud now he'd be like one of those sad crazy people who stop the traffic, mumbling to themselves and carrying dozens of plastic bags along.

He usually tries to tame himself, but this time he allows the waves of anger to flow and crush him. The pain of it is almost unbearable and Jasper wishes he could just run as fast as he can - straight into the wall to make his body crack into thousands of pieces, just the way his soul is breaking up right now. But he knows it would be useless. The wall would surely break, but he wouldn't feel the pain he yearns for. He grabs his hair tight in his fists up to the point of ache and closes his eyes really tight, hearing the buzzing of the anger in his ears and almost feeling the heat of it in his cheeks. He's nauseated and shattered.

Slowly, after an unbearable amount of time and miles of walking through the town, the anger subsides a bit. The last waves of wrath come back again, but each one is weaker and weaker until they all finally go, leaving him exhausted and empty, still shaking.

Jasper stops walking when he finds himself back at the pier. He sits down on the ground, trying to focus on the waves in the bay and find some pacifying pattern in their cycles as they crash into the shore. He'd really love a cigarette right now, he thinks, at least he could occupy his hands with something.

"***"

When he comes back he finds Edward washing something in a plastic bowl in the shower. Edward's eyes are red, like he's been crying, but he's calm.

"What did you do with her?" he asks quietly.

"Dumped her into the water," Jasper responds and leans back on the wall. He's so fucking spent.

"You okay?" Edward asks, making Jasper gasp, because it really should be  _him_  asking Edward this question.

"Yeah. Just… tired. I'm really tired," Jasper repeats as he sits down and places his head on his hands.

"Why do you do that?"

Jasper's confused – he thinks he's made it clear enough earlier why he kills. But he doesn't have the energy to become angry again, so he just sighs and asks, "What?"

"Why do you have sex with them?"

"I don't have sex with them," Jasper disagrees sulkily.

"Well, not physically, but it's still sex," Edward insists, finishing with the container and drying his hands, before he walks to Jasper and sits right in front of him.

Jasper remembers this little, slim, androgynous girl whom he stalked down the docks so long ago. It must have been the 50's or something, he reckons. He'd stalked her for a long while, following her sweet scent, wanting to grab that unusually short pale brown hair and sink his teeth in the thin skin on her slim neck. She turned around to face him and he felt… fear – yes – but also underneath it, very clearly – desire. She was looking at him with big round eyes while she licked her lips and started to slowly back up from him until she hit a wall behind her.

Jasper moved closer, cutting her way of escape, placing both of his hands on either side of her head, leaning down. She tried to kick him and whined when she bruised her knee. When she'd understood there was nothing she could do she looked up at him and very deliberately placed both of her palms on his chest. Jasper pushed more into her, leaning down to her lips, kissing her roughly. She was the first and only human he ever kissed. He shoved his tongue in her mouth and bit a little on her lips, drawing the first drops of blood, tasting her. She moaned underneath him, her breath hitching, as she tried to get closer to him.

"Hit me," he heard. Her voice was high and childlike but somehow flat, devoid of any of the emotions that Jasper knew she was experiencing. She almost scared him.

From what she was feeling, he understood that the girl must have been getting off on the violence, so he twisted her arms painfully, and dragged her to the ground. She was emitting more and more arousal and Jasper got lost in the urge to possess her – also in sexual way, which was new to him.

"Jane," she said. "I'm Jane, you fucker."

"Why would I care what your name is?" Jasper asked, digging his nails deep into her skin, drawing more blood.

"So every time you do this, you'd remember me." It was said like a curse and Jasper shuddered at the cruelty in her voice.

When he finally bit into her hard, then bit again, and again, sucking on her blood, she trembled and moaned tugging on his hair so forcefully that he almost felt it. Suddenly he sensed wetness on his thigh and realized he must have come in his pants while the girl was having her climax and dying underneath him.

Never before had he hated himself as much as in that moment right after, the girl long gone and his underwear and pants still wet with his cum.  _I'm a fucking pervert_ , he thought. But anything was better than the unbearable fear and loathing – all the tragic feelings that he usually took on himself from the people he killed.

So Jasper answers Edward, finding the only explanation he can, "It's just… better this way. For them. And for me too."

 

 

**6\. The Light**

 

 _Fuck,_ Jasper thinks. He  _knew_  that letting Edward see him kill the girl was a bad idea. But Edward appeared so calm about it, so… understanding even, like he was really  _okay_ with it.  _Well, he's clearly_ not _okay with it now!_  Jasper turns his angry thoughts like windmill stones in his head while Edward is still thrashing and turning in his sleep, mumbling "I killed her - it was my fault" over and over.

By the time the morning comes Jasper realizes that he's made an astonishingly impressive installation with tiny bits of paper folded and placed in neat rows on the floor opposite the mattress. It looks like a huge mandala combined with a battlefield strategy plan. Jasper cocks his head, assessing the placement of the 'general' piece of the paper and moves 'him' a bit to the right.  _There._   _Now it's perfect._  He sees Edward opening his eyes and wipes the whole construction with one move of his hand.

Edward is lying on his back, eyes opened, but he doesn't move. Jasper probes him just a little, but Edward's emotional pattern is shifting and once again Jasper doesn't understand the boy. It's frustrating because people are usually easy for him to read. But Jasper must admit his encounters with humans are usually brief and superficial – he hasn't spent so much time with anyone elsebefore. On top of that Edward has been a puzzle for him from the very beginning and Jasper starts to wonder if Edward isn't a bit insane.

The sun is shining brightly through the windows, making the dust swirl in the spots of light. Jasper stands up, stretches out like a cat in the warmth and looks outside. It must be cold because frost covers the metal parts of window frame and the patches of grass outside, making it shine in the sharp winter light. Jasper extends his arm and compares the glitter of his skin with the frost, chuckling internally at the similarity.  _Yep, I'm frozen_ , he thinks. But then the sun sets, shadows growing longer and lights in the windows across the street turning on one by one. Jasper takes a glance across the room to see Edward still in the same position – the only thing that's changed is that the boy's eyes are closed now. He knows Edward isn't sleeping – he's already attuned to his patterns of breathing.

"Hey," Jasper says gently. "You okay?"

When Edward doesn't respond Jasper tries to find a solution, but he's not sure what people do in normal life situations. Maybe some simple activity would be beneficial? He looks around the room for inspiration.  _Yes. Laundry!_ This is his only regular human activity so Jasper feels safe with this. He gathers clothes, throwing them in the backpack.

"Edward, come on, get up, we need to do laundry!"

"What?" The boy's voice is hoarse and surprised.

"Well, you do wear my clothes, right? It's only fair you keep them clean. I can't do all the laundry myself," Jasper risks playing the guilt card and it works because Edward sighs and slowly gets up, turns off the heater, goes to what passes for the bathroom and finally puts on a jacket to stand by the door, looking at Jasper expectantly. Meanwhile Jasper has gathered enough clothes to wash and found some money so they're ready to go.

They walk to Jasper's usual place - the one he found Edward behind. It feels like a million years has passed since that day, but Jasper knows it can't have been much more than a month or so.

Edward looks in horror when Jasper shoves all the clothes into the washing machine together. He pushes Jasper out of the way and takes all the items out again to sort out the colors.

"Really?" Jasper chuckles. "You don't care where you sleep, or what you eat, but you worry about your clothes coloring?" He puts the clothes back in, then walks to the vending machine to buy the powder.

They sit on the bench opposite the machines and watch the washing swirling around.

"So," Jasper begins. "What would you like to do later?"

"I don't know." Edward shrugs.

"What do people do when they've finished the laundry?"

Edward looks at Jasper for a long time and then he's laughing, mumbling something about "oblivious vampires".

Jasper smiles too and tugs on Edward's sleeve.

"So?"

"What? It's not like people have some laundry ritual, you know? It depends. They go fold the clothes and put them away. I don't know. They go for a coffee."

"Let's go for a coffee then!" Jasper exclaims.

"You don't drink coffee."

"Will they throw me out?" Jasper is worried now. But Edward just rolls his eyes, hopping off the bench to move the clothes to the dryer.

"***"

Jasper tenses when they enter Starbucks. He usually avoids crowded spaces – other than the clubs when he's hunting – he feels exposed and beset as he slips onto the padded seat while Edward's buying something. Edward comes back with a sandwich and two coffees, placing one of them in front of Jasper.

"It's just to keep up the pretence."

"Okay," Jasper agrees, taking a glance into his cup. "What does it taste like?"

"You've never had coffee?"

"No, of course I've had coffee," Jasper frowns. The truth is he doesn't know. "I just want to know what this particular one tastes like."

"Well, it's black and unsweetened so it's just hot and bitter. That's it. How come you're so alone? You said there were others like you."

Jasper is surprised of this sudden change of topic but tries to be honest.

"Others like me are all cruel, dangerous and violent. I mean, I am too, but I don't want to see it. We have mates and covens but we don't form families – at least not that I know of. I've heard some rumors about one vampire family who didn't kill humans, but it must be a legend."

"How would they survive?"

Jasper purses his lips. "Animals? I'm not sure. I don't think it's possible."

"Have you tried it?"

"No," Jasper admits, feeling stupid and ashamed.  _He should have tried._

"***"

Jasper is relieved when they finally get back home. He decides he doesn't like coffee shops – they're definitely too crowded, too loud and the mix of smells and all the people's emotions around him makes him dizzy. He puts the backpack on the floor and takes a deep breath, enjoying the familiar scent of cool, dusty air. Edward walks toward the heater and tries to light it, but it doesn't seem to be working properly.

"Can you hold this for me, please?" Edward asks, handing the metal cover to Jasper while he crouches and tries to take a peek inside the machine. Jasper walks toward him and snatches the cover out of Edward's hands. Apparently he did it too hastily because the next thing he hears is Edward's "ouch" as he moves his hand into his mouth. The thick scent of blood cuts Jasper like a knife and he slowly steps toward the boy.

Jasper is so close that he's practically touching Edward's face with his lips. He's shaking with need as he gently removes Edward's fingers from the boy's mouth, darts out his tongue and licks the blood off them. The sweet taste hits him right away and Jasper has to use all his strength to restrain himself from biting and taking more of the delicious liquid. He almost moans around Edward's fingers while he pushes the hand out of his reach and brings Edward down to the ground, pinning him with his body, going for the last drops of blood on Edward's lips instead. He laps at them, kind of frenetically, and is lost in the warm scent of Edward's breath and the exquisite feeling of the soft flesh underneath his tongue. It's almost like a kiss.

Throughout this Edward stays totally still, like he's playing dead, but Jasper can feel the fear, the adrenaline pouring through the boy's veins and yes - the arousal too. Jasper can feel  _that_  not only with his gift – there's clear proof of it right under his own groin as he thrusts his hips a bit harder, grinding it into Edward's erection.

"Do me," Edward says against Jasper's lips.

"What?"

"Work me out like you do them. Like you did me outside that club. I want you. I've wanted you since you first talked to me in that club."

"I'm… I'm not sure if I can."

"Try."

And Jasper nods pulling up a bit to take in the sight of Edward lying like that underneath him. He doesn't even have to reach deep inside himself to find the desire - he just emits what he's feeling right now, and Edward's cock hardens even more beneath him. Jasper hesitates, but then glances down and reaches tentatively with his hand for Edward's jeans, working the buttons and tugging on the fabric lightly while Edward moves his hips to help him ease the trousers down.

Jasper never usually does this, but can't resist touching the soft skin of the boy's dick. He traces the undershaft with his finger, enjoying Edward's little gasp. He curls his fingers around the head and fights the urge to lean down to taste the little drops of pre-cum forming in the slit.

He realizes he's forgotten his task and tries to focus back on Edward's feelings, sending the desire towards him, but maybe it's not needed, maybe he could just try to actually  _do_  this, just like Edward asked him to? That's why he doesn't push Edward's hand away when the boy brings it between them and begins to unbutton Jasper's jeans.

"Fuck," he says when he feels Edward's warm fingers on his skin. He looks back at the boy's face and almost shivers because it's one of those sights he wants to imprint forever in his mind. Edward's eyelids are half-closed, lashes casting shadows underneath them, his lips are slightly parted, his cheeks are flushed and Jasper doesn't know what to do now. He wants to touch the boy, take him, give him  _anything_ , but is totally lost. He places his forehead to Edward's and apologizes, "I'm sorry. I don't know how to do this."

He feels Edward sliding his jeans down, freeing Jasper's erection, allowing it to spring out and touch Edward's cock. And then Edward wraps his amazingly warm fingers around them both, tugging hard. Jasper shivers and makes a sound that surprises him. His head is spinning, he hasn't been touched – at least not like  _this_  – in so many years he doesn't even want to count. He jerks and thrusts his hips against Edward, reminding himself in the last moment he has to be careful, and then forgetting everything again when he feels the skin of their cocks sliding against each other and the moisture of Edward's pre-cum.

Edward writhes a bit underneath him and grips them harder, which – with added Jasper's erratic thrusts – soon brings them both close to the edge. Jasper wishes it to last,  _please let it last, please let it last,_ he repeats in his mind, but they're both too worked up and soon Edward stills and hot drops of cum land between their bodies, spilling on their cocks, Edward's hand, Jasper's stomach.

Jasper bites down on his lips, stifles a moan and comes too, already hating the next part when he'll have to back up and lose this warmth, the heat of Edward's body underneath him, the stickiness of his fluids, the intoxicating smell, the feel of Edward's fingers directly on his skin. Jasper's cum is wet and cold and dead, just like him, he thinks in distaste. But for now he's still tangled in the boy's limbs and still feels Edward's heart against his chest and Edward's ragged breath on his neck. And if he could weep he would do it right now. It's probably best that he can't because he'd make a complete pussy of himself.

Jasper waits three more breaths, then pulls back a bit and says quietly, "Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"You've got to stop cutting your skin around me if you care for your life, you know? It's taken all I have to stop myself from draining you this time."

"Okay," Edward agrees in soft voice. But then he chuckles lightly. "But it's not like I'm the one to blame, you know? You've got to stop hurting me!"

"Uhm," Jasper agrees, taking one last tentative lick at Edward's lips and stands up, leaving Edward lying down on his back on the floor with his pants down and drying cum all over him.

"***"

It's definitely not his time to feed yet  _-_ he's just had the girl _-_ but Jasper feels shaken up and can't settle down as he walks the streets, trying to pick up the vibe. It's cold and not many people are out there so it takes Jasper some time before he feels it – the unmistakable despair and regret. He approaches a cab with a driver inside. The man sits with his back to Jasper and fumbles with some papers. He's clearly resigned, tired and unhappy. Jasper doesn't think twice when he reaches for the back door handle, opens the door so quickly the driver doesn't even notice and snaps his neck in one swift movement.

When Jasper's satisfied he moves to the front seat to check whether the man had some money. The driver's wallet lies on his lap, and when Jasper reaches for it a photo falls out along with a few sheets of paper with handwriting on them. Jasper slowly turns the photo to see a woman and a child on it. He looks closer at the letter - he doesn't understand the language, but the sight of it enough for him to understand what he's just done. The man was just missing his family –was probably alone in a foreign country. A family was certainly waiting for the money that he earned. Jasper gasps, dropping the letter and the photo and jumps out of the car.

He feels regret about almost every person he kills, but  _this_? This is something different. So much worse. He feels like he's killed not one man but his whole family at the same time. He wants to walk away – he  _has to walk away -_ but his legs don't work. He sits on the pavement, placing his hands on the concrete.

He just can't do this anymore. He can't get up or move his hands, his body doesn't listen to his will anymore. He thinks that maybe he's used up all the energy he'd stored in him. Maybe it is like with food or sleep for people – they use up their resources and have to start over?. Maybe he was reckless, bathing in the sweetness and novelty and excitement of having Edward around, flying too high, losing his focus and not thinking about what would happen next and now he's got to pay for it?

Or maybe it's different? Maybe it's some kind of a punishment? Maybe there is some kind of a God who punishes Jasper each time he emerges from under the surface and carelessly forgets about the nature of his existence? Or maybe it's just what happens – randomly and without any cause - and it's just the way things are with him? No hidden motives underneath it all, no superior beings, no plan, no cycle – just him?

The reason for this is not really important though. Jasper just knows he can't take it anymore and prays, prays really fucking hard, for someone to make him invisible so he won't have to feel himself. But he can't stay here any longer, so he grits his teeth and stands up.

He's not sure how he's managed to come home, but when he's finally there, Edward's nowhere to be seen. Jasper doesn't have any energy left in him anymore, so he curls in a ball underneath some clothes, closes his eyes, stops breathing and moving and tries to shut down. He's done for today.

He doesn't know how much time has passed, but when Jasper slowly emerges from the pile of clothes, feeling calm and empty - like he's drained of any emotions he's ever felt - and sits by the wall, Edward is back, eating something out of a brown paper bag and moving around the room, apparently trying to tidy up – picking up the containers and pieces of paper. Nothing good is coming out of it though, as the place is still littered and dusty. Edward notices Jasper watching him and he acknowledges him with a nod of his head, but then he looks more closely at Jasper and without a word he walks toward him, and sits next to him extending his arm around Jasper's shoulder.

And Jasper finds himself leaning into the touch – resigned and defeated – while he places his head on Edward's chest and lets the boy wrap him in his warm arms. Jasper thinks that he shouldn't allow this, because he doesn't deserve it, or even need it. It's wrong on so many levels, but he's still feeling drained, so weak that even moving his hand to push away from Edward is too much of an effort. So he indulges himself and closes his eyes, relaxing and sighing when Edward strokes his hair and kisses the top of his head and then hugs him even tighter.

 

 

**7\. The End**

 

They've not spoken about Jasper's little meltdown moment. After some immeasurable amount of time Jasper just stood up, very ashamed, brushed his hair back and left. He went for a walk, at a surprisingly calm pace, sat down on the frozen grass in a nearby park and started watching a mother and a kid feeding bread to some ducks on a pond.

 _What a mess,_  Jasper ponders, as he sits in the park. He has no idea what to do with Edward, what to  _think_  of Edward. This boy keeps pushing him, evoking emotions within Jasper that Jasper cannot even put a name to. And  _that_  pisses Jasper off – after all he's the master of emotions and should know what he himself is feeling. He must admit that he relishes the memory of Edward's touch when they were lying on the floor, lost in the moment, their cocks pressed tight to each other. But he also remembers the comfort of Edward's soft, warm fingers threading gently Jasper's hair when he was soothing him. Jasper knows that he shouldn't have allowed this and that he'll have to pay for it – because there is no way in the world the thing between them is going to end well. He's already run a thousand scenarios in his head and none of them has a good outcome.

When the park closes for the night Jasper is no nearer to a solution than he was when he walked out of the room. So he decides to wander about a little more. He walks to the pier, and watches the faraway lights of ships on the sea. He decides to stay out for a while longer, so he hides in the docks for the day and walks home only when it's dark again. But he can't force himself to go up the stairs and instead he waits under the building until it's almost dawn.

When he finally enters the room Edward's sleeping – quite peacefully this time. Jasper lets him be, just sits and stares at the boy as he's got nothing else to do. Jasper enjoys this view and doesn't want it to vanish. Edward's hair is much longer than it was when Jasper first saw him, and his skin is very pale, almost matching Jasper's skin color. Edward's lips are chapped, and slightly parted, but Jasper kind of loves them the way they are. He recalls how it was to feel them underneath his own and wishes he could really kiss Edward someday, perhaps. He chastises himself internally for indulging in silly wishes and stands up to pace the room nervously.

His movement must have woken Edward up. But he remains curled up on the bed, lying with his face to the wall. Jasper doesn't want to disturb him so he tries to occupy himself with a little bit of silent tidying up. At first he can't tell what's wrong – he just has a feeling of unease. And then he gets it – the complete lack of new empty food boxes.

Jasper crouches next to Edward and places his hand on Edward's shoulder, pushing a little to make Edward turn to face him. He looks closely at the boy and notices that Edward is even skinnier than he used to be when they first met.

"When was the last time you ate something?" Jasper asks, really concerned.

"Um, I think… yesterday?" Edward answers, not meeting Jasper's gaze.

"No." Jasper disagrees. "Tell me it wasn't that coffee shop meal, was it?" Maybe it isn't such a big deal really, but Jasper is oversensitive when it comes to hunger. He tries to feed regularly to prevent himself from slips that are much worse than planned hunting.

"I'll bring you something. What would you like?" he asks, but Edward just shrugs, once again leaving Jasper with the impossible task of making a decision about something that he knows nothing about.

"***"

"Did you know it's Christmas today?" Jasper asks Edward when he returns. "I've brought you something. I thought we could… you know, have Christmas?" he finishes sheepishly, ashamed of the hope in his voice. Edward must have caught it because he makes an effort and gets up off the mattress, smiling.  _Wow_ , Jasper thinks, glad he made Edward react.

"Sure," Edward says and hi smile widens. "What've you got?"

Jasper almost jumps up from the excitement, he feels like he's four years old or something.

"Well, I didn't know what you'd like so I bought a bit of everything…" He motions to the bag. "And a bottle of wine."

Edward walks toward Jasper, takes the bag out of his hands and peeks inside.

"M&Ms?" Edward laughs. He takes out the package followed by a few tangerines and oranges, a dark chocolate bar, fruit salad in a plastic container, a box of ice cream, two croissants and an eggplant.

"An eggplant?" He quirks his eyebrows at Jasper.

"What? The color's nice." Jasper chuckles.

"Yes. Okay, let's make a feast." Edward places few items on the floor next to the mattress. "What about you?"

"I'll watch you," Jasper says and sits on the mattress, leaning against the wall and beaming.

Edward opens up a tangerine and offers it to Jasper. "Smell it. Tangerines smell like Christmas to me." He smiles expectantly.

"I don't remember," Jasper admits.

"Nothing at all?"

"No, not nothing, but my human memories fade in time. I remember… some lights, smells – yes - but not tangerines… something different, cornbread?"

"Yeah, could be," Edward confirms. "You're from the South, yes?"

Jasper nods. "I think I remember my mom and my sisters. I never had Christmas after…"

"Sorry," Edward offers, reaching for the wine.

"It's okay. Here, let me." Jasper takes the wine and opens it with his fingertips.

"Handy vampire." Edward chuckles as he takes back the bottle, filling a plastic cup with wine. "Cheers, Jasper. Thank you."

"For what?"

"You know," Edward makes a motion with his hand, spilling a bit of the wine on the floor in the process. "Keeping me here. Everything."

Jasper doesn't respond because he's not sure what he should say. Instead he asks Edward about his Christmas.

"Me and my parents, mostly. When I was little – grandparents. Christmas tree and all that…"

Because Edward doesn't elaborate anymore Jasper risks a question. "What happened to you?"

For a very long moment Edward is silent and Jasper thinks he won't answer, but then Edward asks, "Have you ever felt really bad about someone's death?"

"I feel for all of them. Most of them," Jasper corrects himself because sometimes he believes he does the world a favor by taking someone out of it.

"But, I mean, have you ever felt that this particular person shouldn't have died?" Edward pries.

Jasper is not so happy with the turn of this conversation. It brings his mind back to the cab driver. "Fuck, Edward. Yes, so many times I can't count. Like the guy I just did." He falls silent for a moment and then decides to tell Edward about  _the girl._

"There was this girl… I walked into a diner to look for someone to take with me and there she was, sitting on a stool - a little girl with dark hair, sticking in every possible direction. She jumped out of her seat and approached me, saying she's been waiting for me. She told me that her name was Alice and that she was my destiny. She took my hand and led me out of the place, telling me I needed to change her and that she would be my mate. She promised she would stay with me forever."

"What happened?" Edward whispers, anxious.

"I tried. I believed her, even though she must have been a lunatic, I really believed her. There was something about her…" Jasper shrugs. "Anyway, I didn't stop in time. Maybe I should have fed before, maybe I'm just not able to do it, I don't know." Jasper would really like to finish now, but despite himself he adds, "She wasn't surprised. Nor scared. She took it like it was meant to be. She even held my hand like she was calming  _me_  down." He sighs deeply. "Maybe in a different universe we would have a chance. Fuck it. I can't think about it." He looks down at the floor and clenches his teeth, willing himself to push the memory out of his head and calm down.

Edward doesn't respond, but then, maybe in exchange for Jasper's confession, he decides to share.

"Someone died because of me," he admits.

 _Oh, that's something unexpected,_  Jasper thinks, thrilled that Edward is finally talking.

"How?"

"It was my night duty. I should have paid attention, but was caught up, fucking the doctor who was supposed to be my mentor. The girl died because no one noticed that her blood pressure dropped after the IV she was given. My… he had to face the commission, it was his patient. But it was my fault. My parents didn't want to know me after that – the doctor was my father's friend way back from college, he had a wife and kids. No more medical studies for me. She shouldn't have died. It's like I killed her."

"I'm sorry," Jasper says quietly. And after a moment a realization dawns on him. "Do you feel responsible for the muffin girl too?"

"Muffin girl?"

"You know -  _her_. This girl I did while you were watching."

"Yes." Edward says it really quietly but there is certainty in his tone.

"But you know I'd have done it without you here anyway? That there was nothing you could have done to prevent it?"

Edward just shakes his head. "No, I could have saved her, too."

Jasper doesn't know what to say, how to make Edward see that he's not to blame for either of these deaths. But he really doesn't want to leave it just like that, so he concentrates hard and envelops Edward in a blanket of calmness - with a hint of Christmas excitement.

After that they chat lightly about Christmas movies – because Jasper has actually seen some of those. And time just passes by, unnoticed. Long after Edward has eaten all the sweets, drunk a bit of the wine and fallen asleep with orange skins still in his hand, Jasper sits back and sings 'White Christmas' to him because this is one of a few songs he knows.

"***"  
Jasper hoped their evening of sharing would do Edward some good, but after Christmas it all goes to hell once again. Edward must have caught a cold or even flu, and now he doesn't get up  _at all_  from the mattress. He lies hidden under the blankets, feverish and shivering. At first Jasper ignores it – people catch colds all the time, right? But after two more days, when Edward just lies there, pretty much unresponsive and still running a fever, Jasper starts to worry. He places his hand on Edward's cheek, trying to tell whether it's really hot. Edward opens his eyes but doesn't look at Jasper.

 _This is wrong, this is so wrong_ , Jasper thinks, trying to understand Edward's emotions. He thought everything was going the right way, he can't see the moment when it all slipped through his hands  _again_.

Jasper runs to the nearest Starbucks and comes back with some tea. He presses the cup of hot liquid into Edward's hands. But he doesn't wrap his fingers around it and Jasper places it, resigned, next to him on the floor.

"Edward, you're sick. I've got to get you some help," Jasper says.

"It's just a cold," Edward responds, still not looking at Jasper.

"I'm not talking about this."

They're very quiet and Jasper feels the emotions building up in Edward and he knows that this is it – there's no turning back.

"Can you take this away?" Edward asks softly. And Jasper knows he's not able to deny this boy anything, even if it means that it all ends here.

So he answers simply, "Yes."

"Will it hurt?"

"I'll make it good for you," Jasper promises.

He silently says goodbye to the boy and buries down in him whatever hopes he's ever had. This shouldn't be a surprise – he knew it was coming from the very first moment he saw Edward in the club.

"Close your eyes," Jasper says, placing his hand on Edward's forehead, brushing his hair away. "Just... feel."

Jasper gives Edward all he has in him. Not the usual stuff - not lust or desire, but first the calmness - as much as he can until he feels Edward relaxing. His limbs lose their tightness and Edward sighs and sinks down on the bed as if he's melting.

Then Jasper gradually adds warm emotions - all the ones that people feel while looking with fondness at little smiling babies. But this is still not enough. So Jasper moves to elation, pushes into Edward all he knows about the post-orgasmic state of people who are in love. He hasn't felt it himself - at least not in this life - but he's experienced it in others' emotions.

He envisions gentle light and pure sounds and clear water, molds it together, allows it to grow in him as he adds more and more of longing, caring. And yes – now he mixes it with desire and orgasmic high as well. It feels to him like a giant ball of hot light. Jasper releases the feeling and it hits Edward with force.

 _This is what pure ecstasy should be like_ , Jasper thinks,  _like in old religions_. He's heard of it, he's read about it, but he didn't think he'd ever experience it. However - here he is - with Edward lying next to him, breathless, and it looks like the boy is shining too, like his skin is made of light while Jasper places his hands on Edward's chest, leaning down.

He hesitates once more, his lips touching Edward's neck. Edward is too far gone to notice anything. And then Jasper takes a long, deep breath and his teeth cut the skin.

 

**END OF PART 1**


	2. PART 2 of Under the Waves

**8\. The New**

**  
**

Edward's blood invades Jasper's mouth in a rushed flow, making him sigh. His hands are shaking, whole body  _alive_ , like it hasn't been in years, or maybe ever in this life. He swallows, gripping Edward's wrists, sliding his thumbs along the insides of Edward's hands, pressing on the flesh as if he wants to reassure himself that the boy is still here, still with him. He swallows more, and more, reveling in the smooth taste. It's divine to him. Jasper closes his eyes, breathing in, breathing out, shaking more. He wants to climb on top of Edward and devour him, but restrains himself because he wants it to last, he wants it to be gentle, he wants it to be  _worthy_  of this perfect boy.

Edward's fingers curl over Jasper's like it's a farewell, and this suddenly brings Jasper back to reality. Jasper opens his eyes wide, taking in the sight – of Edward, limp and lifeless underneath him, but still breathing. His heart is still beating, barely but unmistakably. Jasper hears his own breath, his own whimpers and slurps of his tongue, gulps in his throat – loud and offensive, sacrilegious. The feeling of the finality of what he's doing dawns on him again and Jasper's insides twist. He's not ready.  _He is not ready_  to give up on this boy.

 _I can't do this,_  Jasper thinks, and then repeats out loud, "I can't do this!"

He releases Edward, crouches back against the opposite wall and watches, still trembling, his fingers scratching the floor below him in the same way they stroked Edward's palms just moments ago.

At first nothing happens – Edward's unconscious now,– but then Jasper feels it. The slow build of overwhelming fear in every part of Edward's body. It's not a state of mind like in his victims, it's deep down in the boy's body – some primal force, the awareness of his bones and muscles, or even deeper in his cells. They are all screaming with fear, curling inside and exploding again like nano-supernovas.

And then Edward chokes and takes a whistling intake of air in his lungs, stretches his body into an unnatural position and starts wailing. It's muffled and not that loud, but nonetheless it hits Jasper hard as he grips his head and clutches his hands over his ears.

Jasper thinks he's losing his mind. He's in despair, guilt overwhelming him and making him unable to think straight. He's full of conflicting desires– to flee, to stay, to just kill Edward while he still can, and be done with it, to embrace him and tell him everything will be all right – although clearly it won't, it fucking won't be okay, because  _how_  can it be okay?

But most of all Jasper wants to murder himself in every possible cruel and painful way he can think off. Ripping his own head off or crushing it inside his own grip would be a perfect way to do this. Jasper feels that he'll explode any minute now from all this frustration and guilt. He wants to run and hide away so far away that even he wouldn't find himself. But he's got Edward on the floor next to him, still crying from all the pain – the pain that Jasper's to blame for - and Jasper can't abandon him right now.

Jasper stands up, runs to the mattress and covers Edward with blankets, tucking him up like he's a child. He knows this won't help, but can't stop himself. He brushes Edward's hair from his forehead.

"I'm really so fucking sorry," he mutters, knowing Edward can't hear him. "But maybe, you know, maybe you'll feel better? Maybe you'll like it?"  _Maybe you'll stay with me,_ Jasper adds in his mind, but doesn't dare to say it aloud.

He sits next to Edward, leans back on the wall, and tries to push calmness and bliss towards the boy even though it won't work – not in this case. So mostly he just waits, and waits, day, night, day again, listening to Edward's frantic heartbeat.

Slowing down.

And finally halting.

"***"

The silence that follows is impossible. For one magical moment Jasper thinks that the world has actually stopped. Nothing moves, not even the particles in the rays of light filtering through the dusty windows. To test if he's still here Jasper slowly stretches his fingers and curls them again, wincing at the sound it causes in the air, and sees Edward's lip corners twitch, as if from amusement or anger. But Jasper doesn't know it because nothing is coming from this boy – not a single emotion.

Jasper slowly moves forward, on his hands and knees, hovering above Edward, examining his face closer.  _God, if the boy was perfect before, now he's a deity,_  Jasper muses, taking in the sight in front of him. He should have been expecting this, really. Everyone as a vampire is somewhat beautiful, but with Edward it's the little flaws – like the slight unevenness of his lip line or a few freckles on his cheek - that make him so perfect.

And Jasper's not prepared, not a little bit, for what happens next, when he finds himself being thrown hard into the wall and Edward launching himself at Jasper's throat, growling, teeth snapping right in front of Jasper's stunned face while he tries to shield himself with his arms. He bends down, twirls and jumps out of reach of Edward's clawed hands.

He should be okay, he thinks when he turns around quickly, but he loses his balance because Edward has already bumped into him, taking Jasper to the ground along with him, digging his nails in Jasper's neck, aiming to kill. Jasper avoids it once more, punching Edward with his head, throwing him off, retreating, dodging the next blow by an inch, really surprised.

Jasper has no idea how Edward's doing this. He's dealt with enough newborns in his life to know how to avoid their teeth and impatient, uncoordinated attacks, but Edward seems to foresee each of Jasper's movements. Edward jumps again and Jasper covers his face at the last minute, feeling Edward bite down hard into his flesh. He tries to divert his attention by kicking him fiercely, twisting in his grip, but Edward only grasps him tighter, to the point where Jasper's body is crushing and cracking under the pressure.

Jasper sees no escape. He's sure Edward's going to kill him, and for a wild moment he greets this thought, welcomes it with a slight relief, because it would mean it's finally over for him, once and for all. He just regrets he hasn't got his chance to take care of Edward, to lead him into this new life. He closes his eyes and waits for the last blow. But it doesn't come. Jasper feels the grip on him loosen and then he's abandoned, half lying on the floor, pressed into the wall. He dares to open his eyes to see Edward right in front of him, chest heaving, arms hanging loosely by his side, his pupils blown wide and irises red, an incredible shade of clear burgundy.

Edward gasps and suddenly the emotions that haven't been in place before flood Jasper all at once – the realization, the disbelief, the fear, the anger - most of all the anger, but with a hint of hidden despair as well. Jasper wants to reach for the boy, but is still too scared, too unsure of what to do.

"How could you do this to me?" Edward asks, flinching at the sound of his voice.

"I, ah…" Jasper begins, but finds himself unable to finish and give the right explanation because whatever he can come up with sounds so selfish.  _Because I couldn't give up on you? Because you're too beautiful to be lost_?  _Because I wanted to keep you? Because I allowed myself to feel hope in a moment of indulgence?_ None of these answers are right – they are clichéd and sappy as if they've been taken out of some low rated romance novel and Jasper feels ashamed for even making them up, not mentioning trying to voice them.

"Because you wanted to  _keep me_?" Edward hisses. "I'm not a fucking dog, or a book to keep."

And Jasper panics because he must have lost his mind for real as he didn't even notice himself verbalizing his own thoughts.  _Fuck, fuck_ , he repeats in his head,  _now I will really need to find some plastic bags to carry with me and maybe an orange vest to be safe on the road, or at least a big knapsack to hold the books with my handwriting in red pencil all over the printed pages_. Jasper catches Edward's eyes and sees the boy is bewildered, his face frozen in total astonishment, completely puzzled.

"Red pencil...?" Edward repeats, his voice low, unsure.

Jasper nods. "Yep. All over the margins, front and back." He chuckles, but it's a nervous laugh. And then it hits them both at the same time.

"Oh fuck," Jasper says just when Edward throws his arms in the air, grips his head and tugs on his hair saying, "This can't be."

But yes, it can be, Jasper thinks, already feeling sorry for the boy because he wouldn't wish  _that_  even on his worst enemy, and because he knows  _exactly_  what Edward's feeling right now – he's been there, he's dealt with it. _Not true,_  he corrects himself;  _he hasn't dealt with it – not then and not ever._

"Maybe it's just with me," he says aloud, unsure. "You may be tuned to me somehow," he adds, but deep in his heart he knows it's bullshit, that Edward is cursed in the same way he is himself.

"I'm sorry," Jasper says quietly, approaching Edward's crouched figure, reaching out.

"Don't you fucking dare touch me," Edward says through gritted teeth before Jasper even gets the chance to reach him with his fingers and Jasper snatches his hand back. He slowly sinks to the ground next to Edward, desperately trying to find words of consolation, but there aren't any.

"My throat's burning," Edward says, hoarsely and Jasper nods.

"I know. You need to…" And he doesn't have to finish because Edward already knows it, his head snapping up, angry gaze boring into Jasper's, fists clenching, and a silent 'how could you?' hanging in between them again.

"***"

They wait till night falls, Jasper hopes it'll help a bit - with less people on the streets and darkness hiding their movements.

"Try to keep close to me," Jasper orders, Edward answering, "Yeah," before Jasper finishes, rubbing his hands over his temples, upset.

Jasper tries to send a small wave of calmness towards Edward, but the boy just glares at him, muttering something sounding a lot like 'fucking trickster', and Jasper raises his eyebrows because he doesn't recall himself ever being mischievous and subversive like the real tricksters. Although, on the other hand, he is sometimes maybe a little manipulative. Edward stares at him, shaking his head, still cursing under his breath. Jasper motions for the door and Edward reaches for the handle. It crumbles to dust in his hand, Edward stares at it, astounded, before shrugging and walking down the stairs – his steps light, springy, as if he's not touching the ground, movements fluid, gracious, predatory. He keeps looking over his shoulder, his expression unreadable to Jasper, but emotions clear and 'loud'. Right now Jasper could also pass as a mind-reader.

"Fuck you," Edward says again, angrily and loudly before taking a huge step down, hesitating on the next one before jumping over the handrail, down the rest flights of stairs, sending dust and pieces of glass flying around them as he lands with a muffled thud. Jasper follows him, scared of what's coming next, but thrilled just a little bit, too, because that was just awesome - Edward's kind of amazing like this, frightening but gracious and intriguing and…

"Would you,  _please,_ shut the fuck up!" Edward growls, right in Jasper's face, making him stumble back a bit, his own anger flaring up as he shoves Edward off him, snarling himself, hurt a bit and really pissed off.

"I'm working on it," he huffs and grabs Edward's shoulder, pushing him towards the door roughly. The boy just shrugs him off, while kicking the door open.

After that there isn't much choice really. Jasper just tries to look around at least to see if anyone else is watching while Edward almost flies across the street, bringing down a guy along with the dog he was walking out, the animal giving a short howl while being tossed aside and the guy covering himself with his hands. It looks nasty from Jasper's point of view – the man's throat ripped open wide, flesh torn, blood spilled all over. However Jasper licks his lips involuntarily and crouches down, flanking Edward, seeing red in front of his eyes, and thinking  _mine_ , as he approaches the other vampire. Edward just turns to him, face covered in blood and human tissue and emits a low, threatening growl, making Jasper snap out of the trance.

"Move back," Jasper orders coldly, but Edward doesn't listen. He's still crouching over the body, protecting whatever's left of it.

"We've got to get rid of him. We can't leave it like this. Fuck," Jasper says, annoyed, thinking  _fucking newborns._

Edward seems to calm down a bit, but is clearly offended and doesn't move.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, come on," Jasper cries. "Just shove him in the dumpster around the corner. And yes, fuck, I know you want more. Just… toss him in there, yes?"

Finally, Edward complies, reluctantly, and jostles the body in the dumpster, closing the lid after it. Jasper thinks that this is not the best place to hide it - too close to their 'home' - and that it will cause them trouble. But the truth is they can't really be in much more trouble than they are already.

Then Edward's moving. He must have caught some new scent and follows it toward the well-lit streets, towards the people. Jasper panics again because he's not sure he can contain Edward, not with his mental abilities. So he tries to catch up with him and grabs his hand, shakes it with, "Edward, please, just follow me, you can't go there like this." Yet, Edward's already walking, quickly, turning once, twice, and onto the street, his face and clothes still covered in bloody stains while he steps into the light among a small crowd of people.

Suddenly he turns around, searching for Jasper with frantic eyes, shouting, "Jasper, Jasper…" and Jasper knows immediately what's happening. He just jumps in front of Edward, tugs on his hand and pulls him out of there, dragging him along, taking him as far away as he can, to the pier, where there is no one – just rusty pipes behind old ship containers.

"***"

"Your voice is clear and quiet, Jasper, but they're all shouting, whispering, mumbling!" Edward clutches his head and his eyes are still crazy.

Jasper is worried Edward's going to really lose it.

"I  _am_  losing it!" Edward shouts, tugging on his hair.

Jasper doesn't know what to do so he opts for the first thing that comes into his mind. He takes Edward's hand again.

"Quick," he says.

They reach the ocean and Jasper pushes Edward into the water, practically shoving him under the surface. Then farther on, far away from the city, he makes him lie down on the bottom, cold waves closing high above them, silence covering their ears, darkness surrounding them. Jasper doesn't dare leave Edward here, but knows it won't work properly because Edward can still hear his thoughts. So Jasper tries to concentrate on thinking about something nice and relaxing.

He pictures fields of grass – the wind slowly swaying them down to the ground and up again. Sun shines brightly, making the air blurry and bleached like on overdeveloped photograph. He enriches the vision with scents - as he remembers them – the dry grass, the sunburned dirt, and with sounds. It brings him peace, too, and he can feel Edward relaxing next to him. Even the grip on his hand is not so tight anymore.

Jasper tries to emit a bit of calmness, but Edward tenses because he knows he's being 'manipulated' so Jasper goes back to thinking about soothing places. He adds new elements to the landscape - a white house in the end of a road, the smell of apples in a basket, the  _clap clap_  of feet on the deck of the house, screeching of a chair, the scent of something cooking and laughter.

"Kids! Dinner!" someone shouts and Jasper snaps out from the hazy memory - or imagination.

Edward's lying next to him, listening.

 _Are you better?_  Jasper asks Edward through his thoughts and feels a squeeze on his hand in return.

_Do you think we can go back?_

Another squeeze.

 _Okay, try to keep that image and don't get them to you_ , Jasper gives Edward advice in his head as they slowly emerge from under the water.

 

 

**9\. The Fight**

**  
**

Jasper stands against the wall, motionless, tense, trying not to think about anything, but failing. Edward sits on the other side of the room with his legs bent, hugging his knees with his hands, his head buried in his arms.

 _He still acts so human_ , Jasper notices. Because vampires usually stand or sit straight, frozen in their movements, not needing any support or body relaxation.

However the amount of time they both spend in their positions is definitely not human. As usual, Jasper can't tell precisely how many hours have passed, but it must have been a lot. Instead of concentrating on counting the hours Jasper tries to focus on subduing Edward's raging emotions. Human Edward was depressed, resigned, laid back – vampire Edward is mostly angry. His fury is so intense it practically suffocates Jasper. To Jasper, Edward is like a ball of wrath now. Even though he's still sitting motionless Jasper can almost see the hot, red aura of anger that surrounds Edward, wrapping him up in a thick, pulsing layer.

Jasper thinks that he, of all vampires,  _should_  know how to deal with the disorientation, denial and anger of a newborn. He's worked with so many new vampires before, often a few at a time. But with Edward it's different. Whether Jasper wants to admit it to himself or not, he feels a connection between them that he's never felt before with anyone. And it prevents Jasper from having the required emotional distance to avoid Edward affecting him too much. Edward's mind-reading ability and clear hostility towards any mood-moulding makes the whole task of calming him down so much harder.

Jasper closes his eyes and focuses on breathing - inhale and exhale - then on clenching and straightening his fingers, then on breathing again. When that fails he starts to play Tetris in his mind – cube, L, long one, L, Z…

"When will I have to do it again?" Edward asks suddenly.

"You mean… feed?" Jasper doesn't know what word he should choose to make it sound less than what it is.

"Yes."

"It depends. How much do you want it now?" Jasper asks, trying to bypass the layer of anger to probe Edward's hunger.

"Oh, I want it. I can't think of anything else. It burns," Edward says and there's a pleading tone to his voice. There's also pain and despair in Edward's eyes when he raises them to Jasper.

"This is so not what I asked you for when you promised to take it all away," Edward spits out bitterly.

"I know." Jasper slowly moves to Edward and kneels in front of him. "And I'm sorry." He reaches with his hand to touch Edward's arm but decides not to in the end.

"Yeah." Edward nods and all his anger goes away suddenly. "I know you are. I'll be… good. Ah…" Edward extends his hand to Jasper, but winces when their skin touches. "God, it's all so… intense," he murmurs. "Even a simple touch. All the sounds. Will I get used to it?"

Jasper shrugs. "Yes, it'll all become ordinary after some time."

"And the other thing?" Jasper can now depict both hope and anxiety in Edward's voice.

"That I don't know," Jasper answers seriously. "I've learned to block my reading of emotions, tame it a bit, but I can't shut it down completely. I guess it must be worse for you."

"I'm not sure yet." Edward hides his face on his knees again. "That moment back there was like hell."

Jasper nods in agreement, "It felt like hell for me at the beginning too." He recalls the first days, Maria pushing him to deal with her errands right away. Then the nights that came later, the dozens of ones he had to destroy, the feeling of loss and entrapment, of hopelessness, of a conviction to eternity.

Edward raises his head again and looks at Jasper. And for one magical moment they're together in this, they're connected, understood, like never before. But then someone's steps outside distract Edward and the moment is lost – whatever there was is not important anymore. The blood is calling to them.

Edward emits a silent growl and jumps to his feet, moving for the door. In an instant Jasper launches himself at Edward, trying to knock him down, but Edward is fast and strong and manages to shrug him off easily. Jasper reaches to grab Edward's legs and succeeds in catching the edge of his jeans, making Edward trip on the way. The young vampire turns around, furious, snarling, and attacks Jasper directly now, going for his face.

"Calm down!" Jasper shouts, guarding his face in the last moment, but not before Edward's teeth sink deep into the flesh on the outside of his palm.

"Fuck," Jasper growls, really irritated, and for a moment fury makes him blind. He stops thinking and starts fighting. He must have battle moves imprinted in him somehow, because once he just goes with his instincts he can fight Edward off.

It's still not an easy task though, Edward's fuelled with the urge to kill, his moves are fast and his blows are really strong. They hurt. Edward's tight grasp, each snap of his teeth and each strike which reaches Jasper hurts a lot, and Jasper's surprised when he finds out he kind of enjoys this. He hasn't felt anything physical like this for so long. However, he doesn't enjoy the raw anger and the hate that's emitted during such fight, so he's relieved when he' finally able to pin Edward down, kicking his shins and punching him hard in the stomach on the way. He places his forearm underneath Edward's chin, imprisoning him with his whole body.

"Calm the fuck down!" he snarls. "You can't go out to kill people in the middle of a day, and a sunny one on top of that. We can't risk being exposed like that. So you'd better contain your crazy newborn urges or I'll have to restrain you for good."

Edward stops struggling and slowly unclenches his fists before nodding in agreement. But when Jasper tries to release him he makes a sudden move as if he wanted to try escaping again. That's why Jasper pushes Edward to the ground again and twists one of his arms behind his back, trapping it in between Edward's body and the floor, while he grinds his hips hard into Edward's groin. Somehow it's dangerously sexual, and of course Edward picks this thought from Jasper's brain and Jasper can feel the sudden lust flaring up.

"Go for it," Edward says quietly, staring into Jasper's eyes. "I want this. I want you."

For a short moment they are completely still, Jasper wondering if this is something he can really do, while Edward waits, challenging Jasper with his gaze.

And then Jasper flips Edward around so he's lying face down on the floor and Jasper's fumbling with Edward's pants, pushing them down, tearing at the denim. He reaches for both of their shirts, ripping them off as well, and kicks his own jeans off too, because he wants to feel Edward's skin with his whole body. When they are both naked he spreads Edward's legs with his knees, pulling him up a bit. Then he licks his fingers, coating them with slick venom before opening Edward up for him quickly. He knows he can't hurt Edward, not like this, but somehow he believes that he owes him at least this before he shoves his cock inside him.

Edward grunts when Jasper enters him, pushing deep, as deep as he can, bracing one of his hands on Edward's shoulder to bring the boy closer, keeping him still as he thrusts fiercely into him. Edward's erection is trapped between his body and the concrete floor and if he was still human his flesh would probably be scraped raw. But for the vampire he is now the friction is not enough and Edward tries to reach with his hand to stroke himself. That movement ignites something inside Jasper – something like anger, but not quite, something close to ' _oh no, don't you dare! I'll give it to you. Me and only me. You're mine. I decide_ ,' and Jasper lets go of Edward's shoulder, pushes his hand out of the way harshly and slips his own around to palm Edward's cock. He grips it hard, probably too hard, his knuckles scratching the concrete with each rough thrust of his hips.

He feels Edward's cock twitch in his fist, spurts of cum spilling over Jasper's fingers and onto the floor. And it doesn't last long before Jasper comes too, deep inside Edward, biting at his shoulder, just a little bit – just to feel the taste of his skin.

"You're a sick fuck," Edward laughs when they're done and sticky with all the cum, lying next to each other on their backs, Jasper still with his hand on Edward's thigh as if trying to not lose the connection, to reassure himself the boy still belongs to him, is claimed forever.

"Yeah," Jasper laughs too and lightly scratches the flesh beneath his fingers, thinking that it was his first full sex – not counting the hump the other day - in almost a hundred years or more.

"Really?" Edward asks in disbelief.

"Yeah," Jasper admits aloud and smiles again, still not wanting to take his hand off Edward.

"Well I'm glad I could provide it then..." Edward says with a smirk, and without any warning he pushes himself up, reaches for Jasper, threads his fingers in Jasper's hair and kisses him lightly, releasing him before Jasper starts panicking about what he should do – reciprocate, deepen the kiss, shrug it off? – and collapsing back on the ground.

They lie peacefully next to each other for a while, still smiling; while the last rays of sun cast little sparkles on their exposed skin.

"***"

Jasper scratches his hand where Edward bit him earlier. Edward notices the movement and takes Jasper's hand to inspect it more closely. The wound is already healing, but it's still fresh enough that small drops of venom glitter around the edges.

"I'm sorry," Edward apologizes quietly. "Does it hurt?"

"Nah," Jasper shakes his head lightly. "It itches a bit. Doesn't matter." It's not like this is his first one, he doesn't mind it any more.

"So, so many," Edward whispers while his eyes roam down Jasper's body - his arms, torso, legs. He moves his hand and traces one of Jasper's scars with his finger.

Edward doesn't ask how it happened, but Jasper's thoughts go involuntarily to those years. He quickly moves on to thinking about here and now, but those flashes were enough to make Edward draw in a sharp breath. Jasper stiffens at that. He doesn't want Edward feeling bad for him, he can't stand this kind of empathy, the pity and hidden disgust.

"No, no," Edward says quickly. "I like them. They are very  _you._ " He takes Jasper's hand again and kisses the bitten place. "But I'm truly sorry for the ones I caused and the ones I  _will_  cause, because it will happen again, right?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. But I really don't mind this. I… um… I enjoyed fighting with you. You're quite a decent opponent for a skinny, lame newborn." Jasper chuckles.

"Must be the mind reading thing," Edward says. "I guess I anticipate your next move. How did you do it today without thinking?"

"I used to be a soldier," Jasper responds as if it explains everything, but Edward seems to get it because he only nods, acknowledging the answer.

They sit up and dress silently, choosing clothes which aren't too dirty.

"I think we need to move out from the city," Jasper says aloud what's been on his mind from the moment that he stopped drinking Edward's blood. "It's too risky here – too many witnesses."  _And too many people you could hear the thoughts of_ , Jasper adds in his head, catching himself right away and smiling because Edward must have caught it anyway.

"Where?" Edward asks. He's resigned, but underneath this Jasper can see some growing energy that he hasn't noticed before.

"I've no idea. We'll just go and see. Let's wait for the night though. You need to feed anyway if we're to go anywhere, otherwise you'll cause us trouble. I guess I should feed too." He sighs. "Would you wait here so I could bring someone for you? I really don't want you to go out there again."

Edward nods and Jasper turns to leave before stopping with his hand on the door frame. "Can you promise me… can you promise you won't go anywhere? That you'll wait?"

"Yes," it's all Edward says but it's enough for Jasper. He believes him.

"***"

Jasper has no idea where to look today for someone for him and for Edward. Normally he'd go to a bar and play the whole charade, but he's afraid of leaving Edward alone for too long and he doesn't want to pollute the memory of their fuck with some quasi-sexual behaviour now. He goes to the docks again and hides in the shadows waiting for some smugglers. They're always here, he's seen them thousands of times while he was around. And soon enough he's rewarded with what he's been waiting for.

Jasper grimaces when he spots some men talking together, clearly arranging a deal. They talk in hushed voices, but that doesn't prevent Jasper from hearing them. He moves quietly towards them, wraps one of his arms around the throat of one man, cutting his breathing while he strikes the other one with his fist. He goes straight for his throat and drinks him up while keeping the second man still with his hand. It's awful because the guy can see what's going on and the fear he emits makes Jasper want to puke. The scent of piss – because the man has wet his pants by now - doesn't help. Jasper gulps on the blood, closing his eyes and pretending he's not really there. He just wants to be done with it as quickly as possible.

When he can't take any more of the blood, he leaves the body, throwing it down with disgust, and not bothering to hide or cover it. By the time the day comes and someone finds him, Jasper and Edward will be long gone. Then Jasper drags the second, half-conscious man back to their place. He carries him up the stairs, but doesn't even need to open the door because Edward is already there, snatching the gurgling man from Jasper's hands and pushing Jasper out of the way harshly. He growls when Jasper makes a move, so Jasper decides to stand very still against the wall while Edward practically rips the man into pieces in the hallway. Jasper doesn't know if he's horrified or amazed, or even a little aroused by the sight of it. He tries very hard not to overanalyse it though, he really doesn't need to feel any more like a freak than he already does.

Edward finally leaves the body, or what's left of it, and turns to Jasper. He's got blood all over him. He's still in a state of slight frenzy so Jasper decides to tame it down a bit, sending a small wave of calmness toward Edward and praying that his little manipulation won't aggravate Edward further. Edward blinks few times, takes in the sight in front of his eyes and kneels down while dry heaves twist his body.

"Oh fuck," he says. "Fuck."

"Edward?" Jasper tries to reach for him but Edward shrugs him off, shakes his head and covers his mouth with his hand. Jasper leaves him alone, silently going into the apartment, waiting for the boy to deal with it on his own.

"***"

Jasper doesn't comment on what's happened when Edward finally enters the place, going straight for the make-shift shower, scrubbing himself meticulously and then picking some fresh clothes again. Whatever he had to think about he's clearly put it behind him now because he seems quite confident again.

"Let's move on," Jasper says, wanting to make use of the state of mind Edward is in now.

"Okay." Edward ties up his shoes and jumps up onto his feet. Jasper once again thinks that he really enjoys the new energy that vampire Edward has in him.

They walk out of the place, not looking back, not taking anything with them. There is nothing a vampire would need on their journey. They run through the streets quickly, trying not to attract attention, Edward not breathing, focused on the goal in front of him. When they reach the city limits and then move past the 'farewell state sign' Edward stops abruptly, turns around and stands for a while, looking back. There is sadness and regret in him, but also relief. Edward stays for a minute longer while Jasper waits, and then Edward turns back and follows him north.

 

 

**10\. The Road**

**  
**

They keep close to the roads because Jasper thinks it's easier that way. He doesn't mind running through forests and mountains and damp places, but going along the roads make more sense to him. That way they can avoid people, who are closed tightly in the metal cans they call cars, while they walk fast and effortlessly on comfortable side-roads.

Sometimes a car pulls over, driver asking them if they need a lift. But usually no one risks asking two strange men on the road so Jasper and Edward can move without being bothered. They don't talk much, but occasionally Edward huffs, annoyed, when Jasper thinks something about him.

But then the shit happens. Jasper knew it was coming. He thinks he must draw drama and awful things to him because it's impossible to explain it otherwise. Or maybe the world is just a much, much worse place than he thought it was.

They are somewhere deep in Canada now, near Prince George, when a car pulls over next to them. It's dark already and cold, winter in its full strike. It's snowing heavily and the wind makes it even worse. Jasper realizes that for a human they must look lost and not prepared for such weather - just in their jackets, sneakers and jeans.

"Are you all right there boys?" the driver asks through the opened passenger window. He's got a round face with wide lips and strange eyes which look almost colorless. "It's a bit too cold to walk on foot, huh?"

Jasper opens his mouth but Edward beats him.

"We're fine," he answers, smiling without showing his teeth. "Our car's broken down and we're just walking to the nearest town here."

"Well then, pop in boys," the driver invites them. "That's no weather to walk out there."

"We're fine," Jasper answers curtly, but sees that Edward's hesitating.

"It's still more than eighteen miles to the nearest town here, you'll freeze to death. Hop on in," the driver insists.

Jasper really doesn't like the idea, but to his surprise Edward thanks the driver and opens the back door of the truck to get in. Not wanting to leave Edward alone with the man Jasper caves and goes inside too.

The car smells of the man's sweat, cigarettes and old air freshener. A local radio station is playing some cheery commercials. Jasper looks around with curiosity, realizing he's never been in a private car before. He's used buses and trains a bit and he's seen the insides of cabs, but he's never had a chance to ride in one. He gets lost in the movement of the wipers and the snow smashing in spots on the front window.

For a moment they drive in silence, but Jasper can feel Edward tensing up and glances at him warily, wondering if the blood lust is taking over already.

"Mind if I smoke?" the driver breaks the silence, taking a wrinkled packet of cigarettes out of his pocket.

Jasper and Edward shake their heads even though it's probably not visible in the darkness.

"You?" the driver offers, extending his hand with the packet towards the backseat. Edward impulsively reaches for a cigarette before catching himself and saying, "I… ah, I'm trying to quit."

The driver shoves them back in his pocket and asks. "So where were you heading, boys?"

There's something creepy about him, but Jasper can't just put his finger on it. To his astonishment he feels Edward gripping his hand - hard. It's the first time they've touched since their fuck and it distracts Jasper enough that he's not able to answer properly. Once again, Edward beats him to it.

"Prince George," he says. "We're going there to take a job in my cousin's workshop."

"Workshop, huh? Prince George," the man repeats, smiling in an ugly way and Edward's hand is almost crushing the bones of Jasper's hand right now.

 _What?_  Jasper asks Edward in his mind, but he doesn't get his answer.

Suddenly Edward is on the front seat, ripping the man's head off with one movement. The car jumps on the road and hits the barrier with its side, the horrible sound of screeching metal invading Jasper's ears.

Edward throws the man's body out of the seat and stops the car. He hasn't gone for the man's blood which scares Jasper even more because he doesn't understand what's just happened.

"What the fuck, Edward?" he screams clutching the backseat, completely at loss for what he should do. Even though he's fed not so long ago the scent of blood in the car makes him hungry and he can't think straight. He can't comprehend why Edward doesn't drink the man's blood and how he is able to resist.

"You wouldn't touch it either." Edward answers his thought through clenched teeth, clearly not breathing while he storms out of the car. Jasper follows him, terrified. Edward's walking back and forth on the side of the road, his sneakers burying deep in the snow with each step. He waves his hands and grips his hair, making it stand up, damp from the snow.

"You've just killed a man," Jasper whispers, still not believing it. "Not because of hunger." He's devastated, crushed; he can't even look at Edward right now. Jasper's killed people before not for feeding – but as a soldier and then on Maria's request. But this is totally different; or at least he believes it's different.

Edward finally turns around to look at Jasper. "You should hear his thoughts, Jasper..."

" _What_  he could possibly be thinking, Edward, to deserve  _this_?" Jasper makes a movement with his hand toward the car.

"You don't want to know…" Edward kneels down in the snow. "I don't want you to see it."

"But I need to understand," Jasper disagrees, thinking there's no way in the world he can just forget about what's just happened.

"He was a psycho, Jasper, all right?" Edward cries out, still clutching his hair. "Killing and raping little girls in most cruel way - in an old workshop… I can't wipe it out of my mind. I still see it!"

It all makes sense to Jasper now. He wonders what he'd do if he saw something like that in someone's mind.

"He could've been imagining it. You don't know…" he says, unsure.

Edward turns to him again, his expression still crazy and scaring Jasper to death. "Oh, believe me, he  _did_  all this. These were memories. Not some random thoughts. And he would do it again!"

"You can't play God, Edward," Jasper says, his lips barely parting when he voices it.

"And that coming from you, Jasper," Edward answers bitterly. "After years of what you've been doing. Picking them off like faulty items in a factory!"

They stand by the road, angry with each other, not knowing what to do next. Then Edward makes up his mind, walks toward the car, opens the door and throws the man's body along with his severed head into the snow. He rips the man's jacket and goes back into the car, wiping the blood that was spilled inside. He throws the jacket in the snow, too, and turns to Jasper.

"Get in," he orders. "I'm not walking anywhere in this snow."

"I, uh… I can't drive," Jasper answers, hesitating.

"I'm not asking you to drive. I'm asking you to get in," Edward answers in the manner that people talk to small children sometimes. And Jasper complies, wrinkling his nose when the scent of blood inside overwhelms his senses.

"It'll be a good exercise for us," Edward says coolly, referring to the blood stench, taking his seat behind the wheel. He pushes the gear shift and they go on the road.

This is so strange to Jasper. He's still in shock. It all feels surreal - the humming of the car, the music playing in the radio, the muffled sound of wipers scratching on the window, the snowy road ahead of them lit only by the car lights, snowflakes twirling in the rays of light. Dark forest surrounds them and there's no sight of any town yet. Edward drives fast, probably way too fast for such weather. But it's not like they can be harmed in a car crash, so Jasper doesn't complain; he just looks out of the window, trying to see something between the trees.

"***"

"Left or right?" Edward's question startles Jasper, distracting him from whatever thoughts he was having.

"I don't know. What's the difference?"

"Left is towards the ocean. Right is the mountains," Edward answers curtly.

Jasper feels uneasy at the thought of being too far away from the ocean, where he can find his peace, but he thinks he should fight this too, that maybe it's an exercise as well. So in spite of himself he says, "Right then."

Edward quirks his brow at him, but doesn't comment as he turns right at the crossing.

They drive silently again, hour after hour, stopping only for gas, using up whatever money they had along with the man's funds found in the car.

They abandon the car when the roads become too snowed in to drive. Jasper doesn't want to admit it but he's relieved when he leaves the car. He felt trapped in the small space, surrounded by the owner's items and the scent of his dried blood. He already regrets his decision to go far from the ocean. His fingers twitch and he keeps turning his head west as if in search of his water.

Edward sighs. "You know, if we just go up farther North, we'll reach the sea too. But I'm not sure if it's frozen or something, I wasn't paying much attention in Geography class to be honest. And it must be like minus forty there or more, but I guess that won't be a problem for us as we're already dead, right?"

Jasper nods. He's a bit overwhelmed with all of this. He hasn't even noticed when Edward took over and he doesn't understand why is he letting Edward decide for him, lead him to wherever he's leading him.

"May I remind you that it was your idea to get away from people? Well, I reckon – the colder the place, the less populated it is," Edward answers Jasper's musings.

Jasper can't argue with that reasoning so he follows Edward silently. They move a bit faster now, then start running and somewhere on the way the run becomes a race. They barely touch the snow, jumping on the trees like squirrels, pushing each other of the way playfully, wind whistling in their ears, snow clinging to their clothes, making them shrug like dogs to throw it off.

There's little light during the day so Jasper realizes they must be pretty far up north by now. When he scents the faraway smell of the sea, they stop. There's no civilization around them, only mountains and forests, plains and valleys. The view is the most beautiful one Jasper's ever seen. But he's worried. He can feel Edward's hunger beginning to grow and tries to find the solution. But before he's come up with one, a wolf howls somewhere near them and Edward states, "I'm going to try with the animal thing."

Jasper's so unsure about this, but he bravely goes for it. They run, following the sound of the howl, then the scent of the pack. When they strike the animals run in different directions, panicked. They've no chance in the encounter with the vampires and soon five of them are down. Jasper stops to look at Edward killing the last one and finds out he quite enjoys this view. There is something pure and primal about it as the wolves try to fight back, and there's only a little cloud of fear, but nothing more which would make Jasper feel like he's the death personified coming for the innocent.

When he's done with the wolf Edward jumps to his feet and takes off running again with Jasper following him once more.

"***"

They're both a bit confused when they stop in a meadow in the middle of the forest. It's daylight now the snow's sparkling in the sharp sun. The hunt was unusual and Jasper can feel Edward that can't process it all yet, just like himself. Edward sits down on the snow and starts playing with dried blades of grass sticking out of it, curling and uncurling them in his fingers.

Jasper joins him, sitting next to him with his legs crossed. He looks at Edward, not knowing how to bring the subject up.

"Well, that was…" he finally says but trails off. Then he finishes it with "gross" at the same moment Edward says, "Interesting…"

Edward nods. "But yeah, gross too."

He lies back on the ground, looking up in the sky. The air is clear and smells of snow and fresh wood. Edward tugs on Jasper's sleeve, making him lie next to him. But even though Jasper's already there Edward doesn't let go of the sleeve, instead he moves his hand a bit so it touches Jasper's wrist. These are just soft brushes, but they make Jasper a bit lightheaded. Jasper's fingers twitch and he closes his eyes, focusing on Edward's touch on his skin.

"Do you think we could survive only on animals?" Edward asks and Jasper opens his eyes to look at Edward, who's facing him now, his eyes red, but with strange golden dots that look really beautiful to Jasper.

"Jasper?" Edward urges him to answer and Jasper notices that he must have drifted with his thoughts, admiring the perfect shape of Edward's lips, long, thick eyelashes, almost impossible on a guy, and those liquid amber spots that are really tiny, but mesmerizing to Jasper.

"I, uh… I don't know. We could try. Although they taste and smell like… ugh," Jasper frowns.

"Yeah," Edward agrees, but seems to be distracted too. He reaches with his hand to Jasper's hair, pushing it out of his face. "You know," he says, "Your eyes have little sparks of gold in them."

"Yours too," Jasper smiles and looks up again into Edward's eyes.

The moment is tender, yet intense at the same time and when Edward leans over to kiss him, Jasper freezes, really nervous, not wanting to spoil it with his thoughts and failing already. He doesn't want to disappoint Edward; he wants this kiss so badly, like his whole life depends on it, but he's sure he'll ruin it all.

"Jasper, please,  _please_ , try not think. Just for a little while," Edward asks him, gently placing his hand on Jasper's cheek and moving over him to kiss Jasper more.

And so Jasper focuses on the trees above their heads, swinging to the light wind, the scent of dry pine needles and moss, the cracking of branches, the light filtering through the leaves, and then - on Edward trailing his hands over Jasper's body, the light touch of hands undressing him.

He feels a warm tongue and soft lips on his chest, and fingers opening him up. When Edward enters him, Jasper inhales, the scent of the forest making him dizzy. He places his hands on Edward's forearms, closes his eyes and just gets lost in this – in Edward moving inside him, in the warmth building in his stomach and chest, in the heat of Edward's hands on his hips.

He doesn't know when his orgasm comes. He's surprised to see that somewhere in this all Edward must have moved one of his hands between them to stroke him. He notices in astonishment that he's spilled all over his stomach. He's so disconnected from his body that he isn't even sure if he is  _real_. Even the forest seems to be frozen in time, floating in a state of dubious existence.

Jasper looks up to see Edward smiling. It feels to Jasper like he's being enveloped in a warm blanket of Edward's feelings. Edward lies down on him, still deep inside him, and they rest, connected and relaxed while the sounds of the woods slowly slot back into their places, and the time starts flowing again.

Jasper is devastated when Edward finally slips out of him, kisses Jasper's shoulder and then stands up. He feels… betrayed. He doesn't want their life to pick up just yet. Edward leans down, extending his hand to Jasper to help him up. They dress quickly, not looking at each other.

"Let's find a place for us," Edward says, starting to walk.

Jasper follows him silently, thinking about what's just happened and how it'll affect them. He wonders where will they live, and if them living together is such a good idea or if they're going to destroy each other.

"Jasper, I can hear you," Edward snaps.

Jasper stops walking and Edward turns around to look at him.

"This isn't going to work, is it?" Jasper says miserably, hanging his head. "With you hearing my thoughts and me feeling what you feel, there is no way for us to work." He's finally voiced what he's been thinking from the beginning. What's the point of hiding it anyway when Edward knows it already?

Edward looks at him seriously, all traces of smile gone. "No," he finally answers. "I don't think it will work for us."

Jasper is close to tears now. Not that he could actually cry, but he sure feels like crying. Edward sighs and walks back to Jasper, wraps his arm around Jasper's shoulder and kisses his cheek briefly.

"Let's not dwell on this now, okay?" he says. "You never know."

 _But you don't believe it's possible_ , Jasper thinks.

"No," Edward admits aloud. "Come on, let's go and find us some shelter for the night."

That remark makes Jasper smile because it reminds him how young Edward still is and how much human he still is. For there isn't any necessity to find shelter for the night when you're a vampire.

Edward chuckles. "Nonetheless it would be nice to have a dry place to stay and a roof over our heads. I don't like the snow so much and it sure feels like it's going to be a snowstorm tonight."

They turn toward the plains in search for a place for them.

 

**11\. The North**

**  
**

For a while Jasper and Edward wander around the woods which are becoming less and less dense. They follow the faint smell of a human to find an old wooden cabin. The windows are made of thick, matt glass and the walls are uneven and patched up. They slowly go around to check if anyone's in, but it looks deserted.

Jasper wrinkles his nose when they enter the shack. The inside is dark and humid. Walls that used to be painted white are stained and cracked. There's a single, narrow bed under the wall, with patterned sheets on it; a stove, small table and a single chair. Some items are scattered around the place – a kettle, some pots, tools, an old rug. The place smells of animal grease, nicotine and damp clothes.

"Oh come on, don't be picky, it's a roof over our heads," Edward says, his lips twitching in a half-smile.

 _No,_  Jasper says in his mind and exits the place. He takes a deep breath; the small shack was suffocating and claustrophobic and smelled awful.

"Jasper, please," Edward says, joining him outside the cabin. "Don't be such a baby. You'll get used to it. I'll clean it up later, okay?"

They both laugh because there's no way this place can be cleaned up. Years of constant use have worn it down too much.

"Okay." Jasper smiles. "I'll hold you to that!"

"So, are you coming in? It's dark and cold and our clothes are completely drenched from all the snow. Please?"

Jasper reluctantly follows Edward inside the cabin even though he doesn't mind either the dark or the cold, or even the drenched clothes. These things are unpleasant – true, but not really important.

They look around once more and Edward exclaims, "An old wood-burning stove! Wonderful!" He exits the place in a swoosh, leaving stunned Jasper alone for a second. But before Jasper can even open his mouth Edward's back with branches in his hands. He opens the stove, shoves the wood inside and starts rummaging through the cabinets and shelves in search of something. Jasper just stands in the middle of the place watching him, bemused and feeling useless. He doesn't even know what Edward is searching for.

"Matches," Edward explains. "There must be some around here." Before Jasper can move to help with the searching, Edward shouts, "Aha!" and shows Jasper on old box of long matches. "I hope they're dry enough," Edward mumbles, fumbling with the stove. "My grandfather used to have one almost exactly like this, you just have to pull this trigger, put the wood inside and..." Edward murmurs to himself, still trying to light up the stove.

Jasper leaves him to it and turns and looks around the place more carefully now. He thinks someone must live here; maybe not now, not when it's winter, but he's sure it's not abandoned. He picks up a book, trying to see what it is in the dim light. He decides it's not important and places it back on the shelf. Light flickers behind him and Edward emits a contented sigh when flames lick the wood. Edward blows in the stove and then moves to the table. He takes a lamp which was standing there and lights it too.

"Strip," he tells Jasper.

"What?"

"Let's dry our clothes. I hate them like this." Edward is already taking off his shoes, shirt and jeans, followed by socks and underwear. Jasper hesitates for a moment but strips too. They hang the clothes on the chair, as close to the stove as possible. Then Edward takes the mattress from the bed along with the covers and places it under the wall, also closer to the stove. He sits there and waves to Jasper.

"Come here," he motions between his legs.

For a moment Jasper thinks that Edward is talking about something sexual, but then he realizes Edward is simply inviting him to sit between his legs. So he does, leaning against Edward's chest and stretching his legs in front of him. Edward wraps his arms around Jasper and presses his cheek to Jasper's jaw.

"I miss sleeping," he says. "I miss it the most. If we were human we would fall asleep like this and not be anxious about what to do next. We'd say 'Ah, let's sleep on it.' But then of course we'd be frozen to death by the end of the night, but you know what I mean."

"I guess." Jasper shrugs and leans against Edward, closing his eyes and almost purring like a cat because it is utter pleasure to be so close, so intimate and so at peace.

Edward must like Jasper's thoughts because he strokes Jasper's arms and kisses his neck.

"Can you try to calm us down so much that we'd be almost asleep?"

Jasper's done this to people before – never to a vampire – but he decides to give it a try. He focuses on relaxing himself first, bit by bit – toes, calves, thighs, the muscles of his stomach, shoulders, every finger, eyelids, tongue. Then he lets it slip through him, like the relaxation is leaking out of him. Edward sighs and murmurs something like "Yes, that," but then everything is quiet and at ease, and only the wood in the stove cracks, hisses and sends out sparks from time to time.

When the gray morning light filters into the shack Jasper unfolds himself from Edward's arms, scoots down and watches Edward's limp cock for a moment before wrapping his mouth around it. He does it because he thinks that it's the perfect way to end their night together. Edward nods and hums in agreement with Jasper's thoughts, his cock immediately erect, swelling in Jasper's mouth. Edward threads his fingers in Jasper's hair and thrusts his hips up to meet Jasper's movements. He shudders and spills inside Jasper's mouth making Jasper smile wide. Then Edward pulls Jasper down on the floor, hitches his leg over Jasper's and wraps his fingers tight around Jasper's erection while kissing his neck and collarbones.

This is so unusual for Jasper – this feeling of pleasure without the shadow of anything else. He's not ashamed, not sad about what's going on, he's not even thinking about what he'll have to do when the moment is over. Although he  _is_ thinking about it now once he's brought it on. But he only smiles to himself and dismisses the thought for later. He turns his face to kiss Edward, allows his tongue to slip in Edward's mouth. He's still smiling, thanking Edward for the bliss, for the warmth, while Edward's skilled fingers continue moving up and down Jasper's cock, not faltering even when Jasper comes over Edward's palm, breathing hushed whimpers against Edward's lips.

" *****"**

Jasper feels he needs some time alone to process it all, so he leaves Edward to his doings – whatever they are - in the shack, and runs farther north, till the mountains and sparse woodland are replaced by long, flat plains of tundra. Jasper is a Southern boy, he loves the sun and warmth and misses the clear Texan sky. But he's been without it for so many years now, he's gotten used to the northern climate. But he's never been this far north before. The view is breathtaking even though the darkness surrounds him almost all the time. Jasper supposes it must have something to do with the polar night.

When he reaches the sea he gasps with disappointment.

It is nothing like  _his_ ocean. In fact – there  _is_  no ocean. The only thing Jasper sees are fields and fields of white, up to the horizon. No water, no waves, no way to get under the ice and snow. For a while Jasper deliberates whether he'd be able to break through the surface to see if there's anything underneath – there must be water there, right? But he looks around and resigns himself. All the white and the wind blowing here are enough for him, he doesn't need to get under it to feel the calmness.

He sits down on the snow, trying to understand the events of last few days. It all feels unreal. Surely Edward feels unreal to him. Jasper rolls up the sleeve to see the bite mark that Edward left on his arm the first time they fought. He traces the scar with his finger, then moves to the one on his palm – they feel real, they  _are_  real, it's proof. But proof of what Jasper can't tell. He knows there's no way for this thing between them to last, yet he prays that it will.

With the strange light here Jasper can't tell the passing of time at all – he doesn't know if it's a morning or evening or even the night already. He could have been sitting here for just a few hours but a whole day is also possible. He decides to go back and stands up, still hazy and unsure. He hasn't dealt with anything while being here, hasn't rethought this, he knows nothing. He anticipates the worst, the end of innocence, the fall of it all.

But when Jasper comes back to the shack it sure doesn't look like the end. It looks like cleaning.

"You really cleaned in here!" Jasper gasps in astonishment.

The cabin is practically pristine – the smell almost unnoticeable, the dust nonexistent, everything tidied away. The sheets from the bed hang in front of the stove and Edward is grinning.

"I told you I'd do this." He sends Jasper crooked smile. He's obviously very pleased with himself. "Sorry, honey, I couldn't make your dinner, but you know how it is," he continues making Jasper laugh.

"I thought you didn't care about such stuff?" Jasper asks.

"Well, I don't care so much, but I like it better now. Besides, it makes  _you_  feel better," Edward finishes seriously.

"So…" Jasper wants to thank Edward, to understand the double meaning of it, to read more into it than there really is. But before his thoughts start spiraling and going to places he doesn't even know about Edward finishes for him, "So, yes, we're staying here. For a while. If you're okay with it?"

Jasper nods and sits down on the floor to take off his shoes, starting to fight with the wet and frozen laces. What happens next is one of the strangest things that has ever occurred in Jasper's life, and he's seen a lot. He's not prepared when Edward sits next to him, takes his foot and slowly unties the laces for him. He takes off each of his shoes followed by the socks, placing Jasper's feet gently on the ground when they're bare. It's like something a parent would do for their child.

Jasper looks up at Edward, trying to understand. Something twists in his chest because of it, even though the act seemed really insignificant. Edward reaches with his hand and brushes Jasper's cheek, right under his eye, leans down and kisses him lightly.

"I'm glad you're back so soon. I was afraid you'd be gone for days," he says.

Jasper doesn't answer this. He's not sure if he came back so early because he didn't count the time right, or just because he wanted to get back to Edward as soon as possible.

"Can we do what we did last night again?" Edward asks. "I liked it."

"The 'sleep thing'?" Jasper clarifies, not sure if Edward's not talking about what he did to Edward this morning.

"Yes." Edward nods and sits, leaning against the wall in the same position as last night, spreading his arms for Jasper who smiles and sits between Edward's legs, resting.

There's no way they can call this real sleep, but it's calming and comforting anyway. At first Jasper shows Edward the frozen sea and the fields of white he's seen today, but then he forgets what he's thinking about and in the end he doesn't pay attention anymore, allowing his thoughts to drift and flow easily.

"***"

"I'll be washing my clothes. Do you want me to wash yours too?" Edward asks when the light appears.

"Is there any running water around?" Jasper wonders.

"I'll melt some ice. Give me your clothes." He extends his hand to Jasper who takes off everything except his underwear.

Edward quirks his eyebrow at him. "Now you're self-conscious?"

But Jasper really is uncomfortable with this suddenly. He shouldn't be, they've seen each other enough. But the idea of walking around the cabin with his dick dangling between his legs makes Jasper cringe. However he finally undresses, too.

Edward just laughs and gets to work.

When all the clothes are hanging next to the stove Edward crawls to Jasper, who sits on the mattress, flipping through some book he's found.

""The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn'…" Edward chuckles, taking the book out of Jasper's hands and placing it next to them on the floor. "Isn't that fitting?" He smiles more and kisses Jasper, pushing him gently back. "You should not wear clothes more often," he murmurs in Jasper's navel.

This time Jasper's totally aware of what's going on. There's no fight before, no killing, no hunting. Only him and Edward, and Edward's hand firmly closed on his cock as Edward guides it into his mouth, wrapping Jasper in delicious warmth. Jasper hums and allows it to happen, relaxing and closing his eyes, leaving Edward to his doings. But when he feels his orgasm building up he opens his eyes to look at Edward and moves his leg so his foot is touching Edward's cock. Edward grinds his hips into it, rubbing his erection against Jasper's skin. When Jasper comes he feels wetness coating his foot and smiles.

Edward scoots up and sighs contently against Jasper's chest.

Jasper looks around to find something to wipe himself with, but nothing is in within reach so he lies back again. Actually, he thinks, he doesn't mind Edward's cum drying on him. He's just surprised that it only took that to make Edward come.

"You really have no idea how it is to feel it all coming from you, and mix it with images from your head," Edward says, answering Jasper's thoughts.

"***"

But Jasper's thoughts are not always comforting and amusing to Edward. In fact, the next few days are a constant roller-coaster of pleasure and peace mixed with strange moments of uncomfortable silence during which Edward usually huffs, annoyed. To give Edward some time alone Jasper goes back to the frozen sea. He spends a day and night there, getting frustrated with himself too. In the corner of his eye he sees a white bear and considers killing it, but it seems like cheating on Edward and Jasper decides to go back to his companion. He needs blood.

"I need to feed," Jasper says when he arrives. "Either we go to some town, or we try the woods again."

"Woods," Edward answers, immediately setting off for the run. He's hungry too.

They don't need to go far when they spot a herd of caribou. Or at least they think it must be caribou – they look like Santa's reindeers. They both hesitate because it's not every day you're about to kill a creature from childhood fairytales. But the blood-call wins. They both launch for the same big male and snarl at each other, Jasper pushing Edward out of his way. But Edward is stronger, still a newborn and he wins this match with Jasper easily. It ignites something in Jasper, something vicious and violent, but before he can turn against Edward the herd starts running and Jasper follows them quickly, killing one after another.

Later, they stand in the woods, breathing deeply, even though they're not really tired. But the hunt is still alive in their veins, making them edgy and high, and hyper-aware of everything that surrounds them.

"Do you feel them too?" Edward asks, looking towards the place where they've just hunted.

Jasper thinks about it for a while before answering, "I guess. A little bit. But it's hazy and simple. One emotion at a time. Fear. No hate though. And I feel it like," he makes a motion with his fingers, "like it's coming through thick layers of something blurry and soft. Like... through cotton maybe? It's raw, but not quite unpleasant."

Edward nods in understanding. "But the taste..." he adds.

"Ugh, the taste... Yeah," Jasper agrees, shrugging with disgust.

"But could you?" Edward goes back to the question they asked the first time they've hunted animals. "You know, live only on that? I'm asking seriously now."

Jasper considers it, but isn't sure. And then, instead of answering, "Would  _you_? Will you try?"

He wonders if Edward knows him better than he knows himself – if he can see the answer in Jasper's head before he can even think of it.

Edward's lips twitch as if he wants to smile.

There is a little pause and then Jasper finally says 'no', exactly at the same time Edward says 'yes'.

It makes Jasper feel like he's a monster. The silence that follows is hard and unwelcome. Jasper turns around, brushes his jeans and sets off.

"***"

Jasper's hiding. A little bit from Edward, but mostly from himself.

He's pretending it hasn't happened, that he isn't here. But he knows it is fruitless. He knew that something like this would happen. He's been too careless. And it's going to be so much worse now, now that he's tasted bliss without having to deal with his usual thoughts all the time. However nothing comes without a price and one can't take vacations from oneself forever. Things have to go back to normal. He should've predicted that he'd go back to his everyday self-loathing soon.

Jasper knows well that he's a sinner – maybe not in a Christian way of thinking, although that too – but he's a sinner anyway. He wonders if he was the same when he was human. He must've been happy at some point in his life, right? But now it doesn't matter anymore because he is how he is and he doesn't know any other self.

He tries to push the thoughts away, somewhere to the back of his mind _. Let it lurk from the shadows_ , he thinks.  _I'll deal with myself later_. He knows it's a lost cause anyway - once it starts to grab him it grows and spreads, consuming him.

 _Please_ , he pleads, asking himself,  _please, let me have this one more evening without it. Just a few more hours. Then I'll deal with it. Just a few more hours._

And that's how Edward finds him, curled up behind a pile of wood next to the cabin. Jasper tries to hide his thoughts but he isn't sure how he could do this anyway, so he desperately searches for some happy images instead – anything – to veil it from Edward.

Edward approaches him slowly, saying nothing. He places his hand on Jasper's head, threading his fingers in Jasper's hair and ruffling it lightly. Then he leans down to kiss Jasper on the lips.

"Go easy on yourself, Jasper," he says gently. "Just... Let go." He extends his hand to Jasper and the vampire takes it, allowing Edward to pull him up to his feet.

"Race me?" Edward proposes.

"What?"

"Indulge me a little." The smirk on Edward's face breaks through the grey heavy mist clouding Jasper. "Come on? Yeah?"

The moment Jasper agrees to it in his mind – but before he can verbalize it – Edward is already running, his feet hardly touching the ground. Jasper goes right after him, but Edward is fast, really fast, and Jasper has trouble catching up. Oddly – this helps because Jasper focuses on the run instead of his grim thoughts, and he smiles, wondering if Edward really knows him better than he knows himself.

 

 

**12\. The Betrayal**

**  
**

In spite of Jasper's shame over his answer about feeding on animals, the next few weeks go surprisingly smoothly. They hunt, they race, spend peaceful nights together, they even have sex. And each time it happens it leaves Jasper in an awe that  _this_  could be so good. Jasper should be happy, but he feels as if there's something underneath it all that prevents him from letting go and enjoying their time together. Either it's Jasper's inability to feel happiness, or it is something much bigger – some set of outside obstacles, or wicked forces that plot against him.

The first time Edward disappears for longer than a day, Jasper realizes he's become addicted to his companion. Not only his presence, but also physically – to his touch, smell, the sound of Edward's voice. He  _needs_ Edward to go on. He's anxious when Edward is out of his sight.

That's when Jasper starts panicking that he must be suffocating Edward. He tries to analyze last few weeks, and he comes to the conclusion he's been following Edward around. That even in the small space of the cabin he's been seeking Edward's presence, and he's been trying to keep the physical connection between them by means of small touches – like sitting so close that their arms would brush together, or placing his feet so his toes would touch Edward's calves.

 _God, he must feel so trapped, so wrapped up in me,_ Jasper thinks in horror, because if he adds to this Edward's ability to sit in Jasper's head all the time it's no wonder Edward keeps going on hunts, or hikes by himself. _He just needs more space,_  Jasper concludes, nods, and promises himself that he'll try to keep away from Edward as much as he can to give the boy some needed peace of mind. He hopes that maybe in this way Edward won't be fed up with him too quickly.

So he avoids Edward, and somehow they miss each other a lot – when Jasper comes back to the cabin Edward's usually out, and when Edward reappears Jasper sets off immediately under the false pretense of a needed hunt.

But then Edward's absences become lengthier. He's gone for days and days. He comes back smelling of people, human food and cigarette smoke.

"You've started smoking now?" Jasper asks him one time, surprised and aggravated.

"Yeah, I didn't know it was possible, you know? But it's not like it can kill me now." Edward chuckles. "You should try it!"

"I did. I hated it," Jasper says and turns to leave as usual.

"Jasper, please, don't go just yet." Edward grasps Jasper's wrist. "I've missed you," he says and is so close that Jasper forgets why he ever wanted to leave.

Edward kisses him and an 'umph' escapes Jasper's mouth because he's missed Edward too. So fucking much. He can't contain himself now as he grips Edward's hips and pulls him hard toward himself. They both moan into the kiss and bury their hands in each other's hair – tugging, pulling, trying to get closer.

Jasper pushes Edward to the ground, and for a minute they fumble with their clothes. Then Jasper grips their cocks together firmly and thrusts his hips forward, while Edward's hand snakes between their bodies to rest on Jasper's fist. This is so quick, so urgent, so rough. They don't stop kissing, but they're messy, too – their tongues are pushing on each other without any rhythm, their teeth are clicking and only hushed grunts are coming from them. They keep devouring each other's mouths even long after they've come and are lying sticky and wet on the ground, Jasper cloaking Edward with his body.

But the reason Jasper doesn't stand up is also because he doesn't know what to do with himself. He should be used to it by now. They've done this so many times that he shouldn't be shy or awkward when he finally gets up to get dressed. He wishes everything could be as easy as it was during those few magical weeks they spent in the cabin at the beginning here. But that time has ended, and Jasper knows there's no going back.

"***"

Then one day Edward comes back smelling of a girl. Jasper just looks at him, stands up and runs into the woods. He doesn't want to see Edward right now, no matter what Edward did, or didn't do. He sits on a fallen tree, noticing how different the woods here are in comparison to Washington's area.

He doesn't know what to think about the girl's smell; he doesn't  _want_  to think about it. It's not like they're exclusive to each other, they aren't  _mates_ , not really. Jasper wasn't sure about it, but the more he considers it the more it becomes obvious to him that they aren't. He should feel it, right? He should've been struck with the feeling 'I'll follow you to the end of the world and back', just like he felt for the funny looking, energetic girl so many years ago. But even so, he can't deny there's something between him and Edward that goes way beyond friendship, that glues them together, that doesn't allow him to breathe properly whenever Edward's not around. But Jasper believes he has to hide this as much as he can from Edward to not scare him off.

He doesn't dare confront Edward about the girl. For one, he thinks he doesn't have the right to do so, but more importantly - he's too scared of Edward's possible answer, and the repercussions that may follow the question. Deep down in his heart he knows Edward will leave him some day, but he's not yet ready for this, not yet. So instead he tries to tame all the feelings and thoughts of betrayal, along with his possessiveness and insecurities. After all Edward did come back to him, right? He could've stayed with that girl, but he didn't. This has to mean something.

Jasper snarls angrily at himself and the weeping girl he's become.

When he finally calms down enough to come back, Edward's clearly waiting for him, looking sheepish. And just like that Jasper lets the subject go, leaving it for later, for when he's alone and can muse over it in peace.

"***"

But when Edward doesn't make an appearance for more than a month – and yes, Jasper did count the time, day by day, with each short sunrise and through the long nights – he loses it.

"Where have you been?" Jasper demands, livid, as he approaches Edward and stands so close their noses are almost touching. "Where the  _fuck_  have you been?" he repeats through clenched teeth.

"What's it to you, Jasper? You hide from me anyway, all the fucking time," Edward snaps, letting the anger spread through his body, too.

"I hide so you'll have a minute for yourself. So you won't hear me all the time. But I don't disappear for a… for whatever you did. I thought…" he trails off, embarrassed and terrified of what he's unleashed.

Edward reaches out for him with his hand, but Jasper just shrugs it off.

"I've been… researching," Edward says after a minute of silence.

"Researching?"

"I go to towns. Well, to settlements or whatever they are, but to bigger ones, like Inuvik, too."

"But what for?" Jasper slowly loses his patience for Edward's half-answers.

"I listen to people; I try to talk to them. I want to know if I can live among them. I've been also googling things… you know, trying to see, to find some others like us."

"For a month…" It isn't a question. Jasper wants to shout and cry, and beat Edward up, but he just stands there, shaking a little from the anger.

"I'm sorry. I… uh, thought you wouldn't even notice – like you always don't notice the time passing by."

They stand motionless and silent for a while during which Jasper tries hard to not think about anything specific.

 _So_ , he finally asks in his head, which means he's calmed down enough to get back to their strange way of communicating, one silent and one speaking aloud,  _Did you find it? Whatever you were looking for?_

"Yes, I think so. I want you to go with me and check it out. This family you once told me about exists, or at least I believe they exist. And ironically enough, I think they live not far away from Seattle."

Jasper tries to chuckle, but it comes out almost like a cough.

 _So, you're going. You're leaving me then,_  he states.

"What? Why?"

_I don't want to find them. It was never something I wanted to do._

"So what do you want, Jasper? You prefer to stay here, where night and day don't even stand out from one another that much, in all this snow and cold, and in this stinky little cabin?" Edward asks, moving around Jasper in angry circles, and running his hands through his hair.

"I like it here," Jasper shouts, and then adds, more gently, "I like it with you here, where no one disturbs us, where I can get by on animals, where's peace for me, for us."

"But don't you see? This thing we do here? It's not a life – it's just existing! This is just waiting, and I don't even know what we're waiting for? I want a life, Jasper. I want to have a real place to live, I want to be able to talk to people, I want to go back to studying, to work. I want to have fresh clothes, a car, a fucking TV with some games to play, I want a laptop with internet access. And above all I want a hot shower if I feel like washing myself."

Jasper can't believe it. He's never seen Edward as shallow.

"So, basically, you're saying you want  _things_. Really Edward? Because when you first came to my place you sure didn't care about things!" he exclaims, disappointed.

"It's not only the things!" Edward throws his hands in the air in frustration. "Hear what I'm saying. I want life! I want to go back to  _living_. I gave up on it once, but not anymore. You gave me my life back, and I want to make a good use of it."

 _It's because I'm not enough for you_ , Jasper thinks without saying it aloud. It feels like a whiny thing to say. But Edward looks at him with a flicker of something in his eyes that Jasper doesn't want to see.

"Why can't you go with me?" Edward asks softly. "Give me one good reason."

 _Because I'm not enough for you, and you'll leave me the first time you set your eyes on someone better,_ Jasper thinks, and shouts to cover it up, "Because I don't want to! I'm no good around people. I can hunt them, I can lure them in, I can make them come hard, but I can't pretend to be human. Too much time has passed. I've no knowledge of this world anymore, and I don't want to have it. Fuck, I wouldn't even know how to turn on a laptop, never mind use it. I don't want this."

"So you want me to stay here with you, and call me selfish if I don't want to, but you can be selfish enough to not follow me?" Edward shrugs.

"You don't understand," Jasper says sadly. "I can't go back. There is nothing for me out there."  _Not even you,_  he thinks.  _Not when you're gone._

"Not even me?" Edward raises his eyebrow, challenging Jasper.

"No." This is all Jasper has to say.

"So this is it. We've nothing more to say to each other then," Edward concludes bitterly. He turns to leave, but hesitates. "I'm sorry," he says quietly. "I'll come back for you, once I've found others like us."

Jasper wants to tell Edward to not bother, but he stops himself. Because deep down he knows he wants Edward back, that – in spite of what he says and thinks – he's not ready to give up hope yet.

Maybe this is why he allows what comes next. He lets Edward fumble with his pants and fist his dick, stroking it a few times. Jasper feels a little detached, like he's observing it all as a witness – Edward taking off his own jeans quickly, straddling him, putting his hand on Jasper's chest while he holds Jasper's erect cock in his hand before lowering himself onto it.

Even though it's Edward who's taking Jasper inside him, Jasper feels like he's being ripped apart. He's sure his chest is going to explode; the pain is unbearable.

 _It hurts,_  Jasper says in his mind.

"I know. I'm sorry," Edward says and kisses him – on the lips, eyelids, neck. "I'm so sorry, Jasper."

Jasper turns his head to avoid the kisses, unable to look at Edward. He focuses his gaze somewhere far away on a funny looking tree. He tries to concentrate on the physical pleasure and the connection of their bodies, but he can't. Slowly, bitter anger starts clouding his mind, and Jasper thinks that anything is better than the feeling of his body falling into pieces. He looks up to see Edward over him – focused, worried, gentle, full of feelings that they've never even tried to name. Jasper can't take these feelings, this look on Edward's face, it shouldn't be there. He grips Edward's hands and flips them over, pinning Edward to the wet ground with his body.

 _This can't be over;_  he disagrees in his head even though he knows it is.  _This can't be over._  He repeats with each angry thrust of his hips. Even during their most frenzied fucks he hasn't pushed into Edward as hard as he's doing now. The earth beneath them gives, and they're covered with dirt and moss.

"Jasper," Edward says gently. "Jasper…"

Jasper halts and looks at Edward again, realizing he's had his eyes shut all the time. He also realizes that the pain is still there, it hasn't subsided with the movements of their bodies.

"Jasper, baby," Edward repeats, holding Jasper's face in his hands, and Jasper holds his breath at the endearment because it's the first time Edward has ever used it. "Please, calm down. I'm not… dying. I'm just going away for a while. I'll come back to you, I promise."

Jasper nods in Edward's hands, but he knows better. This is the end for them, and there will be no coming back. They're not mates, and they never have been. They just happened to meet each other along the way. Edward's lack of response to his thoughts only confirms it.

Edward holds him tighter, and Jasper resumes the movement, but slowly this time, trying to get as much as he can from this, trying to show Edward that he kind of understands him, that although he doesn't forgive him - not yet - he will one day. But the pain is getting worse, and Jasper hides his face in Edward's neck, trying not to sob, because there is nothing more miserable than a weeping, tearless vampire. He comes soon, and glances down their bodies, noticing that Edward isn't even hard anymore. He feels sick and selfish, like he's used Edward to get off, not offering anything in return.

"Stop this," Edward murmurs in his ear, stroking Jasper's hair. They lay like this until the first foggy rays of sun begin to warm them.

"I have to go," Edward says, gently pushing Jasper off him. Jasper slowly stands up, walks few steps and sits down by the cabin, leaning against the wall. He's not sure he'd be able to stand straight and watch Edward running away. Edward approaches him and leans down to kiss him on the cheek. Jasper closes his eyes, relishing this last touch, trying hard not to think about anything now, not to let Edward know how much it affects him. He hears once more, "I'll come back for you," and Edward's gone before Jasper opens his eyes again.

If Jasper thought he was in pain before, now he's literally dying. He's suffocating, he's convinced his ribcage must have collapsed, and the broken bones are preventing him from breathing. It doesn't matter he doesn't really need air. Sitting up appears to be impossible task, and Jasper slowly sinks to the ground, face down, with his legs curled underneath him. He wants to howl, or cry, but nothing comes out. He tries to use his gift to calm himself, but he's never been able to do it before, and he isn't capable of doing it now.

Darkness falls, but he's not able to tell if it's still the same day. He's so defeated, like he's lost a battle. He feels tired, old and used up. Then something shifts in him, and suddenly he stops feeling anything at all. It's so much better than the pain he was in. Even if it means that his life as the Jasper he was is over for him.

 

**13.** **The Dream**

Jasper's not sure how long he's been lying on the ground. He's only half aware of strange sounds and shadows passing by. He's sure he heard some voices around him, but each time he tried to locate the source the voices vanished. He supposes he's eaten something, or someone, because he doesn't feel hungry, at least not that much. When morning sun lights up the surroundings he sometimes opens his eyes and observes his fingers, wondering how it's possible for snow to melt on them.

A man appears one day. He kneels next to Jasper, asking him something. It takes ages before Jasper finally focuses enough to understand that the man is asking him whether he's all right.

"No," Jasper mumbles. And then, "yes. Leave me alone."

The man says something more, nudging Jasper's arm, and the vampire once again concentrates on the man's face, trying to decipher what he might want from him. The guy is old; he's got a round face and slanting eyes, and his teeth are stained from cigarette smoke. He nudges Jasper once again, still talking in a strange mix of English, French and some other melodic language Jasper doesn't know.

Jasper wants to growl at him, but it comes up faint and not scary. The man smiles and starts saying something about a cabin.  _What cabin?_ Jasper thinks and then asks aloud, "Cabin?"

"Yes." The man smiles broadly, showing more of his darkened teeth, and making his face even more wrinkled. He looks familiar, nice, like a grandpa Jasper would love to have. "The cabin. Thank you for keeping it clean and in order. It was you, right?" The way the man pronounces the words make them sound funny, almost not understandable.

"Not me. It was Edward," Jasper replies, wondering why it is so hard to say Edward's name.

"Your friend, huh? Where is he?" the old man asks, looking around.

"Gone." Jasper doesn't want to talk anymore. He feels like he's being ripped out of his slumber into the world of pain again, and he hates the idea. "Leave me alone," he pleads. He notices the sweet scent of the man's blood and realizes that he's probably not fed in long weeks. It doesn't bode well for the man. "Go away," Jasper adds, holding his breath.

The man scrutinizes Jasper, looking him up and down, and nods. Then he pokes Jasper's bare arm with his finger.

"You're not human," he states. Jasper doesn't answer because he's not sure what he could say to this. It's pretty obvious. He's lying half naked in the snow, frozen, not breathing, yet he's not dead either.

"Well," the man says, standing up, "if you need anything come by my place, petit  _tupilaq_. I've got hot tea and moonshine." He laughs a warm, scruffy laugh, and claps his thighs with his palms. Then he turns around, taking the bag he must have put down next to Jasper, and goes away whistling.

For a while Jasper fights the urge to chase the man, to sink his teeth in the flesh, feel the blissful taste of warm human blood. He turns around, burying his face in the mud, biting the soil. He shuts his eyes and focuses on forgetting the summoning  _thud, thud_  of the man's heart, and the delicious swoosh of blood in his veins.

When the man finally disappears from sight, and his scent is not so excruciating, Jasper slowly starts getting up. He sits on the ground, blinking and wondering where the hell most of the snow has gone.

"***"

Jasper finds hunting animals easy. They're faster than humans, but they follow familiar patterns of behavior, and Jasper likes it. When he's fed he deliberates what he should do next. He wanders around the wood for a while, astonished by how unfamiliar it looks without all the snow. Everything is green and fresh; the air smells of moist leaves and grass. He doesn't notice he's walked in a circle until he spots the cabin. The door is open and Jasper can see the man going in and out, moving some stuff to hang on a wooden construction in front of the shack.

"Ah, you!" the man shouts. When Jasper approaches reluctantly the man smiles and extends his hand. "I'm Mat. I see you've eaten." He laughs and seems to be unaffected by Jasper not going for a handshake. He slaps his thighs again. "So, you up for fishing? I'm gonna go in a minute. Best season for 'em."

Jasper shrugs and follows the man, enjoying the splashing of wet moss under his bare feet. The hike is slow, the man huffing and stopping every once in a while to take a deep breath.

They reach the river which is much broader now, and the current is fast. "Can you hold this for me,  _tupilaq_?" Mat passes a fishing rod to Jasper who examines it with awe. It's an old rod but has some new appliances added to it, and a glistening little fly attached to the hook. Mat places some other stuff on the ground, makes a seat for himself and prepares for fishing, whistling the whole time.

"I don't have permission to fish in here, you know?" He laughs his scruffy laugh. "But you won't report me, will ya? Huh?"

Jasper shakes his head and passes the rod back to Mat. For a moment he watches the picturesque way in which the line swings and the fly dips in the water. It glistens in the sun and Jasper's perfect sight enables him to see the shadows of fish swimming in the icy water. When the third fish falls off the hook before being taken ashore Jasper loses his patience, dives in the river and within seconds throws a big char under the man's feet.

Mat starts laughing and punches Jasper on the back. "Thanks,  _tupilaq_. But tell me, where's the fun in that?"

"I thought…" Jasper tries to explain himself, but before he can proceed the man pats him on the back again.

"Now, go catch me another one!"

And Jasper complies, washing a bit of dirt off him on the way.

When they come back to the cabin Jasper doesn't want to enter. He can't bear the sight of it without Edward there. He sits on the ground, glad that Mat's not insisting that he goes inside, nor trying to make him eat the meal.

"***"

During the next few weeks Jasper follows Mat around, helping him with small chores, all the time wondering if Mat's even real, if he isn't just one more shadow, or a ghost, or simply a product of Jasper's imagination. Mat doesn't pose uncomfortable questions; he accepts Jasper's presence as a given and isn't too shy to ask for favors. He seems grateful for Jasper's help even if Jasper goes to pick up wood and vanishes for long hours, getting lost on the way while contemplating the swirls on the water, or sparkles on his skin. Mat shouts for Jasper to hurry up before the night falls, only to laugh, because the night is non-existent during this time of the year.

The midnight sun disorients Jasper totally, messing with his head – he's not sure if time is passing at all, or are they just repeating the same day over and over in some vicious loop. The strange pattern of Mat's sleep – in small naps here and there – adds to the miscalculation. Once again, only Jasper's hunger indicates that the world is actually moving forward.

But then the days become shorter again, and Jasper finds himself arguing with the night shadows and voices, and even talking to his prey. Sometimes he answers Mat's questions days after the man has asked them, startling the old guy. Other times he talks to Mat, only to realize he's not around anymore.

Mat disappears with the first snow storms – leaving Jasper in a full-blown panic attack. Jasper can't recall Mat's farewell, so he searches for the old man everywhere for days – in the forest, under the thin ice on the river, and even along the closed roads. He's too scared to go inside the cabin – somehow during the searching he convinces himself that he must've killed Mat and that his body must be still in the shack – frozen and lifeless.

 _Or maybe Mat was one of the ghosts?_  Jasper wonders, turning around, trying to see past the darkness. The sounds of the forest terrify him, so he spends long nights curled up behind the pile of wood next to the cabin, pretending he's somewhere else. He's afraid to even stick his finger out, sure it'll get sucked into darkness, captured by the monsters. He doesn't shut his eyes for even a second, focused on protecting the remains of his soul.

"***"

This is how Edward finds him. Jasper feels petrified – he doesn't dare to move when he spots Edward, convinced that it's ghosts playing tricks on him, showing him what he longs to see.

"Jasper?" Edward crouches next to him, placing a surprisingly warm hand on his knee.

He looks beautiful, Jasper thinks – well fed, well dressed, almost glowing with confidence, he's clearly being taken care of.

"Jasper, why aren't you inside?" Edward asks.

Jasper panics, not knowing how to answer, how to tell Edward that he doesn't want to see Mat's corpse inside.

"What corpse?" Edward looks at Jasper, clearly worried.

"Uh, the owner's, I guess?" Jasper answers, aloud this time. He stands up to hide behind Edward's back while Edward opens the door.

Edward goes in, and comes back out immediately.

"Jasper, there's no one inside, not even a fresh smell of anyone."

Jasper lets out a shuddering breath – he's not sure if this is good or bad. Now he's even more paranoid that he must have imagined the man. But at least he hasn't killed him, or he hasn't killed him here. And that's something, right?  _But what if Mat was some kind of a daemon after all?_  Jasper thinks and starts trembling again. He looks around, as if ghosts are already crowding round to get to him. He jumps when he feels a hand closing on his wrist.

"Are you okay?" Edward asks.

"Yes, yes," Jasper responds quickly, sitting down on a chair. "Why are you here?"

"I promised you I'd come back, right?" Edward smiles. He's buzzing with energy, like a man on a mission.

Jasper has to admit that against his better judgment he  _was_  waiting for Edward all this time. It's almost like he can finally take a breath, now, when Edward's finally here. But before Jasper can even let a bit of hope light up in his chest, before he can start deluding himself that Edward's come back to him at last, Edward spoils it all.

"I want you to come back with me to the Cullens," he says seriously, still watching Jasper intently.

"No," Jasper says without consideration.

"Jasper, please. Let me explain at least," Edward continues calmly. "I found them almost immediately. They weren't living far from Seattle. There are four of them – Carlisle, who's like a father, his wife Esme and two younger ones – Rosalie and Emmett."

"A perfect American family…" Jasper says mockingly.

"Far from that." Edward chuckles. "But yes – they  _are_  a family. A real one, Jasper. You'd love it there. You'd bathe in all the warm, gentle feelings there. They're full of love and commitment. I'm already treated as their son, and you'd be seen like one, too."

"I bet." Jasper grinds his teeth to prevent him from saying anything more.

"And there is this girl whose thoughts I can't hear!" Edward says, enthusiastically.

"Of course there is a girl," Jasper huffs, so annoyed that he could kill Edward right now.

"It's not what you think…" Edward starts explaining, but Jasper doesn't let him finish.

"So what do you want from me?" Jasper's trembling now, clenching and unclenching his fists to stop himself from giving into the blinding rage he feels. "A fucking blessing? What do you take me for, Edward? I'm not your father to give you one! And how exactly do you picture your life there, huh? A white fence, a house and two point five kids? Are you fucking out of your mind?"

"No. It was always your dream, Jasper, not mine," Edward says, surprisingly quietly and gently.

Jasper doesn't comment on that. Instead he tries to get the emotions coming from Edward, but they are oddly unclear. There's sorrow there, anger, and regret, all mixed with a lot of longing and warm feelings that Jasper doesn't want to acknowledge. But underneath it all Jasper can detect pity. And  _that_  he cannot take. He won't let Edward pity him – not now and not ever.

Edward reaches for Jasper's hand, but he pulls it right out of Edward's grip like it's on fire.

"Don't you dare," he hisses.

"Jasper…" Edward begins again, but trails off, because he's already picked up the answer from Jasper's brain.

_I don't want any of this. And I don't want you._

"Jasper, please, please, just think about it. Okay? Please? If you ever change your mind, search for the Cullens, or Hales, or McCartys. I'll leave a note for you every time we move, okay?"

"Don't bother," Jasper answers, wanting nothing else now but for Edward to finally go away – to go back to his little perfect family, and perfect life, and perfect silent girl he's found.

So Edward just says, "I'm sorry," and turns to leave while Jasper tries hard to not fall apart right then and there as he watches Edward's retreating form.

Jasper stands motionless, gathering whatever strength he has left in him, and slowly unclenches his fists. He takes a deep intake of breath, and another one, and another, until he's sure he's able to see and move. He starts running, as fast as he can to reach the sea.

The finality of the farewell makes him want to weep. He's been waiting for Edward, he must admit it, but it's all done now. It feels to him like the end of the world. The thing between him and Edward was as close to love as he would ever get and he can't get over it so easily. So he runs like his whole life depends on it.

He feels he's being chased – shadows and voices make him shiver. He keeps looking around anxiously and each change of light makes him jump. He's afraid of the beasts of the north. The plains of white don't provide any shelter. So he crushes the ice, hitting it with his fists, digging a hole in it, until he gets to the water. He punches and hits the ice frantically to make it wide enough for him to squeeze through. When he dives in, he believes that he did it just in time, that he's escaped by only inches and he swears he can hear an angry howl above his head.

He's surprised that the water here is much warmer than he'd thought. He dives deeper and deeper till he reaches the bottom. He lies there, his body heavy – with his hands on the ground, palms down. He shuts his eyes and allows the slow movement of the waves over him to lull him into a non-existent state. There's no day or night here – only water and the thick ice above it.

Time passes, and Jasper assumes it must have been days or weeks or maybe months even since he's dived in here because he feels his hunger growing and growing – reaching the point when it's unbearable – and then changing into a dull ache inside his body, once he decides he doesn't really care about feeding anymore.

His turmoil slowly goes away as the waves calm him, and Jasper finally lets go and invites the peace inside him. He allows his mind to go to places that will never be, as he rewrites his life in a different universe.

"***"

_Sun shines high up in the sky and all colors lose their saturation, like in overdeveloped film. Jasper inhalesthe scent of grass and runs his hand over the green edgy leaves._

" _Jasper, dinner!" He hears from the house and smiles at the thought of it. He walks toward a small, white house, up three front steps and enters the house, hearing the rattling of plates and forks. He stands in the kitchen doorway, leaning against the wall and taking in the sight of it all. The table with dinner on it, his four year old son trying to dig his fork into a piece of meat that keeps sliding down his plate._

" _Look, Daddy, look, it runs away!" The boy giggles._

" _So I see," Jasper says, stepping behind his wife to hug her. He wraps his arms around her tiny frame and places them on her pregnant belly. He kisses her neck, relishing the most gorgeous scent on earth._

" _Hi, Baby," he murmurs in her ear._

" _Hi, Baby," she says and turns around to kiss him. He looks in her eyes and smiles at her, kissing her again on her soft lips, holding her face gently in his hands. He threads his fingers into her short dark hair which sticks out, as usual, in every direction possible, trying to tame it a bit and putting it behind her ears._

" _Come on, let's eat, while it's still warm," she says trying to break free. But Jasper doesn't let her go. He stands with her in his arms and tries to remember this feeling forever - the smell of the air around him, the hissing of the kettle on the stove, the sound of the wind in the grass outside, the chirping of the crickets, and the feeling of Alice's soft hair around his fingers._

Deep down on the bottom of the sea Jasper smiles and replays the whole story again in his mind.

 

**END OF PART 2**


	3. PART 3 of Under the Waves

**14\. The Awakening**

**  
**

It may have been weeks, or months… or years even, Jasper isn't able to tell.

It starts with an annoying, nudging feeling that something about his life isn't right. The images of hot Texan fields seem to be fitting, and the scene with his wife and son is familiar, but underneath it all there is a false note Jasper can't grasp just yet. Then, slowly, the images become more and more distorted, and Jasper shudders when he finds out his whole life is being played in a loop.

 _This isn't real. This isn't happening,_ he realizes and tries hard to come back to the soothing fantasy, willing it to be real, bending his mind to open its shelter for him once more. He almost succeeds, yet each time he places his hands on soft hips of his wife they change into narrow, firm, bony ones. Each time he buries his face in her soft short hair its dark color changes into copper.

Finally Jasper can't take it anymore. His fingers twitch anxiously and his eyes snap open. In a brief moment of fright he inhales a large amount of water, and then tries to spit it out which appears to be impossible. His body doesn't work properly – his feet buried in the slime don't listen to Jasper's commands when he wills them to move. He can't get up, so he rolls onto his stomach instead, and tries pushing himself up on hands and knees. He feels the weight of water on him, pressing him to the ground, not letting him go. He needs to shake it off, he wants to be freed. He tilts his head up, looking in the direction of the surface, aiming his movements towards it.

Swimming is difficult – the water seems dense and Jasper has trouble pushing through it. When he finally reaches the thick ice cover he hits it, trying to break a path through, but his attempts appear to be too weak. He scratches the ice with his fingernails, pressing his face into it as if trying to get the last bubble of air, or the last ray of light underneath it. He starts panicking a little bit, even though he knows he can't suffocate. But he feels trapped anyway, he desperately wants to go out into the sun. Slowly, patting the ice with his hands, he starts moving underneath it in search of a thinner patch.

It takes him ages – he thinks about giving up and going back to where he was. He even can visualize his body drifting slowly to the bottom, his arms and legs dissolving finally in the water as he becomes just another part of the sea. But finally he sees it – a sunny spot where the ice is so thin it almost floats on the water. He pushes on it and the cover cracks under his weak touch. His fingers crush it like frosting on a cake and finally the hole is big enough for him to press his head and shoulders through.

He coughs and spits out the water, holding firmly to the brink of ice. He tries climbing onto the ice, but it breaks underneath his weight and each time he lands back in the water. It takes his last bits of energy to finally hook his fingers in the ice and pull himself up on it, crawling until the ice cover is thick enough to hold his body. With a shuddered breath he collapses on his back, staring straight into the bright sun above his head. Everything is white here, even the sky and the light. For a long while he just lies there, happy to be breathing the air again, to be able to see. Slowly his other senses start working and he hears the whistle of the wind and feels how cold the ice is under his fingers. He also starts to feel the pain – it grows and grows, starting within his stomach and then grasping his whole body, twisting his limbs and crushing his skull. He thinks that maybe he's dying, but then he catches some movement far away on the ice and venom flows his mouth which makes him realize it's  _hunger_. He's never been so famished in his life. He wonders how much time he went without feeding.

He's never felt so weak in his vampire life. His limbs are almost shaking with effort when he pulls himself up, lunging for the animal, finding out it's a large polar bear. The bear puts up quite a fight – maybe because Jasper's so exhausted right now, or maybe because – just like the vampire – the bear is a warrior. There is nothing which can be compared to the feeling when Jasper finally sinks his teeth in the animal's veins. Its blood is pure and warm - it's like Jasper is sucking out the life itself. He's not sure, but he's probably emitting some very embarrassing grunts and gulps; he might have even sobbed a little. But who cares? There is no one here to hear it – just Jasper, the dying bear and all the melting ice around them.

The bear's fur is torn and bloodied, but it feels nice and warm underneath Jasper's hands. He threads his fingers in it while the warmth spreads through him, waking up his muscles, buzzing in him, making his breathing hitch. When the burning in his throat subsides, and his energy is more or less restored, he finally stands up and looks around. The ice cover here is still thick, but there's no doubt the winter's over. Jasper breaths in the fresh air, the distant smell of the woods making his chest ache for some reason. He sighs and starts walking towards it.

"***"

When he enters the cabin area he can immediately tell someone's around.

"Little  _tupilaq_!" He hears and sees a man waving to him from the cabin's door.

Jasper smiles. "So you weren't a ghost," he says quietly, too quietly for the man to hear.

"I was wondering if you were still around!" the man exclaims, smiling. He looks so much older, like it's been ages since Jasper last saw him. His shoulders are slumped, his breathing is more shallow and he moves much, much more slowly.

"How long has it been?" Jasper asks instead of greeting the man.

"I'm not sure, what are you asking,  _tupilaq_ , but for me it's been a long winter." Mat coughs a little. "As they say – being old is no fun." He laughs and for a moment Jasper has a déjà vu feeling; it's like the time has stopped and he's forever caught up in here and now – with Mat laughing and clapping his thighs and Jasper staring at him. But then everything that has passed since the last time Jasper saw Mat catches up with Jasper and suddenly he feels like he's falling, or maybe collapsing into himself, as if some inner force is sucking him inside.

Mat must see something because he approaches Jasper, pats him on the back and says, "Come inside boy, I'll give you some coffee. You look like you need to warm up." He examines Jasper more and adds, "And clean up, too. Have you been fighting with a bear?"

Jasper opens his eyes wide, but sees Mat is only joking. So he just nods and murmurs, "Something like that, yes."

Mat is rattling around the cabin while Jasper is assessing the changes which have been made since the last time he was here. He's surprised to see that almost everything is exactly where it was before. Even his shoes are standing against the wall. He sits by the table and Mat presses a mug containing black liquid into his hands. Jasper enjoys the smell of it – it doesn't smell like something he would drink, obviously, but it's homely somehow. And he loves the feeling of hot surface on his palms when he closes his fingers around the mug.

"You never told me your name the last time you were here," Mat observes.

"It's Jasper."

"Like the stone? Cold and shiny? I guess it fits!" Mat laughs more, and Jasper looks at him surprised. And then he can't contain himself and he joins in with the laughter.

"I guess it does." He shrugs, but he's still grinning.

"Let me find you some soap and clothes, ah? Not sure about the pants, but a shirt… Yes. And socks… Here you go!" Mat is moving slowly around the cabin, completing the outfit for Jasper.

It feels nice – being cared of like this – and Jasper smiles and thanks Mat, before heading to the river to wash himself.

"***"

The summer with Mat is pretty much the same as the last time. Jasper follows Mat around, helping him with everything – from fishing to washing their clothes. They talk a little, but Mat never pushes Jasper to say more than he wants to.

In many ways it feels like purgatory for Jasper. His emotions are in a strange suspension. He's not unhappy, but he can't say he's happy either. He's  _waiting_ , although he can't say what he's waiting for. The sensation itself isn't exactly unpleasant but he doesn't feel like himself anymore. He glides over the surface of his own feelings, not getting lost in depression again, but at the same time unable to fully cherish the easy time he's having.

As the nights begin to get darker again, the shadows grow longer and Jasper starts feeling uneasy. He can't stop himself from glancing around, over his shoulder. He doesn't like to leave the safe space of the cabin after dusk.

"Do you believe in ghosts?" he asks Mat one day, instantly feeling very stupid.

"Nothing to  _believe_  in, Jasper. Ghosts just are here with us. Some people just don't look hard enough to see them," Mat says very seriously. "There are a lot of them around you, you know?" Mat adds, making Jasper shiver. "I don't think you should stay here for the winter. Ghosts are not bad creatures, but they are just like people – some of them are well-wishing while others are cruel and selfish." Then Matt repeats, "You shouldn't stay here, little  _tupilaq_. Come back to town with me. I'm not getting any younger, all my children are too far away to help me out, and I need someone to take care of my house."

Jasper doesn't respond to that. But when the time comes and Mat's friend from the town arrives to pick him up in his big, funny looking truck, Jasper loads Mat's stuff and then climbs inside, too.

"This is, Jasper," Mat introduces him. "He's been helping me during the summer and is coming back with me. And this is Harvey."

The drive is long; the truck is jumping around and emits all kinds of cracking and screeching sounds. Mat dozes off, snoring loudly.

"What do you do, Jasper?" Harvey asks. He's been casting suspicious glances at Jasper for a long time now, scrutinizing him with his pale-blue eyes and chewing at his long mustache.

"What do you mean?" Jasper is cautious, for some reason he thinks it's important that Harvey accepts him.

"For a living. What were you doing before you came here?"

"I, uh… I used to be a soldier," Jasper answers, feeling like he should at least try to tell a bit of the truth.

"A soldier? You do stand like one." Harvey nods. "Where?"

Jasper can't answer this question honestly. There is no way he can go with the 'civil war' and he's not sure where are some fights in the world right now. So he decides to omit it with, "I'm from Texas. But I'm not doing it anymore."

"Why have you quit?"

Once again Jasper decides to go with the half-answer. "I couldn't stand killing people."

Harvey looks at him again and there's new respect in his eyes, like Jasper's passed some kind of a test. But he still looks suspiciously at Jasper's eyes, so Jasper tries to use an explanation that Edward told him would work.

"It's genetic," he says.

"Huh?" Harvey pretends he hasn't been caught staring at Jasper.

"The eye color. It's a genetic fault," Jasper explains, not so sure anymore if telling him this was such a good idea.

"Oh well, we all have some, don't we?" Harvey chuckles nervously, and then adds, more sincerely, "It's good Mat'll have someone to help him. He was sick a lot last winter. Heart problems, you know? Old is no fun."

"That's what he says," Jasper agrees.

"You know anything about construction?"

"House building?" Jasper did some in his human life, but that was so long ago he can't be sure that he remembers anything. "Not really. But I could learn. I can do anything which requires physical strength." He smiles to himself.

"Good. Come by my office then, once you're settled with Mat. I'll find you something to do."

And Jasper smiles more, because for the first time ever, someone has offered him a job.

"***"

Mat's house is small – actually it's a size of a big caravan – with two tiny bedrooms, and a living room adjoining a kitchen. But there is a good heating system, a comfortable, flowery couch and a bathroom with hot water. This is the most luxurious place Jasper's ever lived in. He wonders what a human would do after coming back home and he offers to make Mat some tea. Mat just nods absently, moving around the place and unpacking. When he's done he comes back to the kitchen to observe Jasper's doings.

Jasper is actually quite smug about what he's done. He hasn't forgotten a single thing as he pours some hot water from the kettle into the mug with tea leaves inside.

"You know,  _tupilaq_ , if you want to pass as human we need to work on the basics a little," Mat observes. "The 'genetic flaw' excuse won't explain everything." He motions to Jasper and laughs, coughing as usual.

Jasper's face fells. "What did I do wrong?"

"It's hot. You can't just grab an iron kettle like this – you need a rug or a glove."

Jasper shakes his head. "I'll never learn. I'm just not good at this." He's almost ready to give up again.

"Nah. You'll be fine." Mat pats Jasper on a shoulder. "You're more human than some humans I know. And you learn fast. Watch some TV and you'll catch up."

That is how Jasper finds out he loves TV. Mat has a satellite dish and there's always something on. And Jasper literally devours the programs – the old  _Friends_ ' episodes, the  _Mythbusters_ , all the news, the TV shopping, _Dr. House_ … He spends whole nights in front of the screen, unmoving, feeling warm and comfortable on the couch, with Mat's uneven snoring in the background.

Jasper quickly finds that living with Mat in the town is as easy as staying with him in the cabin. Mat is very self-sufficient and luckily for Jasper he doesn't lead a very sociable life. As to work… The first day is a nightmare. The only thing Jasper hears all day is 'Pass me this, will you? No, not  _that_. I asked for a…'

At the end of the day all Jasper wants is to rip all the humans around him into little pieces and stamp his feet on their bodies until they are smashed into the ground.

However, everything gets easier day by day, and by the time Christmas comes Jasper's so good at behaving like a human he's even able to do some small errands for Mat's neighbor, Maggie, or prepare Mat's coffee and eggs for breakfast. He's surprised to find out that the simple tasks please him and calm him down. The construction work has mostly stopped for the winter, but there's always something to do around the town, or some boxes to be moved from deliveries. And Jasper must admit he likes to work his shifts, moving effortlessly and quietly while doing his chores. People here keep their distance, and don't push him to interact much. It all feels like he's blended into the surroundings, and for the first time in his vampire life Jasper doesn't see himself as a misfitting piece of a puzzle.

Still, he's sick to his stomach from anxiety when Maggie invites him and Mat for Christmas dinner. He considers running away, but has no explanation for his absence.

Mat laughs as usual, ignoring Jasper's anxiety. "Oh, come on,  _tupilaq_. When did you last have a real Christmas dinner?"

Jasper's thoughts immediately go to the Christmas evening he spent with Edward – the smell of oranges, the way Edward lit up a bit when he saw the strange little feast Jasper had prepared, the way Edward's body radiated heat back then. He closes his eyes and wills himself to push those memories back into the abyss.  _Not now,_ he pleads.  _It's getting better. Not now._

He slowly follows Mat out of their place and reluctantly enters Maggie's house.

Surprisingly, it goes amazingly well. It's just like in one of Christmas movies Jasper's been watching lately. There's a table full of food, a large Christmas tree, people talking loudly all at once, and herds of kids running around. After a few hours of this gorgeous insanity Jasper escapes to a bathroom. He places his hands under the stream of cold water, willing his nerves to ease. The need to be constantly on guard wears him down, making it all feel surreal. Jasper's been doing quite well lately with keeping his dreams and reality separate, but he's not sure of anything today.

"Are you okay?" Maggie asks, standing in the bathroom doorway, and Jasper jumps, astonished, for he's not used to be sneaked up on.

"Yeah. Just a bit overwhelmed, I guess. It's been a long time since I last had a family Christmas. Thank you, Maggie." He smiles at her apologetically.

Maggie approaches him, pressing her hand to his cheek. She looks like she's just confirmed something.

"You're one of them, aren't you? The cold ones? The undead?" she asks looking straight into Jasper's eyes. Jasper doesn't answer. If he still had a heart working it would skip a beat right now.

"I'll leave now," he says quietly.

"Don't be silly!" Maggie squeezes his arm. "I'm just so glad it's not the poor quality of my cooking that's preventing you from eating. I was really worried! Come, we're about to exchange the gifts." Maggie smiles and heads out, leaving Jasper in total shock.

"I don't get you, people," he says aloud to no one, shaking his head and following Maggie to the dining room.

But once again he feels like he belongs, just a little – even after being recognized as what he is, he's still welcome here. Sure – he can feel Maggie's gaze on him, inspecting and cautious, each time he picks up one of the kids who bumps into him, but it's always followed with a smile and an encouraging nod. So Jasper laughs and

 

 

**15\. The Temptation**

 

Mat's heart stops in his sleep. Jasper's watching TV, as usual, when he hears a small, low gasp, and then there's silence. It's strange to not hear the uneven thumping, so Jasper gets up and walks into Mat's bedroom. He knows death when he sees it, and he knows there's nothing he can do, but he calls 911 anyway because that's the right thing to do.

Mat's usual doctor comes over, checks Mat's pulse and looks into his eyes with a small flashlight, then writes down the time of his death. It's as simple as that – no probing, no rush of paramedics, no defibrillating, like in the series that Jasper watches all the time. The doctor pats Jasper's shoulder sympathetically and says someone will come over in the morning to help him with the arrangements.

When the doctor's gone Jasper sits next to Mat and cries. He hasn't got any tears, but it doesn't make his crying any less real _. It's a human thing to do_ , Jasper thinks, grieving for this death he hasn't caused and for this man whom he saw as his friend.

Jasper doesn't wait for the morning to come. He packs his few belongings into Mat's worn knapsack and leaves most of the money he's earned on the kitchen table. Funerals are expensive, and he thinks he owes Mat at least this. When the dawn starts covering the earth with the first frosty grey light, Jasper looks around one last time, taking in the sight of the cluttered space. He sighs and leaves, shutting the door behind him carefully, and starts heading south.

At first the roads are empty – the region is still deep under the snow. But slowly, the asphalt becomes more visible and the passing cars more frequent. Jasper stops at a gas station and looks at a lonely truck parked on the side. He surprises himself when he goes to the truck, taps on the door and asks, "Hi, I was wondering if you could give me a lift?"

"Where to?" asks the driver, astonishing Jasper even more, because he doesn't even look closely at the vampire – he's just willing to help.

"South," Jasper answers. "I don't have any specific place I need to be in. Just south is good."

It's warm and dry in the cabin and Jasper enjoys the ride with the lazy sounds of late night radio shows and cracking of CB radio filtering through the night. After that he repeats the pattern – getting off one truck and finding another one at the next gas station. There are always woods around where he can hunt before he goes back on the road.

One of the gas stations has a 'Help wanted' sign on the window and Jasper learns that they're looking for someone to cover the night shift. The small town is as good as any other place in the world, so Jasper agrees to take the job, after filling out tons of forms with made up data about his age, place of birth and insurance number.

"Do you know a place I could stay?" he asks the gas station manager and is shown to a peculiar bed-and-breakfast where he rents a room with an adjoining bathroom. The sight of an old TV set makes him smile.

There isn't much to do during night shifts at the station. The customers are scarce and Jasper doesn't understand why there is even a need for him to be there. But he doesn't complain as he chats with random drivers, pouring them coffee and handing out hot dogs and chewing gum.

People are all the same to Jasper – smelling more or less enticing, wrapped in their human emotions and human errands. He doesn't notice them, ignoring the ever-changing flow of bodies with the stoicism of the immortal.

And it all goes well, until he notices a one deliciously smelling girl…

"I'm Annie," she says, extending her small hand to Jasper and pushing her long, dark hair out of her face with the other hand. Instantly Jasper is enveloped in the most delectable, mouth-watering scent he's ever smelled. It takes all he has in him to not jump on the girl right then and there. He wants to drink her blood and then roll on her body like dogs do to dead flesh to keep her smell on him for as long as possible.

"***"

On the fourth of July, when everyone gets crazy and loads of people will be on the road, Annie is due to help on Jasper's shift. He's not prepared to have the girl so close to him. Her smell is excruciating – pure, heady, fresh, so perfect, as if the girl has been made especially for Jasper. He can't concentrate on the register, messing up the receipts and forgetting to hand credit cards back, which has never happened before.

He's unable to avert his gaze from the girl's perfect cleavage – her flawless, pale skin, a bit flushed from the rush she's in. Small blue veins are visible under the thin layer of skin and Jasper wants nothing more than to just touch it, to press his fingers in it – push so hard until the skin would give and the small rivers of blood would flow under his fingertips. He'd taste and lick them before he sank his teeth deep in the veins. It would be just like on the commercials for chocolate soufflé – when the delicate surface of the crust crushes under the spoon and the liquid, hot inside, slowly trickles outside.

Annie must feel Jasper's eyes on her because she blushes furiously and plays with her hair, exposing her delicate neck even more to Jasper. He can't take it anymore. He closes his eyes and presses the heels of his hands into his temples.

"Are you okay?" Annie asks and even her breath is sweet and inviting.

"Yeah," Jasper manages to answer. "I just need a minute. I'll be right back."

He leaves the register and heads to the bathroom, trying to breathe deeply only through his mouth. He washes his face in cold water, as if it might help him cool down a bit.

Maybe he could do it, just this once? Just take this insignificant girl somewhere from here and be done with it? One slip wouldn't exactly mean that he's gone the wrong way again, would it? It would just be this one time, then he would go back to feeding on animals. No one would be harmed really and it's not like he hasn't done it before. It would be just  _once_ …

With this resolve Jasper's waiting for Annie after work, standing by the wall and nervously playing with a can opener which was lying on a coffee table. Annie walks out and sees him, and is a little startled.

"You haven't gone home yet?" she asks, roughing her hair again, and enveloping Jasper once more in her perfect smell.

"Can I walk you home?" Jasper inquires, ignoring Annie's question.

She looks at him with her brown eyes, which look like that chocolate soufflé Jasper was imagining earlier, and is clearly hesitating.

So Jasper eases her, using a bit of his powers, and it's working, my God, it's working so much better than Jasper wishes for. And soon enough the girl is laughing at Jasper's words, mesmerized by his amber eyes and dimpled smile.

They walk the small distance to Annie's house.

"Do you want to come inside?" she asks, sounding surprised like she's never suggested such a thing before.

From what Jasper can feel from her, she's a bit ashamed and uncertain. So he sends some more calmness toward her, before she motions for him to follow her. Jasper hesitates. He's never, ever done it this way – he's always taken his victims somewhere else – to a hotel, or just to a street corner. But he follows Annie up the stairs and into her light-colored apartment.

He glances at cream walls and white doors, and then his gaze passes the photos on the wall – the girl laughing, the girl with an older couple, probably her parents, the girl with her friends. This is why Jasper hasn't wanted to visit the houses of people he's killed – he hates to see that, he doesn't want to know about the life he's claiming. But he says nothing as he enters Annie's bedroom and pushes some light waves of desire towards her, before approaching her and starting to undress her slowly. He's very careful to not touch her body with his cold hands as he undoes the buttons of her shirt – one after another, and unties her wrap-skirt. She's thin but feminine, with full breasts and slim legs.

"You're beautiful," Jasper whispers, laying her gently down on the bed. Annie tries to kiss him, but he evades it and hooks the tips of his fingers in her panties, easing them down. He feels like he's about to break down, but he saves that for later, focusing on the moment instead. He gathers up the emotions inside him, directing them to the girl. He goes for desire, but underlined with warm feelings he's learned while being with Edward.

"Oh God," she says, "I've never wanted anyone so much in my life as I want you right now."

Jasper pushes her legs apart, and she must think that he's going to go down on her because she's reaching with her hands and burying her fingers in Jasper's hair. He kisses gently her inner thigh and overflows her with arousal, so she's writhing on the sheets now and fisting his hair tightly.

Jasper usually tries not to touch people and he certainly never touches them in a sexual way. But this time he places his hand on Annie's pussy, helping her to reach her climax while he imagines how his teeth would cut her skin right next to her artery. He shudders and presses his tongue to the pulsing vein on her thigh, feeling the flow of blood under the skin, wanting this, craving it so hard it almost blinds him, while she's riding her high and doesn't even realize what he's doing. It would be so easy to just move a little bit further and cut that delicate layer of skin with his sharp teeth. Jasper thinks he's never wanted blood so much in his life, not even when he got out from under the ice, starved and weak.

Finally Annie's coherent enough to move her fingers in Jasper's hair and it seems to wake him up from his haze.

"Jasper?" she whispers. "Come up here."

He slowly moves up her body, shivering and on the verge of losing it.

"Can I do something for you? What would you like? Can I suck you off?" Annie asks, still a little bit breathless and warm after her orgasm.

"No," Jasper says gently. "I just wanted you so much. I still want you." He's telling the truth, but Annie has no idea of the hidden meaning of these words.

"You are so different from the other guys." She sighs. "They usually just do their thing and leave me without even thinking if I'd come or not."

Jasper thinks he hates humans a little bit more after this confession and hums something in reply, still fighting his urge to just take this body in his arms and drink her up.

"You are so gentle, so sweet…" Annie murmurs, already drifting into sleep in Jasper's arms.

"I have to go," Jasper says apologetically, feeling like a dick for having to leave her here alone just like all the other guys apparently left her after doing their thing.

"Okay," she agrees sleepily. "Just stay until I fall asleep. It feels so good like this, so safe."

So Jasper lies behind her, brushing her hair out of the way and kissing her neck and wrapping his arms around her. He tries to hide his face in her smell, to get lost in her warmth, hugging her tighter as her heart rate slowly calms down and her breath evens up.

The burn in his throat is almost unbearable, it hurts like it has never before, but Jasper welcomes it, thinking he deserves it. It's a good punishment for wanting to take this girl's life away and for not being for her what she deserves.

When the first rays of sunlight hit the room Jasper stands up, covers Annie with the sheets and leaves the apartment, closing the door quietly behind him. He doesn't go back to his place, he doesn't want to see it ever again as everything there smells and reminds him of what he's just wanted to do. He walks straight ahead and when he reaches the city limits and the wood surrounding the area he thinks that this is where he should be, because he's not human. He's an animal, or worse – a monster – and monsters should be kept in the deep depths of oceans or the darkest places of forests.

He doesn't really need to hunt but he kills one animal after another anyway, until all the blood he's drunk makes him feel too sated and heavy. Then he lies down on the ground, looking up at the spreading branches of the trees. The gentle moving of the pines above him and the smell of the moss reminds him of the time he and Edward made love in the woods. The memory hurts, as usual, and Jasper rolls onto his side, clutching his arms to his body, willing the pain to go away. When it subsides a little he sits up, leans against a tree and bumps his head on the trunk helplessly. He closes his eyes, sighing.

Even though he felt like he was moving forwards, nothing really has changed. He's still at square one without any future, without any idea what to do with himself, or anything to look for in his life. There's nothing ahead of him and he's been deluding himself that he could make a living among humans. The feeling of belonging was false and it ended when he left Mat's house. Everything is pointless.

 _But maybe he hasn't tried hard enough_ , he thinks. Maybe he should give himself more time, see how the future unfolds, at least give it a chance. He tries hard to come up with an idea of what he would like, where he would want to go, but nothing fits. Finally, sighing again, he decides to go home. If Texas doesn't work for him, nothing in the world will.

"***"

However, seven years later, Jasper's as clueless about his life as he was in the woods after he'd left Annie on that fourth of July. He's been fair to himself, he's tried it  _all_  – he's taken several different jobs, he's learned to drive, he's been doing real human stuff, like going to the movies and hanging out in pubs. But he feels as detached as he always has. He's unable to relate to others, to form strong bonds, and the everyday interaction which happens on the surface is killing him piece by piece.

As he lies in the middle of a field, on the ground, looking up in the sky and hearing the gentle motion of the Texan grass around him, he tries hard to find one single thing that would mean something to him.

The sun is high in the sky, warming the ground and shining brightly. Jasper knows his skin must sparkle in the light, but he doesn't see it. For him everything seems to be covered in a thick layer of dust. The ashes are falling from the sky like snowflakes and bury the world in gray film. The grass isn't greenish-yellow anymore, the sky isn't blue. Everything is colorless, the sounds are muffled, the smells subdued. Jasper looks at his hand, examining the scar which is still there, but even the scar looks like it's covered in dust – almost invisible. It's only a matter of time until the ash starts invading Jasper's ears, eyes, mouth, the pores of his skin making him immobile and eventually blind, deaf and mute.

Jasper tries to recall the exact moment in which the world lost its color and clothed itself in this gray coat, but he isn't sure. It was sneaking up on him since the day he decided to head back to Texas, or maybe earlier, when Mat died, or maybe even before – when Edward left. Perhaps it was always there, just waiting to catch up with him and he didn't notice it.

But he's very sure of one thing – he's done with the world and himself. It's not the feeling of self-hate and disgust he felt before he met Edward. It's also not the feeling of deep despair and pain he was in when Edward left. It's just…  _nothing._  There is  _nothing_  in this life for him anymore. He wants  _nothing_  anymore. It's just gray void – if a void can be gray.

He wishes to turn into the ashes that he sees and match the surroundings, to finish this once and for all. But it is not easy for a vampire. Perhaps he could seek out Maria and her wrath, but he doesn't want to end his life in a violent rush of revenge. He longs for peace and forgiveness. There is only one person he can think of who would care enough for him to do it. Edward owes him this death.

Jasper slowly stands up, running his hands over his jeans to rub off the dust. At least he has a temporary goal ahead of him now – he needs to find Edward.

And then… Then, he will work out how to convince Edward to do what Jasper wants.

 

 

**16\. The Sun**

 

Jasper's not quite sure what he's doing as he stands outside a small red-brick Boston house. He's come to town two days ago, but couldn't gather up the courage to make the last step. He knows Edward is home. He can smell him and feel his familiar emotional pattern. In fact, when he knocks on a decorative deep-green door, trying to remember to breathe, he knows Edward is  _just_  there – on the other side of the door. Jasper can hear him shifting from one foot to another, placing a hand on the doorknob, waiting.

They stand like this in silence, both of them waiting for the other to make the move, both of them hesitating. Jasper thinks that maybe it was a bad idea after all – maybe he shouldn't have come here. He's about to turn around and flee when Edward opens the door, and there he is, gorgeous as ever – young, amber-eyed, with ruffled hair.

They eye each other, again not able to do anything.

"You look good," Edward finally says, taking in the sight of Jasper.

Jasper just smiles and motions to the clothes he's wearing.

"It's just an outfit." He waves his hand dismissively, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden and trying to cover it up somehow. "So…" He shifts his weight from one foot to another in a very human way as he looks around the hall. "Where are the others?"

"Carlisle's at the hospital; should be back soon. Esme went shopping with Emmett and Rose," Edward answers automatically and makes a move with his hand. "Would you, uh… come inside?"

"Sure." Jasper is still feeling uneasy as he follows Edward into a big living room. Everything here screams money and good taste – the light colored furniture, big windows, soft carpet on the floor, fancy gadgets and expensive electronics.

"Carlisle had a lot of time to gather the money… and the investments worked well," Edward explains, his tone apologetic, like he's ashamed of the surroundings, or like he feels he needs to make amends to Jasper.

"No, no. It's lovely here!" Jasper rushes to reassure him, remembering he has to guard his thoughts from Edward. Even in his fresh clothes and with his washed hair he still feels out of place here while he glances nervously towards a pristine white couch.

"Oh, come on!" Edward suddenly takes Jasper's hand and practically drags him to the couch to sit down. "It won't get spoiled because of contact with you, you know?"

Jasper has troubles answering because Edward is still holding his hand, and it brings back all the memories, all the times they've touched before, and something which Jasper believed he was  _over_  clenches in his chest. He turns his head to not look at Edward. The confused feelings Edward's emitting do nothing to bring more confidence in Jasper.

"So," Edward begins after the silence becomes too unbearable, "did you have trouble finding me?"

Jasper just shakes his head and takes some small pieces of paper out of his pocket, waving them to Edward.

"It really wasn't that hard – what with all those messages shouting 'Jasper' in capital letters attached to your old door…" He smiles, but then silence falls again, and Jasper wonders if he should go back to the hotel. But before he does, he at least wants to look at Edward as much as he can.

"You're staying at a hotel?" Edward asks, surprised.

"Yeah, can you believe it?" Jasper gives Edward a weak smile and stands up. Edward quickly follows, still not letting go of Jasper's hand. They both look down to where their fingers tangle.

"Let me show you around the house, okay?" Edward proposes, hopefully, and Jasper just has to agree. Edward pulls Jasper towards the kitchen, mumbling something excitedly about keeping up appearances, before showing him bathroom, study, and taking him up the stairs.

"Here's Esme's and Carlisle's bedroom, and here's Emmet's and Rose's." He mentions to the closed door. "And this is mine…"

They enter a large, well-lit room with a giant couch placed next to the window, and hundreds of CD's and books on the shelves around the room. Jasper's surprised. He's imagined something totally different. He loves it the way it is.

He spots a fish tank – filled with water and sand but without any fish inside, and looks questionably at Edward.

"Don't even ask…" Edward shrugs as he approaches the couch and throws on the floor some textbooks which were scattered along the couch cushions.

"I'm finally finishing my medical studies," he explains.

He makes Jasper sit down again and the position is somehow awkward. They sit closely, with their upper bodies bent towards each other, still holding hands. This is like they are a couple in an old movies. But Jasper isn't ready to let go of Edward's hand just yet. Although he probably should – before he asks the question he needs to pose, yet dreads spitting out.

"And your… girlfriend?" he finally dares to address the issue, not really knowing if he should say 'girlfriend' or 'fiancée', or maybe even 'wife'.

"What girlfriend?" Edward's clearly been taken by surprise, which means he had to be occupied with something else, or he would have seen the question in Jasper's mind. So Jasper shows him once more their last conversation so long ago, in the northern snow, about a girl whom Edward couldn't hear.

"Oh my God." Edward gasps. "You thought…? Bella, the girl whose thoughts are closed for me, she and I – we were never – you know? She's just a friend. She still lives there, she's married, has kids, we call each other sometimes. But we've never, ever, Jasper..."

"So all these years…?" Jasper whispers, while all he believed in during the last years gets twisted and thrown upside down.

"It was just something you assumed…" Edward says and pauses for a moment, musing over something. "Jasper, if you've thought I'd have a wife by now why would you come searching for me?"

Jasper's squirming. He doesn't want Edward to know the real reason, so he goes with, "I wanted to see if you were okay." But Edward has already picked the real answer from Jasper's thoughts.

An awful silence falls, and then, when Edward finally starts talking, there is so much hurt in his voice that it makes Jasper breathless.

"I'd never agree to that." Edward clutches Jasper's arm and twists the material of the shirt firmly. "Especially not when you've finally come back to me. Not when I have you in my arm's reach."

Suddenly Jasper feels he must get out of there immediately. He can't breathe. How could he been so stupid to think that he might be over Edward? Vampires are frozen forever in their feelings and desires, and while change on basic levels is possible, there is no way Jasper can make himself forget about Edward. Ever. He wants to run before Edward catches it, but once again Edward is quicker – he tugs on Jasper's hand, leans forward a little and says quietly, "Why would you think it's any different for me?"

Edward's so close that Jasper can almost feel the brush of his lips against his skin. It makes Jasper lightheaded, and all his thoughts are flowing so fast now he can't get a grip on himself. But just then someone opens the front door, and a worried voice shouts, "Edward, are you there?"

"In here!" Edward says loudly. He still hasn't shifted an inch, and Jasper feels trapped in the moment, not being able to move, breathe or think properly.

"Come, meet Carlisle," Edward finally says, standing up and letting go of Jasper's hand, immediately leaving him with a feeling of loss.

They come down the stairs to meet a young, blond man, standing in the hallway, looking anxious.

"Carlisle, this is Jasper," Edward explains, and a flash of recognition lights Carlisle's amber eyes.

"Nice to meet you, Jasper," he says, extending his hand.

"You too, sir," Jasper answers, going for a handshake and feeling like he's a teenager meeting his friend's dad.

Carlisle laughs warmly. "You can call me Carlisle." He turns to Edward. "Esme called – they'll be here in a minute."

And right in that moment a sweet looking young woman, dressed in a cream dress, and with perfectly styled caramel-colored hair, enters the house. She stops at the sight of all of them in the hallway.

"Esme," Carlisle says. "This is Jasper."

"Oh my God!" she exclaims, rushing to Jasper and wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug which startles Jasper so much he doesn't dare to move. "Welcome. I'm so happy you're okay. What took you so long? Where have you been? Where are you staying? I'm Esme."

Jasper smiles and goes for his, "Nice to meet you ma'am," because what else can he do.

"Oh, this is amazing!" Esme continues. "Edward's been worrying himself crazy about you." She turns towards the door, calling aloud, "Rose, Emmett! You won't believe who's here! It's Jasper!"

A beautiful blonde girl and the biggest vampire Jasper's ever seen emerge from the hall.

"Oh, thank fuck we stop those horrid search parties each year now," says the blonde.

"Search parties?" Jasper asks, feeling lost.

"He made us freeze our asses off in the ice and snow of the North each year. He even made us dig holes in that stinky frozen sea!"

Jasper raises his eyebrow's at Edward who just shrugs.

"Glad you're here, bro." The big one – Emmett – pats Jasper's shoulder. "I hope you'll bring some sanity to this brooding sicko because I swear if I hear one more time 'Do you think Jasper is okay?' or 'Why do you think he doesn't want to be found?' I'm gonna just kick his sorry ass straight back to the North."

"Let's just not overwhelm the boy with all this, all right?" Carlisle laughs, finally putting down the keys and envelopes he's been holding on a small table by the wall and entering the living room. "Can you excuse me while I take a shower to wash the hospital off me?"

Jasper says some 'not at alls' and smiles because this all feels like he's been dipped in a swirling bubble bath of warm emotions. He even closes his eyes for a brief moment, almost "tasting" the luxury of it all. When they're left alone in the hallway, Edward smiles at him.

"So," Jasper asks. "What's all this then, Edward?"

"Isn't it obvious? I've been to the North, you know? Every year, searching for you. I had no idea what happened to you."

"After Mat died I moved out from there. I was… travelling. I was in Texas for a while."

"Texas? The one place you thought you wouldn't ever go back to?" Edward is really surprised.

"Yeah. I wanted to… go home."

"And did it?"

"Did what?" Jasper has no idea what Edward is asking.

"Did it  _feel_  like home?"

Jasper is about to answer, that 'no, it didn't', but is interrupted by Edward continuing, "Because I've learned now – that no matter where we go as a Cullen family, or where we live, I've no home without you. It was always you, Jasper and it still is." Edward says it all so firmly, like he's trying to nail Jasper to the ground, tie him up and trap him with those words.

It all seems surreal. And Jasper wonders if he's losing his mind again. Because – this Edward – passionate and  _wanting_  Jasper, and this house, and this life – all of this – this can't be real.

"I need to go," Jasper says abruptly, feeling that if he doesn't go from here right now, he'll break into millions of pieces. He needs to be alone. He doesn't want to hear Edward anymore. He needs to get out  _right now_.

"Jasper wait!" Edward pleads, catching Jasper's wrist. His fingers seem to burn like hot iron. "Please, Jasper, don't run like this."

"I'll come back tomorrow," Jasper says quickly. "It's late and I need to get back to the hotel."

Edward looks at him, clearly calling Jasper out on this sorry excuse, but at last he doesn't question him.

"Okay, go. But can you promise me you come back tomorrow?"

"I promise," Jasper says impatiently, not really believing it, and the next second he's out of the house, heading downtown to his hotel.

"***"  
 _Fuck_. He sits on the bed, clutching his hair and grunting. This is so not what he came here for. He came to ask for forgiveness and death, and he got offered life and family instead. This isn't what he's wanted. Or is it?

It's eating him from the inside out. He thinks of his and Edward's joined hands, and how it felt to be around Edward again, and groans. This is so not good. He wishes, for the first time in years since the north, that he could just hide under the water somewhere and forget about the feelings which Edward wakes up in him. But he's promised Edward he'd be at his place tomorrow.

He decides to draw himself a bath instead, because,  _that's what people do, right?_ He asks himself.  _They take a long warm bath to soothe their thoughts and think things over._

He goes to the bathroom and fills the tub with warm water, diving in. When it's full he slumps down, underneath the surface, looking at the brightly lit ceiling above him. He hears water running, voices from other rooms, the TV he's turned on and left playing, people flushing toilets, and the clicking sound of heels outside on the pavement. This is kind of the opposite of the sensory deprivation he's yearned for, but, oddly, the whole mixture of sounds does soothe him. He pushes himself up, and places his head on the rim of the tub, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, enjoying the warmth around his skin and the fresh clean smell of this bathroom.

 _So_ , he tries to think,  _what is Edward saying?_   _What does it mean it was always only him for Edward, that it still is? Is he ready to allow it? Can they actually try to do this again?_

There's a knock on the door and Jasper jumps out of the bath to open it, still dripping water, and covered only in a towel because he knows only too well who's behind the door.

"I couldn't wait," Edward says when he enters the room. "I know I should give you time. I'm sorry."

When Jasper doesn't answer, because he's still confused, and doesn't know what to do or what he wants, Edward crosses the distance between them, wraps his arms around Jasper and holds him tight. The feeling of being hugged like this by Edward is familiar, and sweet – it's something Jasper's been missing for so long. It feels like desire and home, and something more. It's like their nights together when they were pretending to sleep.

"Oh God, I've missed you so much," Edward says. "I'm so sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" Jasper asks, still a little hazy from all the closeness.

"For leaving you like I did. For not looking enough for you. For being stupid and not searching for you in Texas. For the lost time. For not being enough for you back then."

Once again they are standing in front of each other and their fingers twitch with the desire to touch, to just reach over for the other's body. Finally Edward places his palm gently on Jasper's arm, tracing the scars with his thumb – the old ones from the wars and the newer ones he's left there himself. Jasper feels himself being led gently backwards, and then his knees hit the edge of the bed. Edward pushes him more until Jasper is lying on the bed, looking up at Edward who crawls on the bed after him.

Edward takes Jasper's hand in both his and kisses the insides of Jasper's palm, then along the arm, in the bend of the elbow, the armpit, then he goes lower, leaving kisses on his stomach, the inner side of his thighs, his feet. The kisses are gentle, worshipping, warm. It feels like re-acquaintance, but also goodbye, and for a moment Jasper wonders if Edward maybe decided to fill his request. But Edward shakes his head and pulls himself up so he's face to face with Jasper. He places his hands on both sides of Jasper's head, threading his fingers in Jasper's hair.

"I wouldn't do this," he says. "You can't ask me to do this. Not now, and not ever."

They look at each other and Jasper opens his mouth, but doesn't know what to say, so he just brushes his lips against Edward's. They breathe in each other, with lips parted, barely touching, and neither of them knows how it turns into kissing. But here they are – making out like teenagers, going from gentle kisses into shoving their tongues deep, biting on the other's lips, trying devour each other.

"Off, off!" Jasper murmurs, tugging at Edward's clothes because he  _has_  to feel him with his whole body immediately. They resume their kissing, sucking on their tongues and whispering urgent, almost unintelligible demands in between the kisses.

Jasper can feel their erections rubbing against each other and it's almost too much, but then – it isn't enough – it was never enough like this with them. Then Edward moves his fingers between their lips, pushing the fingertips along their tongues, pressing them inside Jasper's mouth, making Jasper suck on them, and coat them with venom until they are shiny and slick with it. Then he reaches down, and Jasper's surprised to see that Edward is preparing himself for him. It's mesmerizing to see the fingers vanishing in Edward's tight body, to hear the low grunts he's emitting, to feel Edward's lips part under Jasper's in anticipation.

Jasper rolls Edward gently so they are on their sides, spooning, and replaces Edward's fingers with his own. He can't believe that in the state of mind he's in right now he can still go as slow and careful as he does. He'd swear that by now he would be pressing Edward to the bed and fucking him senseless with urgent thrusts.  _But that is not what this is about_ , he thinks. This is the peace that he's yearned for, the solace he's come for, he realizes, as he slips inside Edward's familiar body, welcoming him like after long journey.

For a while it's only that – their hips moving in synchronization together, Edward's hand going around their bodies and stroking Jasper's hip first and then going up and caressing his hair while Edward turns his head and they kiss slowly. Jasper holds Edward's throat – it's just a gentle touch, but he can feel Edward's Adam's apple moving under his fingers and it's kind of possessive. He would like to squeeze his hand, hold Edward captive, mark him with his teeth and fingers. He would love to see Edward bleed venom. But for now he settles on that soft brush of his fingertips there, knowing Edward can see it in his mind and that is almost as good as doing it in reality. Edward moans in agreement and takes Jasper's other hand to guide it to his cock, forces him to fist it, to make Jasper give him the release he needs now.

It takes just a few strokes – their fingers laced hard together, moving easily over Edward's cock, already slick with precum, before Edward tenses up, his mouth hot against Jasper's, his eyes opened and full of longing. Jasper can feel Edward clenching on him, and the wave of desire coming from Edward is enough for him, too. He doesn't close his eyes either, he wants to see, feel, taste it, take it with him wherever he'll have to go once they're done.

"***"

They hear muffled sounds of cries and sighs from other rooms – apparently their neighbors are having sex and coming, affected by Jasper's emotions swirling all over the place. They look at each other and start laughing.

"Oh God, Jasper, if we ever do this in the house the whole family will be doing it. I can't even think about it without cringing." Edward chuckles and suddenly becomes very silent and still, as what he's said dawns on him. "We don't have to live with them," he adds quickly. "I'll go with you anywhere you want. That is… if you want me to… God, this is fucked up. What I'm trying to say is that I'll do anything you want, Jasper."

Jasper doesn't know yet where he would like to go. He doesn't even know if he wants to try to be together with Edward, again. But as he lies in Edward's arms he thinks that maybe it isn't such a bad idea, after all. And then he thinks that maybe he's been wrong all along. Maybe Edward  _is_  his mate and all this time he's been denying the obvious. Because how else could he explain that he feels so right, and so  _loved_  in Edward's arms? How can he imagine ever leaving them again?

"Fucking finally," Edward murmurs in his ear.

"Finally what?"

"You've finally admitted we might be mates. You always thought we weren't. You were so sure… You had me convinced, too."

Jasper says nothing to this. He  _was_  convinced. He felt from others he's met what mates should be like and it was nothing like what he's had with Edward. But he's not sure anymore. He doesn't know anything anymore. He can't explain what he feels right now, and he doesn't know how to say it. So instead he focuses on showing Edward how his hair feels like soft Texan grass underneath Jasper's fingers, or how his eyes are the color of summer evenings in the fields – where everything is amber and the air floats like hot caramel. And then he focuses on how the Texan heat is nothing in comparison to the warmth here – right now. He clutches his fingers tighter on Edward's arm.

And then Edward pulls him closer, and Jasper feels like the last pieces of him that were frozen melt, too.

 

**THE END**

 


End file.
